Good times, man. Good times.

Back in the Before Times, when America hadn't yet become great again through deporting people with Down syndrome and we were burdened with a president who spoke in complete sentences like an elitist snob, a great man named Glenn Beck arose and became the hottest thing on Fox TV. Armed only with a couple of chalkboards and a pocket full of resentments and logical fallacies, Beck warned the angry teabagging masses that Barack Obama, along with ACORN and teachers unions, was on the verge of destroying America from within, with the Cloward-Piven strategy and Saul Alinsky's Rules for Radicals, a book that no liberal has ever read but which rules our every thought. Beck even held a big slob picnic in Washington DC that rivaled Martin Luther King's March on Washington, as long as you use the highest attendance estimate for Beck and the lowest for King, which is only fair to counteract the pernicious effects of affirmative action.

But eventually Beck lost his mojo, especially after the fortieth or fiftieth time he predicted a seismic event in American politics was about to occur and there was no seismic event, not even Beck's crew tilting the camera and running back and forth like on the original Star Trek, and eventually Beck lost his advertisers and his Fox show and nobody was even comparing him to Lonesome Rhodes in A Face in the Crowd anymore, because his schtick just got old. Or maybe George Soros destroyed him. Still, he did build sort of a media network around his The Blaze website, and he even has a The Blaze cable TV channel that is inexplicably still on. But it was less a media empire than a media fiefdom, and now Beck is downsizing. The Daily Beast reports that Beck even has to sell his beloved private jet, which is a reasonably luxurious if aged 1966 Douglas DC-9 executive jet:

The listing for the two engine plane that’s ferried Beck from his home in Texas to New York boasts of “2014 custom paint,” and “2014 airframe and engine inspections,” among other features.

The price is not listed, but it's probably more than any Glenn Beck fans (snrk!) would want to spend to feel close to the fallen master. The financial health of Beck's media prefecture probably hasn't been helped by his tendency to spend money like a common Scott Pruitt:

Employees at The Blaze previously lamented that Beck bought a Maybach sedan and kept his jet -- which was expensive to operate and maintain -- amid massive layoffs at the company in 2015. The jet was purchased by Beck’s radio company, Mercury Radio Arts, that same year from right-wing billionaire Richard Mellon Scaife for a million dollars. It had once been adorned with a skull-and-crossbones on the tail.

Now, though, it looks like a completely anonymous old bizjet that's had a bunch of periodic updates but is propelled by 1960s-designed engines that are hell on jet fuel compared to modern planes. Maybe Beck felt obliged to fly a wasteful old plane, if only to prove climate change is a hoax.

And now Beck is in negotiations to sell his media holdings to Ben Shapiro's I'm Not Whining I'm Just Right internet concern, which would leave Beck as more of a media sharecropper, and isn't it sad that the man who helped pave the way for Donald Trump's political antics is no longer a media titan, o how the mighty are fallen? Look upon his works, ye mighty, and giggle.

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[Daily Beast]

Doktor Zoom

Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.

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Republicans are devouring each other's carcasses, and we are here for it! Especially when one of those Republicans is King Kris of the Kansas Votefucker Klan ... errr, Clan! It's been a week since Kansans cast their votes in the gubernatorial primary, and the GOP looks to be rolling up its sleeves for a slugfest.

As we type, Kobach leads by 298 votes out of more than 314,000 cast -- a whopping 0.00095 percent, if you round up! The Kansas GOP begged Donald Trump to stay out of the race and leave the field clear for sitting governor Jeff Colyer, who took over when Sam Brownback wandered off to bring Jesus to the Hottentots on behalf of the US government. Safe bet that Colyer would be gearing up for the general election now if President Twitterthumbs hadn't flapped his yap. So thanks for that, Donny!

No, really, THANKS!

Remember the hanging chad debacle in Florida? Now picture it in a landlocked state with more cows than people. It's like fantasy island for Devin Nunes, ALLEGEDLY.

Oh, but we are to kid!

After first insisting he wasn't going to recuse from the counting, Secretary of State Kris Kobach (one and the same!) wrote Colyer a fabulously bitchy letter agreeing to hand off the tabulation to his deputy, Eric Rucker. Colyer had made the shocking suggestion that Kobach delegate responsibility to the Kansas attorney general, rather than his own political appointee, and Kobach was stretched out on the settee with a fit of the vapors at the gross impropriety of it all!

I will not breach the public trust and arbitrarily assign my responsibilities to another office that is not granted such authority by the laws of Kansas.

After several anguished paragraphs, Kobach closed by remonstrating that Colyer was betraying his office by destroying the faith of Kansans in the sacred integrity of their electoral process.

As governor of Kansas, your unrestrained rhetoric has the potential to undermine the public's confidence in the election process. May I suggest that you trust the people of Kansas have made the right decision at the polls and that our election officials will properly determine the result as they do in every election.

Said the guy whose entire adult life has been dedicated to whipping up panic about millions of imaginary illegal alien voters.

So now these two princes can kick the crap out of each other WITH VOTES, specifically, provisional ballots cast by unaffiliated voters under the supervision of poorly trained poll workers. Kansas holds closed primaries, meaning only registered Republicans can vote to select the GOP candidate, BUT an unaffiliated voter can cast a vote by checking a box identifying as a Democrat or a Republican at the polling place. This was news to some poll workers, who mistakenly directed over one thousand unaffiliated voters to use provisional ballots without checking the box indicating party preference. Whoops!

So, will those provisional ballots be counted based on voter intent? Or tossed based on strict interpretation of the statute? And does Kansas law mandate tossing mail-in ballots that arrive without a postmark on Wednesday, since there's no forensic proof that they were mailed before midnight on Tuesday? And how disgusted will the Kansas electorate be when one of these assholes emerges from the melée holding the other one's scalp? And how many millions of dollars are going to be spent on litigating the Republican primary while this nice lady Laura Kelly, the Democratic minority whip of the Kansas Senate, is out campaigning for November?

Even before this debacle, Kobach looked significantly weaker against Kelly than Colyer, with self-funded Libertarian Jeff Orman threatening to throw a wrench in the works. The Wichita Eagle reports on a Remington Research Poll conducted in July:

In a Kelly-Orman-Kobach race, the poll puts Kelly and Kobach effectively in a dead heat — 36 percent for Kelly and 35 percent for Kobach, with Kelly's lead within the margin of error. Orman has 12 percent.

Colyer leads in a three-way race with Kelly and Orman, according to the poll. In that scenario, Colyer receives 38 percent of the vote, while Kelly gets 28 percent and Orman receives 10 percent.

Which is ONE POLL, in a deeply red state, but ... Kobach is a crap candidate who's likely to emerge from this fight with two black eyes and a pissed off base. If there's anyone who can blow this election, it's Kris Kobach.

Keep fighting, Kris! You can do it! (And now we need a shower.)

And YOU need an OPEN THREAD!

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Money us, PLEASE! Throw a tip in the jar, or click here to keep your Wonkette snarking forever.

[Kobach letter / Wichita Eagle / Mother Jones / Kansas City Star]

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While most people spent this weekend telling Nazi punks to fuck off, a couple 11-year-olds were in Las Vegas hacking into voting machines. Why? BECAUSE IT'S FUN!

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