DING DING: Hey, the bourbon's kicking in and we forgot which one is Huckabee and which one is Brownback. And who's the black guy who's not Brit Hume again?
KEEP REFRESHING UNTIL WE ARE DONE
10:33 We suppose we should probably watch the insane "live from the Spin Room" debate afterparty? Probably? Unfortunately, it would cause us to slit our wrists. So instead we're going to finish this drink and cry ourself to sleep. And prepare our letter of resignation, to be sent to Nick Denton and Alberto Gonzales.
10:31 Oh, god, Brit Hume just said there'd be "many more debate." WHAT DID WE DO TO DESERVE THIS.
10:29 Gilmore was the head of the Republican party? When was this??? Anyway, the reason there aren't any colored or womenfolk running for President as a Republican because none of them wanted to, apparently.
10:28 That's the end of the lightning round :(
10:26 Tancredo with the Jack Bauer reference! Bring on the torture! And the corporate synergy! You're watching Fox!
10:24 Governor, in the event of a major terrorist attack, how would you help the economy? Ans: I WOULD HUNT THEM DOWN AND KILL THEM SOOOOOO HARD.
10:23 Wait, the economy? Malls are ABOUT TO BE BLOWN UP BY SWARTHY CHARACTER ACTORS AND WE'RE TALKING ABOUT THE ECONOMY?
10:22 Poor John McCain. He is the only one who isn't allowed to get all bloodlusty because he was tortured. So you have to be nice to him.
10:21 This is seriously everyone's time to shine right now. Would Brownback go to the UN? NO, HE WOULD NOT, YOU STUPID HOMO.
10:20 TOMMY THOMPSON, ARE YOU A BAD ENOUGH DUDE TO SAVE THE MALL OF AMERICA? THOMPSON: REAGAN REAGAN REAGAN COLIN POWELL REAGAN. ALSO, BOMBS.
10:19 ROMNEY: LET A THOUSAND GUANTANAMOS BLOOM, I WANT TO SEND EVERYONE THERE FOREVER. WE WILL NOT-QUITE-TORTURE THEM ALL UNTIL WE ARE FREE.
10:17 The audience just applauded waterboarding.
10:16 MAYOR GIULIANI: MCCAIN IS A PUSSY, HOW MUCH WOULD YOU TORTURE THEM?
10:15 Shopping malls? Suicide bombers? SENATOR MCCAIN, HOW MUCH WOULD YOU TORTURE THEM? HOW MUCH??? McCain would personally not torture them sooooo hard.
10:14 OMG OMG THEY HAVE TO RESPOND TO A 24 EPISODE WTF FOX.
10:12 Next is the LIGHTNING ROUND, AWESOME. They will have to solve crises in REAL TIME. We hope they get to role play with each other, like an improv exercise or something. Will they get to make pretend speeches announcing war with Syria and North Korea and Russia and China and Belgium?
10:10 Hahaha awesome, global warming. Get to the crazy, 9/11 and taxes are boring. No, no, wait, Tancredo just made global warming a "national security issue."
10:09 BREAKING: HUCKABEE WILL NOT BE A PERFECT PRESIDENT.
10:07 The entire audience just booed the Confederate flag question, awesome. McCain: Let's just move on, ok? Seriously. Moving on gets applause, because it means he won't get mad that they're still flying it! BTW someone should explain to Rudy "Who would support slavery?" Giuliani what that flag means.
10:04 Ron Paul: AMERICA HAD IT COMING. 9/11 WAS OUR FAULT. He's no Mike Gravel, this one. He did provide a brilliant opportunity for for Giuliani grandstanding, though -- how much is Rudy paying him?
10:01 Duncan Hunter(?) just said this administration has "a case of the slows." Is he one of the ghosts from Family Circus?
10:00 "I'd like to thank Congressman Tancredo for saying I'm soft on anything. It's the first time since I was district attorney that anyone's called me soft." THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID.
9:58 McCain/Kennedy would do for immigration what McCain/Feingold would do for campaign finance reform, according to Mitt. So... McCain would proceed to ignore it when that became convenient?
9:56 Oh shit, WALNUTS is still here. He intends to lead, not to follow, the illegal immigrants over the fence into Arizona. And then on to the White House!
9:55 Tancredo: "I trust those conversions when they happen on the road to Damascus, not the road to Des Moines." Cute!
9:53 Tancredo: "McCain sponsored a bill a little while ago that would've given amnesty to everyone who is here, illegally." WHAT DOES HE KNOW ABOUT MITT?
9:51 The fetus in your womb after getting raped is a beautiful child from a loving god. Thanks, Brownback.
9:50 Huckabee is all over the map. We oppose abortion because... the terrorists hate life, and also because of missing children and trapped miners.
9:48 Rudy Giuliani cannot imagine anyone supporting slavery. He is going to be so, so surprised when he reads Sam Brownback's campaign literature.
9:46 Tommy Thompson likes stem cells because they are from the University of Wisconsin. But he will forbid those monsters from killing those innocent baby cells.
9:43 TOMMY THOMPSON WILL NOT APOLOGIZE FOR BUILDING ROADS.
9:39 Now Rudy is making things up, saying they're Hillary quotes, and then saying, "well, it's a quote she'd agree with." Then Rudy said, "Let's all drink Cosmos and go rent The Birdcage." Well, it's a quote he'd agree with.
9:37 Rudy McRomney? Jim Gilmore, are you as drunk as we are? Wait, you are Jim Gilmore, right? Wait wait, we think he's going to reveal that there's a candidate on this stage who has personally performed an abortion. While... raising taxes?
9:35 Wait wait, which one is Bill Richardson???
