Politico Goes On Coitus Safari, Finds Millennial Trump Staffers Living In 'Fuck Deserts'

To be clear, this story has been written before. It's not the overdone "Cletus Safari," where some publication goes off to the bumblefuck hinterlands to find out about the Real Folks (read: working class whites) who voted for Trump. A fun game with those articles is to count how many paragraphs it takes for whichever journalist is on the Cletus beat that day to finally cut the shit about coal mines closing and "economic anxiety" and do the big reveal, which is that Trump voters are racist.

No, this is a different kind of recurring story, a "Coitus Safari" if you will, about how Trump staffers can't get no dates, and people on Tinder and Bumble won't even fuck them, like do you even know how long it's been since anyone in the Trump administration got all dressed up for a sentimental journey to the BONE ZONE? We don't know either, but sounds like it's been a hot minute! (Maybe that explains Stephen Miller's immigration policies and also Stephen Miller's face!)

Yes, it seems that in June of 2018, Trump administration millennials still aren't allowed to experience the joy of a good, consensual P-in-V fuckfest, and we bet they can't even get the gay kind -- except, of course, for the gay kind Republican staffers have always been able to get, as long as they know the secret catchphrase, "It's not gay if you're screwing poor families at the same time." Politico -- OF COURSE it's Politico -- talked to 30 (!) Deplorable Unfuckables, some of whom still work for the Great Orange Shit-Whistle, some of whom don't, and let's just say their lives don't read like the Dr. Seuss book they read in college, Oh, The Pussies You'll Grab! (Not a real Dr. Seuss book.)

It starts with this lie:

Washington is a hipper city now than it's ever been ...

Oh good god, white people. HIP TO THE HOP AND THEY DON'T STOP! In DuPont Circle. Sure thing, you betcha.

Their neighborhood sucks, because yes, they have a neighborhood, and it sounds as mediocre as they are. It is far away from where the normal people live, you know, the areas where staffers from other administrations ate and slept and drank and fucked:

Faced with open antagonism, Trump's millennials over the past year and a half have quietly settled on the margins: a stretch of Washington that spans from the Wharf—a shiny new development three blocks south of the National Mall—southeast along the Waterfront and into Navy Yard, on the banks of the Anacostia River. It's a string of neighborhoods that peer out over the water, separated from most of the city by an interstate, and facing away from official Washington.

Politico notes that Stephen Miller doesn't live out there. Instead he is downtown, in the type of fancy frou frou place you'd expect a vile unfuckable thirty-something Trump racist who doesn't look a day over 64 to live. We toured it in this post! Anyway, Politico says one might call the neighborhood where the other Trump assholes live "basic," and they mean that in the tacky suburban cookie cutter ugly way. It sounds kinda gross, but not as gross as boning a Trump fascist!

And speaking of that boning! (Finally.) Or rather, speaking of that NOT BONING! Not only is "Trump supporters swipe left" apparently the most common Tinder Bumble profile thingie, but Politico shares heartbreaking stories like this:

One beleaguered 31-year-old female administration official described at length her "very, very frequent" scraps with her matches on dating apps. "You do the small talk thing, and you have a very good conversation, and then they might say, 'You didn't vote for Trump, right?'" she says. "As soon as I say, 'Of course I did,' it just devolves into all-caps 'HOW COULD YOU BE SUCH A RACIST AND A BIGOT?' And 'You're going to take away your own birth control.'" In one recent star-crossed exchange, the official told a match she worked for the federal government. When he pushed, she revealed she was in the administration. He asked her, "Do you rip babies from their mothers and then send them to Mexico?"


That "beleaguered" lady also tells Politico that sometimes people will Google her and find out who she is, and that makes them want to do intercourse with her even less!

One guy who used to work for Trump withholds his Deplorable status from potential dates, which probably should be illegal, for the sexual health of his partners. He says he tries to tell them AT THE RIGHT TIME, like when he's successfully convinced them he's not an awful human being.

Otherwise, Politico says Trump staffers' only recourse is just to bang each other a whole lot. (We all remember Hope Hicks's shenanigans!) For example, did you know Kellyanne Conway's cousin and Mike Pence's nephew are totally doing it? WHOA IF TRUE! It's a good thing Wonkette isn't the "DC Gossip" anymore, otherwise ... we wouldn't be anywhere near any of these nasty fuckers, TBH.

Anyway, someday movies will be made about these Trump fascists who are single 'n' ready to mingle, yet find themselves banished to Fuck Deserts after people find out they're racists and therefore do not want to fuck them. They will be made by Dinesh D'Souza, and it will all be Obama's fault.

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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