Politico published a bad thing, everyone. (Oh, get up off the fainting couch, we don't have time for that charade today.) Politico does some good reporting, of course, but then it goes and acts like a common Politico and posts bad things written by people we assume are good people, but who have very bad ideas.

AW FUCK NO, do we really have to do this?

We should note on the front end that this is a bad idea about a "unity ticket" literally nobody wants, that would never fucking happen in a million years because in case nobody has noticed, Joe Biden is a DEMOCRAT with actual DEMOCRATIC principles, and not some piece of shit asshole like Joe Lieberman who'll fuck the DEMOCRATIC PARTY out of nothing more than spite. We should also note that this bad idea was written by a woman named Juleanna Glover, who is a REPUBLICAN who's advised all the REPUBLICANS you know and loathe, and has also worked for such luminaries as Jesse Helms and Phyllis Schlafly, whom we hope are having a nice afternoon together in hell right now. (She also is on the Biden Institute Policy Advisory Board.)

Glover concern-trolls about how Biden might get "cannibalized" in a wide-open Democratic primary (true fact!), and agrees that Biden, as he has stated publicly, is the "most qualified" person in the country for the job of president (debatable!). She relies on very early polling that shows Biden as the "front-runner," when at this point in the race there is no real front-runner. In fact, MoveOn just did a straw poll of its members and "I don't fucking know yet" won, closely followed by BETO! People love Joe Biden, but there's literally no reason to believe he's anywhere near the top of most Democrats' minds when it comes to 2020, or for that matter, the top of the minds of much-coveted swing voters (read: stupid voters) and moderate Republican voters who aren't drunk on Trump's chunky jizz sauce.

Glover believes that if Biden just picked Romney -- a weak-sauce dickhead with a car elevator who, as we recall, got his ass handed to him in the 2012 election -- then everything would be just bipartisanship and candy canes. She thinks this would be great for Biden too, because he could "skip the risk and potential indignities of running and losing in what will be a vicious and mulish, leftward-lurching primary," and did we mention that Glover is a Republican strategist? She says by picking somebody from the "principled wing" of the GOP (hahahahahaha this is some Land Of Make Believe shit!) like Romney, or maybe that do-nothing fuckhead Ben Sasse or John Kasich, Biden could win ALL THE THINGS, and Trump would lose.

The top of the ticket needs to come from the center-left, because he or she needs to get a plurality of the vote in the blue states Hillary Clinton won (227 electoral votes), yet be moderate enough to win a plurality in some combination of Trump states such as Florida, Pennsylvania, Wisconsin and Michigan (another 119 votes). A bipartisan ticket might even put purple states like North Carolina, Ohio and Indiana in play.

Or maybe we just pick a really kick-ass Democrat and they'll wipe the floor with Trump in Pennsylvania and Wisconsin and Michigan, all of which handed Trump a resounding EAT MY ASS in the 2018 midterms. Hell, Trump most likely only barely squeaked by in those states in 2016 thanks to voter suppression and Russian manipulation anyway. (Oh yeah, also the obligatory thing about "Hillary forgot to campaign there.") Nothing in those states' results in 2016 or 2018 suggests the Rust Belt is just creaming its pants for a MODERATE. Fuck you.

But what if Glover's idiot plan for Biden-Romney world domination hit a little snag and nobody got 270 electoral votes and the House of Representatives had to pick the president? She says Trump might get a second term, because the Democratic-controlled House would ... vote for Trump? OK, you betcha. Actually, we don't know what her fucking point is in this paragraph, it's written and edited so poorly:

Yet Democratic control of the House may not be a roadblock to a second Trump presidency. No matter which party has the speaker's chair, the GOP would certainly have the upper hand as the GOP has the majority of seats in far more states than Democrats. Would the members of Congress from various states choose to vote for the winner of the popular vote in their own states, or make their own calculations as to who is best for America? Precedent suggests a secret ballot, so individual lawmakers may vote their consciences. This scenario may not be terribly reassuring for those seeking a surefire means to keep Trump from a second term. But throwing the election to House seems just as risky as relying on the Democrats to nominate someone who can win 270 electoral votes.

All the more reason for Biden and Romney to do a really good campaign so they can win America's hearts and minds by standing athwart centrism and yelling "LET'S COMPROMISE!"

The article has more paragraphs it it but we don't fucking care anymore. Instead let's mock it by making up some really mean alternate "unity tickets" that will also win one million electoral votes in 2020:

  • Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez/Louie Gohmert 2020!
  • Sarah Palin/Noam Chomsky 2020!
  • Jacob Wohl/Somebody Who Has Had Sex Before 2020!
  • Sarah Huckabee Sanders/The Truth 2020!
  • Donald Trump Jr./Somebody Whose Face Is Arranged The Normal Way 2020!

OK, this has been fun, let's do it again real soon.


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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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Some of our favorite people to follow on Twitter are the wonderful folks who watch Fox News every night and tweet screenshots and videos, so that we never ever EVER have to watch it. (They all work for Media Matters, so presumably they are being forced to do this by David Brock.)

We had a feeling after Pete Buttigieg did that Fox News town hall, and after we watched the MENSA trust at "Fox & Friends" just lose it all morning about Buttigieg's open criticism of Fox News on Fox News, that the evening hosts would really deliver on Monday night, and boy was our feeling correct.

Let's go to the tape, provided by Media Matters deputy director of rapid response Andrew Lawrence.

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Today it was announced that Dress Barn would be closing all 650 of its stores and its business in general. This has been happening a lot lately, as people have begun to do most of their shopping online rather than in stores. Shopko, a department store chain, recently announced it would be closing all of its stores as well.

Then there's the mall store Charlotte Russe, which closed all of its stores in March. I actually worked there in high school, and at Contempo Casuals, which later became Wet Seal, and which closed all of its stores last January (though it's still online). Many other "mall stores" are also either closing entirely or closing a huge chunk of their stores.

Dress Barn was a terrible and oddly insulting-sounding name for a store. The fact that it survived for as long as it did with marketing that bad actually speaks very well for the store itself. If it were not doing an incredibly good job providing many women with what they wanted, clothing-wise, I do not think they would have survived this long. While I can't speak to that personally, since the last time I lived in an area that had one I was 14 years old (though I did get a very nice purple crushed velvet baby-doll dress there for my grandparent's anniversary when I was in 8th grade), a lot of people today are talking about how much they appreciated that they could get nice work clothes there for a reasonable price -- and also in a wide range of sizes. That's awesome. There should be more of that, not less.

But the real problem isn't just people losing a store they like. It's the fact that all of the people working at those 650 stores no longer have jobs–about 6,800 people in total. (And 18,000 employees are losing their jobs at Shopko, which often served towns of 3,000 to 5,000 people, too small for any other store where you could buy, say, socks and a toaster.) And the way things are going, it's going to be pretty hard for them to find jobs in the same line of work. The vast majority of these people, also, are women.

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