Coronavirus is trying to fuck with my looks, and that is not cool.

I'm not just being vain just being vain, but I have to tell you something. After the election of Donald Trump, with the added stress of that, and with the sedentary nature of this job, and also with my own unhealthy choices, I gained some WEIGHT. Enough that I ended up with high blood pressure and was just generally #fat and #malaise. So I got on BookFace and scored multiple referrals to the celebrity doctor for celebrities here in town, and he's been kicking my ass and helping me fix it ever since. To date, I've hired a personal trainer, lost 40 pounds, gained a shit ton of muscle, and I am wearing clothes I have not worn since I was a young twinky gay boy who needed to eat a sandwich. Also my blood pressure is perfect.

And I've done this in the most boring-ass disappointing way possible: diet and exercise! (And no, there will be no before-and-after nakey pictures, fuck off.)

Anyway, then the gym closed because of the corona and oh my god, I have come too far to let some little pissant pandemic ruin all my hard work, fuck that.

Maybe you are in a similar situation. Maybe you exercised/worked out a lot! Maybe you exercised/worked out sometimes. Maybe you exercised/worked out not at all, but you've been totally thinking it would be a good idea to one day think about getting on YouTube and doing some searches for workout-type things you might want to do someday but not today.

NO JUDGY WUDGY! Wherever you are, I have been in the exact same place. And I am still new enough in my process that I find it literally fucking hilarious that I am the one writing you this article right now.

But I would encourage you to find time during this to move your ass. Because lemme tell you two other things I've struggled with in my life: sleep and depression. Guess what I do not struggle with anymore, for the most part? That stuff. I am pretty sure move your ass is a big part of why I'm doing OK on those fronts.

So, after a few or 96 weeks of quarantine, I lost count, I am going to tell you what I've found to replace what I was doing at the gym before (two sessions a week with the trainer, an extra strength training session on my own, and about three cumulative hours of hard cardio). You could get on the internet and buy a bunch of shit -- my best friend took the opportunity to set up an entire home gym in his spare bedroom -- but I ain't doin' that, at least not yet. All of my recs are for stuff you can do with little to no equipment at all.

I'm trying to do each of the following things about three times a week. My schedule isn't exact yet, but I'm sure after another 167 weeks of corn'tine, I'll have it perfect.


PRANCERCISE!

OK, I am not literally doing Prancercise, but if you'd like to, please put a number on your back and I will sign up to sponsor you like you're running a marathon.

Original - Prancercise: A Fitness Workout www.youtube.com

But I am walking. A lot. (I'm not a runner, and I harbor no secret desires to become one. But if you are, do it!) And one thing about this whole corona hoohah is that it's hitting at a pretty decent time of the year, weather-wise. So ingest a fistful of Claritin if your neighborhood's a-bloomin', and go for a damn walk.

I'm trying to do at least four miles every time I walk, and you can make it fun by doing all different routes or going to different neighborhoods, which is probably fine even under a stay-at-home order if you're in a place where you can drive to wherever you want to walk. (If you live in the big city, do not take the subway to find greener pastures. Stick with your own damn pastures.)

Obviously, stay the fuck away from other people when you are doing this. Obviously.

I also got a bike rack for the Volvo and I'm going to be adding a bunch more bike-riding to the schedule.

YOGA!

I have always wanted to get good at yoga and never gotten around to it, so why not now.

Luckily, there is lots of free yoga on the internet, and one of these two series might be good for you if you're interested. I started out doing this 30-day challenge on a website called DoYogaWithMe, which is very, very good and very beginner. Seriously, the first session is pretty much "lay on your ass and feel your mindfulness on your body!" The great thing, though, is that that website has shit-tons of yoga, at all levels, full of 30-day challenges and 14-day challenges and all kinds of other challenges.

Point is, you can kinda dive in where you want. I will probably dive back into that website after I am done with ...

THIS GUY.

His name is Tim Senesi, and we are legally married now. Hopefully after coronavirus is over I will have a chance to find him and introduce myself and make him aware of how we are husbands.

Anyway, he also has a 30-day challenge that's beginner-ish, but it's vinyasa, which is more athletic and focused on associating breath with movement, and it seems a better fit for me right now, if I want #results. It's called the "Total Yoga Body Workout Challenge," and this is the first video. It is 24 minutes long, so please see if you can find time in your busy STAY-THE-FUCK-AT-HOME schedule for that.

Day 1 Total Yoga Body Workout | Yoga Dose www.youtube.com

It's perfectly legal to simply audit the first video, to see if you might want to watch Tim's body for 24 minutes per day while also improving your own body.

I'm doing that series above, but Tim, my legal husband (SHHHH don't tell him yet), is actually doing a "Quarantine Challenge" right now on his website.

Not ready for yoga yet? Here, it's "Sit And Be Fit," episode 817, featuring "Uncle Frank":

Sit and Be Fit with Mary Ann Wilson RN, episode 817 featuring Uncle Frank www.youtube.com

And finally, we have ...

HIIT That Shit!

I hate high intensity interval training (HIIT), where you go really fast from strength-building exercise to strength-building exercise and you sweat so much and you burn so much fat and did I mention I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it?

I hate it.

But it is sooooo good for you.

My personal trainer is actually teaching HIIT classes online during this time, so I feel a sense of obligation to not be a lazyass and do his videos a few times a week. However, he is MINE personal trainer and I am not going to pimp him out for free, and you should be sad about that, because he's pretty darn cute.

However, there is so much HIIT available on the internet, and usually the sessions aren't huge-long. So if you want a lot of bang for your buck, so you can go back and watch the Netflix Tiger show ASAP, do HIIT. Seriously, a lot of them are like 15-minute workouts.

And if that is not your speed right now, let me show you another cute guy I found on the internet named Steve Kamb, who does a YouTube channel called Nerd Fitness, which is just as non-judgy and non-meathead as it sounds.

Here he is teaching a beginner body weight circuit -- "body weight" means you don't need props, except for like a couple things you might find around your house, and "circuit" means you are still doing a series of exercises in repetition, for MAXIMUM GAINS BRO -- and I have done this workout 300,000 times and it does the trick each and every time.

Beginner Body Weight Circuit Workout | Nerd Fitness www.youtube.com

It's great, because it's set up in such a way that he'll say, "OK, you do a 30-second plank here and then you do 20 lunges, but if you can't do that many yet, THAT'S OK! Figure out how many you can do, and get good at that number, and then start trying to add one or two as you get stronger." Very user-friendly.

And so forth. And Nerd Fitness has a shit ton of videos, just like Yoga Sexxx Husband above and the DoYogaWithMe site I mentioned.

In Conclusion, This Has Been A Blog Post About Hot Guys I Found On The Internet

Just kidding, this blog post is about MOVE YOUR ASS.

Seriously, try to find something. It will make you feel better, and hey, if you really get into it, you can be the person who comes out of quarantine looking sexxxier than ever. (You will still have fucked up hair.)

Also, if you have your own ideas/recommendations, say them in the comments!

And now, this is your OPEN THREAD, but not before you DROP AND GIVE ME 20, YOU FUCKING BABY, WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU, YOU FUCK?

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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