Politico Should Run On A Unity Ticket With SHUT THE F*CK UP, POLITICO

Politico published a bad thing, everyone. (Oh, get up off the fainting couch, we don't have time for that charade today.) Politico does some good reporting, of course, but then it goes and acts like a common Politico and posts bad things written by people we assume are good people, but who have very bad ideas.

AW FUCK NO, do we really have to do this?

We should note on the front end that this is a bad idea about a "unity ticket" literally nobody wants, that would never fucking happen in a million years because in case nobody has noticed, Joe Biden is a DEMOCRAT with actual DEMOCRATIC principles, and not some piece of shit asshole like Joe Lieberman who'll fuck the DEMOCRATIC PARTY out of nothing more than spite. We should also note that this bad idea was written by a woman named Juleanna Glover, who is a REPUBLICAN who's advised all the REPUBLICANS you know and loathe, and has also worked for such luminaries as Jesse Helms and Phyllis Schlafly, whom we hope are having a nice afternoon together in hell right now. (She also is on the Biden Institute Policy Advisory Board.)

Glover concern-trolls about how Biden might get "cannibalized" in a wide-open Democratic primary (true fact!), and agrees that Biden, as he has stated publicly, is the "most qualified" person in the country for the job of president (debatable!). She relies on very early polling that shows Biden as the "front-runner," when at this point in the race there is no real front-runner. In fact, MoveOn just did a straw poll of its members and "I don't fucking know yet" won, closely followed by BETO! People love Joe Biden, but there's literally no reason to believe he's anywhere near the top of most Democrats' minds when it comes to 2020, or for that matter, the top of the minds of much-coveted swing voters (read: stupid voters) and moderate Republican voters who aren't drunk on Trump's chunky jizz sauce.

Glover believes that if Biden just picked Romney -- a weak-sauce dickhead with a car elevator who, as we recall, got his ass handed to him in the 2012 election -- then everything would be just bipartisanship and candy canes. She thinks this would be great for Biden too, because he could "skip the risk and potential indignities of running and losing in what will be a vicious and mulish, leftward-lurching primary," and did we mention that Glover is a Republican strategist? She says by picking somebody from the "principled wing" of the GOP (hahahahahaha this is some Land Of Make Believe shit!) like Romney, or maybe that do-nothing fuckhead Ben Sasse or John Kasich, Biden could win ALL THE THINGS, and Trump would lose.

The top of the ticket needs to come from the center-left, because he or she needs to get a plurality of the vote in the blue states Hillary Clinton won (227 electoral votes), yet be moderate enough to win a plurality in some combination of Trump states such as Florida, Pennsylvania, Wisconsin and Michigan (another 119 votes). A bipartisan ticket might even put purple states like North Carolina, Ohio and Indiana in play.

Or maybe we just pick a really kick-ass Democrat and they'll wipe the floor with Trump in Pennsylvania and Wisconsin and Michigan, all of which handed Trump a resounding EAT MY ASS in the 2018 midterms. Hell, Trump most likely only barely squeaked by in those states in 2016 thanks to voter suppression and Russian manipulation anyway. (Oh yeah, also the obligatory thing about "Hillary forgot to campaign there.") Nothing in those states' results in 2016 or 2018 suggests the Rust Belt is just creaming its pants for a MODERATE. Fuck you.

But what if Glover's idiot plan for Biden-Romney world domination hit a little snag and nobody got 270 electoral votes and the House of Representatives had to pick the president? She says Trump might get a second term, because the Democratic-controlled House would ... vote for Trump? OK, you betcha. Actually, we don't know what her fucking point is in this paragraph, it's written and edited so poorly:

Yet Democratic control of the House may not be a roadblock to a second Trump presidency. No matter which party has the speaker's chair, the GOP would certainly have the upper hand as the GOP has the majority of seats in far more states than Democrats. Would the members of Congress from various states choose to vote for the winner of the popular vote in their own states, or make their own calculations as to who is best for America? Precedent suggests a secret ballot, so individual lawmakers may vote their consciences. This scenario may not be terribly reassuring for those seeking a surefire means to keep Trump from a second term. But throwing the election to House seems just as risky as relying on the Democrats to nominate someone who can win 270 electoral votes.

All the more reason for Biden and Romney to do a really good campaign so they can win America's hearts and minds by standing athwart centrism and yelling "LET'S COMPROMISE!"

The article has more paragraphs it it but we don't fucking care anymore. Instead let's mock it by making up some really mean alternate "unity tickets" that will also win one million electoral votes in 2020:

  • Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez/Louie Gohmert 2020!
  • Sarah Palin/Noam Chomsky 2020!
  • Jacob Wohl/Somebody Who Has Had Sex Before 2020!
  • Sarah Huckabee Sanders/The Truth 2020!
  • Donald Trump Jr./Somebody Whose Face Is Arranged The Normal Way 2020!

OK, this has been fun, let's do it again real soon.


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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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