Have you ever REALLY LOOKED at your pointed ears? Fascinating.

For some crazy reason, there's a whole bunch of news about the gentle bud today, man, and the news is good and it is mellow, yea verily. Prepare to unleash the juvenile weed puns!

For one thing, Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer is introducing a national marijuana decriminalization bill today; it would remove marijuana from the list of "scheduled substances" under the 1970 Controlled Substances Act, because if you're using it on a schedule, that's just way too uptight. Schumer's bill would also provide funding for women- and minority-owned weed businesses, expand research on pot's impact on public health (let's hope that includes potential positive impacts, yes?), and would empower regulation of marijuana advertising similar to that which currently exists for tobacco and alcohol. Dare we also hope that "Weed" would be added to the Federal Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives, because that would make it a much more laid back agency. Also, here's a thing we wouldn't have expected: For an interview with Vice News, Schumer signed a bong. Far out.

In other hippy dippy legislative news, Senator Bernie Sanders has agreed to co-sponsor a separate weed legalization bill already introduced by Sen. Cory Booker; the other co-sponsors are Oregon's Ron Wyden and New York's Kirsten Gillibrand. Why multiple pot legalization bills? Why not? We won't get into the weeds of the differences (add George Carlin fake-laughing here), but we sure like these provisions of Booker's bill:

Booker’s legislation not only would legalize marijuana but would allow people convicted of marijuana possession to have their records expunged. It would also give incentives to states and local governments to change their laws if they disproportionately affected communities of color.

“We have marijuana legalization already for people who are privileged,” Booker said.

How very true this is -- and while she didn't exactly wait until the 20th of April to say it, that's also the point New York gubernatorial candidate Cynthia Nixon made a bit over a week ago. Twice:

And yes, she also wants legalization to be followed up with expunging criminal records of nonviolent offenders.

Also too, let's not forget this timely report (OK, fine, it's from 4/02, which is just Dyslexic Weed Day) from Scientific American, which notes that in states that have legalized medical and recreational marijuana, the number of opioid prescriptions and the daily doses of opioids dropped precipitously. The studies the article reports on are preliminary, and not quite definitive proof of a causal relationship, but it's a promising line of inquiry. Yes, yes, all you stoners in the comments want to volunteer for the next studies, we know. You're so cute.

Finally, we think we read somewhere that John Boehner is now on the board of a cannabis business, but that may just be something we dreamed up while taking laudanum, a habit we picked up since we've been reading Patrick O'Brian's Aubrey-Maturin novels.

And now it is your OPEN THREAD.

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[NPR / Roll Call / Scientific American,]

Doktor Zoom

Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.

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Hooray, it's time for yet another dispatch from Fox News's big fun week of failure. (No, we mean even more failure than usual.) While all of Twitter is being annoying and talking incessantly about nothing but Bran and Daenerys and Carl and Peg or whoever they are, we have been (ignoring it and) focusing on all Fox's sadness, starting with Pete Buttigieg's town hall, where he called Fox News a piece of shit to its face. Then we laughed and laughed at Fox News idiot Pete Hegseth, who is sending lots of begging to today's college graduates, that they might immediately get dropped on their heads and forget all their education, so they might grow up to be the Fox News viewers of the future.

Oh, and we haven't even had a chance to LOL at the epic hilarity of Steve Doocy trying to do man-on-the-street interviews in Midtown Manhattan, shoving the mic into the faces of New Yorkers who literally don't care if he goes and plays in traffic. That was fun!

But the point of this post is that we have finally learned what makes at least some Fox News viewers tick, and it is that Tucker Carlson "laughs like a girl." That is not us saying that, that is a Fox News fan lady telling the Washington Post's Erik Wemple why she loves Tucker Carlson so much.

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Old White Guys Try To Explain Abortion

Throwing the baby out with the bathwater. It's your Sunday show rundown!


Michael is out, so I'm taking over your Sunday Show Rundown. This week everyone was talking about those awful abortion laws worming their way through state legislatures. As usual, most of the men were tripping on their dicks while trying to talk about vag. Luckily, there's enough women around to ladysplain things.

Bernie Sanders went on Meet the Press for the first time in FOREVER and played his greatest hits for all the kids. Sanders criticized Joe Biden's environmental policy (which is literally just "beat Trump"), stating that it wasn't "good enough." Sanders is right! (NO FIGHTING.)

SANDERS: Beating Trump is not good enough. You have to beat the fossil fuel industry, you have to take on all the forces of the status quo who do not want to move this country to energy efficiency and sustainable energy.

But then Chuck Todd asked Bernie a loaded question about women getting "sex-selective" abortions and the whole interview went off the rails. Bernie struggled to answer the dumbass question and came across looking stupid despite having spent the better part of the last week in Alabama railing against abortion bans.

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