Politico Found Hunter Biden's Gun, It Was In The Dumpster

Politico has an important story, the scoop of the morning, the thing literally everybody is going to be talking about all day, or at least Fox News! It must be important because it's the second story in Politico Playbook this morning, right after the thing about how Senile Hologram Joe Biden is finally going to do a press conference.

It is a good story. It is a journalism story. And nobody has been paying attention to it except the intrepid journalists who work for Glenn Beck, but now Politico is on the case, so we can rest easy.

It is about Hunter Biden, a gun, a dumpster behind a grocery store, and a BIDEN SECRET SERVICE COVER-UP. You know, allegedly.

According to Politico, on October 23, 2018, when Hunter Biden was dating Hallie Biden, who is his deceased brother Beau's widow, Hallie allegedly took Hunter's gun and threw it in a dumpster behind a grocery store, but when they went back to find it, it was GONE. That much seems to be backed up by a Delaware police report Politico says it has. The dumpster behind the grocery store was across from a high school! WHAR HUNTER BIDEN'S GUN?

Oh wait, found it!

Days later, the gun was returned by an older man who regularly rummages through the grocery's store's trash to collect recyclable items, according to people familiar with the situation.

Thanks, old man! Did you happen to find a Hunter Biden's Laptop anywhere in that dumpster?

Anyway, no charges were filed.

Here's where it gets dumb. According to two very legit sources Politico says it has, as the hunt for the missing gun progressed, before the heroic old man found Hunter Biden's gun and instead of doing finders keepers, turned it in, the Secret Service WENT TO THE GUN STORE TO STEAL THE PAPERWORK FOR HUNTER BIDEN'S GUN TO DO COVER-UPS FOR HUNTER BIDEN!

The gun store owner refused to supply the paperwork, suspecting that the Secret Service officers wanted to hide Hunter's ownership of the missing gun in case it were to be involved in a crime, the two people said.

OK. So is this a thing, really? No, REALLY is it a thing?

The incident has received scant attention, save for a report on the conservative website The Blaze that focused on the state police decision not to file charges against either Hunter or Hallie.

A Secret Service spokesperson said the agency has no record of involvement in the incident: "U.S. Secret Service records confirm that the agency did not provide protection to any member of the Biden family in 2018, and that the Secret Service had no involvement in this alleged incident."

On the one hand, the Secret Service says nope, we didn't do anything with Hunter Biden's gun in 2018, we weren't even protecting his father at the time, that stopped in 2017 when he wasn't vice president anymore. On the other hand, Glenn Beck's website says this is all very real and important and SCANDAL, while also noting in its own reporting that Hunter Biden's Secret Service protection ended in 2014. Therefore Politico is just going to go with Glenn Beck, just to be on the safe side. Boy howdy, those are the kinds of gut instincts you simply cannot learn in journalism school!

Sometimes stories just feel right, and this story, which has absolutely zero holes in it, just feels right.

Look, there could be a story here. But even Glenn Beck's website says it's not "immediately clear why the Secret Service would have properly been involved in the investigation" into the Hunter Biden Dumpster Gun Caper That Wasn't, and The Blaze's source sure sounds like it's the same as one of Politico's two sources — one who reportedly has "firsthand" knowledge of the situation, and one who was "briefed" on it.

Politico slightly attempts to answer the question of why the Secret Service might have been involved here, but admits it's still a "mystery." Politico says a "law enforcement official" said a handful of agents out of Wilmington and Scranton Philadelphia kept an "informal hand" in Joe Biden's security, but that doesn't tell us how Hunter Biden would be able to get the Secret Service to do dumpster gun coverups for him.

Could Politico's sources be legit? Surely! Could they also be Trumpy asshole agents with an axe to grind, along the lines of the assholes in the FBI New York field office who in 2016 were breathing Hillary Clinton conspiracy theories up Rudy Giuliani's butt and also Fox News's butt, because they were mad their big bosses wouldn't let them proceed with their big important Clinton Foundation investigation since it was solely based on a Breitbart-funded book called Clinton Cash that was debunked before it was published? Also surely!

Point is, if we were Politico's editor, we would say, "Cool story, friends, but this needs more fleshing out. Please to come back when you have more information! Or, you know, some kind of proof beyond Glenn Beck's website."

The rest of Politico's hard-hitting scoop piece is basically a regurgitation of the Delaware police report on the incident, which makes for some interesting reading if you are into the "BREAKING: Hunter Biden has history of being kind of a shitshow" genre.

What Wonkette is saying is that if you find that gun, you're also liable to find Hunter Biden's laptop in a hot tub with Hillary Clinton's secret Russian uranium and probably also THE PROOF that Hillary Clinton and Ukraine colluded in 2016 to steal the election FROM HERSELF to frame Trump. (Those last two stories came from reporter Ken Vogel; the Ukrainium One was published in the Times, but the Ukraine one was published when he worked at ... Politico!)

Oh wait, that old man found the gun. BET HE FOUND THE LAPTOP TOO.

Find out, Politico, find out!


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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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