Pillow Idiot Says Bluetooths Stole 100K Alabama Trump Votes And Alabama Sec Of State Is MAD NOW

State/Local Politics
Pillow Idiot Says Bluetooths Stole 100K Alabama Trump Votes And Alabama Sec Of State Is MAD NOW

Last week, the very serious Alabama secretary of state, whose name is John Merrill, who is very serious, took a very serious meeting with Mike Lindell, the very serious president-and-also-a-client of MyPillow. You know, about the election fraud.

It appeared to have gone well.

See that? Lindell complimented Merrill. Said he had really impressive elections. All good. Sure, Lindell had told Merrill he was pretty sure the hackers could hack Alabama's machines, and Merrill had tried to explain that the machines weren't on the internet, but otherwise everything went just swell.

Merrill, who once yearned for less gay buttsex and more "Gunsmoke" on the television, and who had to pre-emptively pull out of Alabama's GOP Senate primary this year because he got caught gunsmoking in the sex way with somebody who was not his wife, presumably thought everything was fine afterward. It was not fine afterward.

Because, you see, Mike Lindell left Alabama with other ideas. Mike Lindell said sin libels about Alabama. Said Merrill's elections maybe aren't that impressive after all. Them's fightin' words! And now John Merrill must defend his honor.

Specifically, Lindell made a video that said Alabama's election was correct and all — hello, Donald Trump won! — but still nonetheless the devil cyber hacker bad guys stole 100,000 of Trump's Alabama votes and gave them to Joe Biden. How? The Bluetooths.

In a video posted online Sunday, Lindell said while Alabama is a "role model as to how elections should go," its voting system was "hacked…just like every other state," possibly by accessing machines remotely through Bluetooth technology. [...]

"This was the one time we're going to have to do a little bit of a deeper dive here. On the surface you can't see where it happened," Lindell said. "What I guarantee they've had to do in Alabama is the bad people…went deeper into the well. Very deep into the well of how they did the flips."

Mike Lindell cannot see it but he knows it is there, in fact he guarantees the bad people went very deep in Alabama's well and did the flips.

Imagine how it must feel to be John Merrill, happily sitting in your secretary of state office and thinking about how gays are gross and "Gunsmoke" is awesome, and hearing that Mike Lindell the Pillow Man is guaranteeing that bad people went very deep in Alabama's well and did the flips.

Merrill is mad:

"All our (voting) machines are custom-built. There's no modem component. You can't influence them through a cell phone or a landline. There's no way they can be probed or numbers manipulated," Merrill told AL.com.

Merrill said Lindell purchased a copy of Alabama's voting rolls, a service that's available to anyone. Any analysis that shows manipulation is wrong, he added.

"We didn't have any vote changes. Zero. It's not possible to have any vote changed," Merrill said.

Very protest-y! John Merrill will not have some pillow charlatan coming in here and saying Deep State Hugo Chavez stole any of Alabama's Christian votes for Donald Trump! Those machines are custom-built out of Alabama walnut and do not even have electricity, just a squirrel inside what is good at math who puts a hickory nut to its left or its right depending on what the voter's ballot says and then they count up the hickory nuts and those squirrels are not a liar, Mister Pillowfucker!

Mister Pillowfucker is of course invited back:

Lindell is expected to return to Alabama to examine the equipment and talk to probate judges, Merrill said.

Everything continues to be fine in America.


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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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