Pour A Few Gallons Out For The Trump Cabinet Fallen
With the "resignation" of Alex Acosta as secretary of Labor, the number of departed Trump Cabinet members now stands at approximately three million, give or take a few. If you were to pour out a 40-oz malt liquor to memorialize each Trump official who's resigned, been fired, or spontaneously combusted, our calculations estimate you'd create an EPA Superfund site, or would, if the EPA actually protected ground water anymore. Let's take a moment to remember some of the top Trump officials who've been shown the door -- for the sake of brevity, we'll only list actual Cabinet members, without attempting to account for every last member of, say, the White House Comms shop, which has chewed up and spat out assistant deputy deputy assistants like Donald Trump making his way through the leftovers at a sportsball hamberder buffet. Most recent first!
Alex Acosta, Labor Secretary. Shitcanned* today.Lasted 813 days. Did absolutely nothing wrong. "Resigned" for the good of the team. Loves Trump so much. Will land on feet.
* We're calling all of 'em shitcanned for these wankers' last day, regardless of whether they "resigned" or were "fired," although CNN attempts to make that largely irrelevant distinction. You want fine distinctions, make your own list.
Patrick Shanahan, Acting Secretary of Defense.Shitcanned June 23, 2019. Lasted 173 days. Nondescript former Boeing executive vanished after revelation of holy shitballs coverup of domestic violence by son. Level of love for Trump uncertain. Job prospects uncertain, but will probably end up with some company that makes killy things.
Kirstjen Nielsen, Homeland Security Secretary.Shitcanned April 7, 2019. Lasted 488 days, was reportedly on way out for 486 days. Was Cruel But Not Cruel Enough. Hated immigrants plenty, but had undue concern for "logistics" of mass deportations. Love for Trump probably unabated, knowing these people. Auditioning for role as child catcher in reboot of Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.
Ryan Zinke, Secretary of Interior.Shitcanned January 2, 2019. Lasted 672 days, worked about 12. Grifty as fuck. Resigned in December, with multiple investigations still open. Loves self, money, and grifting. Got a $100,000 a year job at a mining company, we shit you not. (Update: Zeroes baffle us. We originally had $100 million a year, and we were indeed shitting you because numbers on a Friday?)
John Kelly, White House Chief of Staff. Shitcanned January 2. 2019. Lasted 712 days, including time as Homeland Security secretary. Was rumored to be on way out even longer than Njielsjen. Architect, with Stephen Miller, of family separation and Shithole Countries rant.Considered Trump a Idiot. Insisted he loved Trump. Now jailing children in private sector.
James Mattis, Secretary of Defense.Shitcanned January 1, 2019. Lasted 711 days. Resigned-resigned in protest of Trump's Syria policy. Reputed grownup in room, but they said that about Kelly, too. Went back to rightwing Hoover Institution, so let's not cry too hard for the guy.
Matthew Whitaker, Acting Attorney General.Shitcanned December 7, 2018. Lasted Not As Long as a turd in a Big Dick Toilet. Was Meatball and grifter.
Jeff Sessions, Attorney General.Shitcanned November 7, 2018. Lasted 639 days with Trump threatening to fire him 680 days we think. Expert on Biblical justification for taking children from families, all-around asshole of the first order. Sanctimonious shit. Fuck him. Hope he never works again.
Scott Pruitt, EPA Administrator. Shitcanned July 5, 2018. Lasted 504 days. Fucked over environment as ordered, but also had penchant for putting the lotion on his skin and obtaining Trump hotel jizz mattresses. Fuck him 20 ways from Sunday.
H.R. McMaster, National Security Adviser.Shitcanned April 6, 2018. Lasted 411 days. Stepped aside to let John Bolton start a war with Iran. Considered Trump an "idiot" and a "dope." Do we care what he's doing? Meh.
David Shulkin, Veterans Affairs Secretary.Shitcanned March 28, 2018. Lasted 432 days. Had his own travel scandal grift, but far worse, opposed Trump plan to privatize VA. Landed at a healthcare company. Never had to lie about Trump's weight.
Rex Tillerson, Secretary of State.Shitcanned by tweet, March 13, 2018. What an asshole. Asshole, Asshole, Asshole. Thought Trump was "fucking moron" and asshole, but that didn't make Tillerson not an asshole. Trump fired everyone who ever breathed same air as Tillerson.
Tom Price, Secretary of Health and Human Services. Shitcanned September 29, 2017. God, remember that grifty insider-trading shitbird? Fuck, man.
Michael Flynn, National Security Adviser.Shitcanned February 13, 2017. Lasted 25 days, HA! HA! This fucking guy. THIS FUCKING GUY! Not worth pouring a damn thing out for.
Yr Dok Zoom has HAD IT with all these fuckers, fuck all of them. It is your open thread.
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Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.