Pity Obama Let Those Sailors Die In Iranian Captivity, Oh They've Been Released?
Probably LOLing about how he's going to give America to Iran for a Secret Santa gift.
[contextly_sidebar id="SjwJReJ4AA35Gt8prwzjhACIZ7VNogz8"]Tyrant Barack Obama committed perhaps the most grievous sin of his evil reign Tuesday night when he danced around and gigglebanged Congress during the State of The Union, telling everybody what a badass president he was, at the very same time Iran was torturing and murdering our American sailor guys, and probably tickling the bottoms of their feetses with feathers! Can you BELIEVE him? This is FIVE AND A HALF YEARS, ALAN! and FOUR DEAD AMERICANS! and ALL OF THEM KATIE! all at the same time!
What, you didn't know about how that was happening? Oh, we guess you weren't following along with the fact-checkers at Dead Breitbart's home for Bel Air Speed Bump Fetishists. Because here was a big honkin' whopper the president said in his SOTU address, according to those idiots:
“No nation dares to attack us or our allies because they know that’s the path to ruin.” Of all the lies in Obama’s speech, this was undoubtedly the worst, coming hours after Iran seized two U.S. Navy boats and ten sailors. Obama did not even mention those Americans in captivity at any point in his speech, declining the chance to reassure the nation that they would come home safely. It is an omission that will define this address in history.
That's right! Olds have the Kennedy assassination, Gen-Xers have 9/11, and now Millennials will regale their kids with the story of that time Obama Lied While Our Sailors Died. For instance, look, here is pants-shitting Millennial wingnut titty baby Matthew Continetti, rending his garments over how IRAN! HIJACKED! THE STATE! OF THE UNION! ADDRESS!
But wait a fuckin' minute. Because yr Wonkette was following the Iranian situation all afternoon and evening, and we also liveblogged the SOTU address, so we're well the fuck aware that Iran had already agreed to release those sailors LONG before the SOTU started. How do we know this? Because we were talking about it in the chatcave:
We are guessing that, unless our Wonkette Daily Security Briefing is HOURS ahead of what the president gets, Barry Bamz Obama was aware Iran was releasing the sailors before he even washed his sex body in preparation for the big speech.
And despite Fox News's obvious freakout, what happened really wasn't that big of a deal. Our guys slipped into Iranian waters, Iran decided to make a point, the sailors said they were real sorry, and Iran gave them back, probably with bellies full of Persian food. (By the way, this has happened to the British before, in 2004 and 2007.)
To confirm our instincts about this not being some sort of international crisis, we asked Official Wonkette Brother, who used to be a Navy guy in that part of the world, and he just said, "HENNNNGH? They'll probably be fine."
The point is Obama was probably not freaked out that World War III was beginning, just because some Iranian sailors were acting all "SUP BRO-HAMMAD?" to some of our sailors.
While we're on the theme of telling time, CNN let us know Tuesday night when the exact release time of the Navy guys was scheduled:
This morning, in the wee hours, the sailors were released, and the media reported on it immediately. That didn't discourage Donald J. Trump, who never misses an opportunity to look like a fucking idiot on Twitter, to fire this off without bothering to Google or turn on Matt Lauer, to see if our guys were free yet:
Oh, Donald Trump, you fine fucking dipshit. We have literally nothing more to say besides "LOL!"