Pharma-Douche Gets Karma-Douched: Martin Shkreli Gets Seven Years In JAIL!
Who's got two index fingers and is going to jail for seven years? This guy!
Some days it seems like everything is terrible and there is no justice in the world. Today is not that day. Why? Because Martin Shkreli, the pharma-douche who rose to infamy in 2015 for raising the price of Darapirm, a life-saving drug for infants and people with AIDS, by 5000%, is GOING TO JAIL. He is going to jail for seven whole years. Not for gouging people with a serious illness, because that is actually perfectly legal, but for defrauding rich people who invested in his hedge fund.
And if that doesn't lift your spirits just a little, I don't know what will.
Except maybe the fact that he wept through his sentencing and begged the judge for mercy. You know, that thing he definitely did not have when he decided to raise the price of Daraprim from $13.50 to $750 a dose?
“I was never motivated by money. I was trying to grow my stature and reputation,” he blubbered before a packed courtroom, as a clerk passed him a box of tissues. “The only person to blame for me being here today is me.”
“There is no conspiracy to take down Martin Shkreli,” he added. “I took down Martin Shkreli with my disgraceful and shameful actions. This is my fault. I’m not a victim here, I am the defendant.”
Aw! It wasn't money that motivated him to defraud his investors -- he just wanted to be cool!
Judging by the jury selection transcripts, this was unsuccessful and no one thought he had a reputation as anything other than a monster.
Juror No 144: “I heard through the news of how the defendant changed the price of a pill by up-selling it. I heard he bought an album from the Wu-Tang Clan for a million dollars.”
The court: “The question is, have you heard anything that would affect your ability to decide this case with an open mind? Can you do that?”
Juror No 144: “I don’t think I can because he kind of looks like a dick.”
He does look like a dick, Juror No 144!
In addition to the seven years Shkreli must spend in jail (WHERE HE BELONGS), he will also have to pay a fine of $75,000 to the court, and will forfeit $7.4 million to the government. Whether or not he will have to sell off his million dollar Wu-Tang album to do that, we do not know.
Last year, after he was convicted of these crimes, Shkreli boasted that if he served any time at all that it would probably be just a short time in "Club Fed." A judge later revoked his bail for offering a $5,000 bounty for a strand of Hillary Clinton's hair, and because of that happening, it is pretty unlikely that he will end up in "Club Fed" after all, especially since the judge said he was a danger to society. It is almost like being the biggest asshole on earth did not work out for him as well as he had hoped!
His attorneys say they plan to appeal the sentencing, and are very disappointed:
“Martin’s fine, he will be fine. It could be a lot worse,” Brafman told a gaggle of reporters outside the courthouse. “I am disappointed. It’s always hard when someone like Martin Shkreli goes to jail.”
Hard for whom, exactly? Because I am fine with it. In fact, I will bet you most of America is fine with it. Seven years without Martin Shkreli is a blessing unto us all.
And now you may OPEN THREAD!
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Robyn Pennacchia is a brilliant, fabulously talented and visually stunning angel of a human being, who shrugged off what she is pretty sure would have been a Tony Award-winning career in musical theater in order to write about stuff on the internet. Follow her on Twitter at @RobynElyse