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As you may have heard, Secretary of State John Kerry broke his right femur in a bicycle accident Sunday, and had to stay in a hospital overnight. Ah, but that accident happened in the snotty French country of France, while Kerry was riding a portion of the fancy la-dee-dah French Tour de France route in the Alps, where only rich snobs ride bikes. And it wasn't just any hospital, it was a hospital in Geneva, Switzerland, which is where rich Eurotrash go when they fall off their elitist skis, too. This is obviously worth some bigtime Think Piecing, which is why Politico treated us Monday to a whole long analysis piece of how John Kerry's career has been "marked by physical and political mishaps." Or, in tl;dr form: Guy crashes bike, what a snob! Still, Politico sure has some damning evidence that John Kerry is America's Greatest Wealthy Fuckup:


There was the time he was caught lounging on his yacht amid a coup in Egypt. A snowboarding crash in Idaho before a pack of reporters. And, of course, the infamous 2004 windsurfing outing that became a devastating George W. Bush campaign ad.

Whether he’s hitting the slopes, captaining a ship or strumming his classical guitar, John Kerry has always had one of Washington’s most colorful and adventurous lifestyles, one enabled by his rare surplus of both money and stamina.

Damn, that guy is just a walking disaster area, isn't he? At least when he's not in a wheelchair after his latest rich-guy accident, or being on a boat when a crisis breaks out, and then getting off the boat like some ritzy guy with a boat.

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Can we really risk having a wealthy globetrotting playboy in an important job like Secretary of State? Why, his broken leg may affect his ability to go toe-to-toe in nuclear negotiations with Iran, if only because his toes are undiplomatically sticking out of a cast. Politico bravely explains the Bigger Picture here:

While the implications for Iran and other diplomatic priorities are unclear, Kerry’s biking accident spotlights two long-defining qualities: One is an aristocratic taste that has provided countless punch lines for his critics; the other is an outdoorsman’s spirit that, even at age 71, still burns strong.

Ah, yes, bicycles, the traditional conveyance of the aristocrat! Politico even found a Real Expert to confirm that Kerry is Not One of Us:

“It’s part of being John Kerry. The guy is irrepressible,” says Scott Ferson, a former aide to the late Sen. Ted Kennedy and now a Boston political consultant. But it comes with a public-relations downside, he added: “He didn’t injure himself bowling. He picks elite, expensive sports.”

To be fair, we may actually need to thank Mr. Ferson for that observation. If Kid Zoom ever complains that he has to get around Boise on two wheels like some kind of commoner, we can point out to him that his mandatory mode of transport is actually quite aristocratic, easily the equivalent of a chauffeured Bentley. Still, doesn't John Kerry understand that bicycles can kill you just as surely as guns, only guns are more safer?

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Also, too, fitness expert Rush Limbaugh had some thoughts on whether an ancient old guy of 71 should even be allowed to take to two wheels:

Do you know how old John Kerry is? It's tough, you know. You can't tell a horse's age when you look it, and since Kerry looks like a horse, it's tough. But he's 71 years old. Now, would somebody tell me something? What is a 71-year-old man, secretary of state, doing riding a bicycle -- or, alternatively, windsurfing off Nantucket? Why is somebody riding a bicycle while in the midst of sensitive negotiations and attempting to secure nuclear weapons for Iran? Exercise? BS.

Stupid old horse-faced man, "exercising" when he should be working to give Iran a nuclear bomb. It's all just bullshit. You'd never see an elderly Republican getting "exercise," or doing something dangerous for "fun."

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And you definitely wouldn't see a Republican doing elitist bicycle things in FRANCE, oh hi, Mitt Romney Riding Bike In France:

And sure, maybe George W. Bush fell off his bicycle that one time, but that just proved what a regular guy he was, because his mountain bike crash happened on his nice middle-class private ranch in Crawford, Texas, the sort of 1,583 acre spread that Joe Sixpack has, if Joe Sixpack had $1.3 million in 1999 dollars. That's why America loved Shrub -- he was just like us.

[Politico / HuffPo / WaPo]

Doktor Zoom

Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.

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The Church of Scientology had some thoughts about Our Robyn's piece, Who Wants To Watch A Creepy White Guy Rap About Scientology? We had some thoughts about their thoughts.

Thanks for writing in, Scientology! As you doubtless realized when you didn't demand we take down our story, but requested it instead, our opinions of your weird cult and that poor young man's rap skills are protected by the First Amendment. (I learned about libel law in college and grad school but also on the job: I was in newspapers so long that I was actually colleagues with Tony Ortega -- about whom you sound quite "venomous" and "biased" -- at the very same newspaper chain you can't believe he defended! Next up, please show your due diligence by talking trash about a woman you didn't know was my mom.)

Also, a lot of your former members say on the record that you kidnap people, and stalk them, and harass them, and sometimes beat them up good, and I request that if so, fucking stop it.

The rest of you click the headline, if you want your OPEN THREAD.

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Monday's Trump-Putin press conference landed on the entire free world like a hot treason-shaped turd, didn't it? Congressional Republicans have been saying mean things about it on Twitter, and even Fox News has been less than 100% supportive! The White House communications department obviously knew it had a crisis on its hands, what with how it's generally considered inappropriate for the leader of the free world to get on all fours in front of the Russian president and wag his tail and slobber with anticipation while he awaits his next marching orders. WOMP WOMP, etc.

So the comms department typed up a thing for the president to read aloud today at the beginning of his meeting with members of Congress, about how he was VERY SORRY he said one word incorrectly during the Putin presser. That's right, only one word of that whole fucking shitshow was wrong. All the rest of his traitor words were exactly what he meant to say.

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