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Trump Gives ISIS, MS-13, And Next Boston Bombers Plastic Guns That Evade The Metal Detector At Your Kid's School

Guns

We alerted you a couple weeks ago that the Trump administration had cleared the way for assholes to post blueprints online of computer-designed 3D gun models, allowing anyone anywhere to print untraceable guns out of plastic that won't show up on your kid's school's metal detectors. Now the State Department has agreed to an effective date of August 1 for this brain-explodingly (quite literally!) stupid-ass idea. You'd think they'd at least have the decency to wait until after Labor Day because it's really hard to get blood-spatter stains out of white clothing.

In a statement greeting the news, the Second Amendment Foundation founder and executive vice-president, Alan Gottlieb, said: "Not only is this a first amendment victory for free speech, it also is a devastating blow to the gun prohibition lobby."

Defense Distributed, the company behind the blueprint, declared: "The age of the downloadable gun formally begins."

Yeah, what could go wrong? "The age of the independently thinking machine formally begins!" Man, I love living during the flashback scene of a dystopian movie.


"Gun prohibition lobby" is an interestingly Orwellian term for sensible people who just want to address the public health crisis of gun violence in America. We're not busting into speakeasies and breaking up wild parties where flappers have a high time shooting at each other with homemade bathtub rifles. I'm appalled that someone would even consider this a "first amendment" victory. It's a little hard to enjoy free speech when you're ducking for cover.

Defense Distributed (another bit of doublespeak) is the non-profit that libertarian asshole Cody Wilson founded to further his life's ambition to help end the lives of others. A saner State Department had blocked him from posting online his blueprint for a single-shot 3D-printed handgun named "My Shriveled-Up Useless Dick" "The Liberator." Wilson sued on the grounds that this violated his white male entitlement, and in a stroke of luck for undertakers everywhere, a new regime swept into power and settled the existing lawsuit. Wilson acknowledged his victory on Twitter in an appropriately classy way.

Wilson fancies himself a hero who took on oppressive big government and won. In a 2016 Guardian interview, he said, "All I tried to do in law school was print a pistol and put it on the internet... Now I'm on a ride I can't get off." Bully for him. Some people stuck on this "thrill ride" against their will are victims of gang violence and domestic abuse, whose tormentors can now download and "print" untraceable guns.

Where are all the responsible gun owners out there? What Wilson's promoting is literally anarchy, and anarchy is really irresponsible. I have my issues with the NRA but surely they won't stand for this.

This doesn't even make sense. Big Tobacco doesn't care if your lungs turn to ash as long as the dollars roll in, but I don't think they'd support folks cutting out the middle man and printing their own cigarettes. The NRA is an obvious front for the gun lobby. They wouldn't cut into their bottom line. Maybe I should just chill the hell out. I'm obviously missing something. I decided to look a little further into 3D printers, because part of me still thinks they're basically replicators from "Star Trek," which can't be right. They're expensive -- the cheapest I saw online was still close to two grand. But that's still not encouraging because convicted felons or the mentally disturbed might still find the funds if that's their only option. There's also the safety aspect of using a weapon you made yourself.

Every year in America, some fool sets himself on fire trying to deep fry a turkey, which is more offensive to the turkey than to the guy pulling a late-career Richard Pryor. Maybe the NRA expects to see a flock of one-handed "Patriot group" members showing up at gun shops fully chastened and willing to pay top dollar for weapons that will only injure other people.

Just kidding: The NRA is for it because they know that gun sales shoot up every time an asshole shoots up a school. And how better to create more school shootings than letting terrorists, felons, domestic abusers, and the disturbed have access to guns, "background checks" and "regulations" be damned?

By the way, this is what happened when I Googled "licensed gun dealer" near me.

Please enjoy a .45 with your latte

What the hell is going on at this Starbucks? I'm still wary about asking to use their bathrooms, but I definitely wouldn't push my luck at this one. In the meantime, NRA shill Dana Loesch praises the "freedom and innovation" that DIY 3D printer guns represent. Whenever Loesch goes into one of her diatribes about how pointless gun laws are, it occurs to me how much in common the NRA has with the anarchists, who at least don't pretend to believe in "law and order."

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Stephen Robinson

Stephen Robinson is a writer and social kibbitzer based in Seattle. However, he's more reliable for food and drink recommendations in Portland, where he spends a lot of time for theatre work.

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