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Pre-Swamp Sweat Fest Fun: The Many Ways To Enjoy DC Spring

Wonkabout

Happy third day of Passover to all our Jewish friends and a hoppy almost Easter to "everyone else!" Jews eating matza and the celebration of when Jesus returned to say "howdy" to all his followers before going away again are two exciting occasions that mark fertility, horny rabbits, and most importantly, spring. Before we enter the sweat feast that is D.C. in the summer when thousands of young impressionable political science majors will come to D.C. to flaunt their stapling skills and flocks of fanny-packed tourists will roll around town in their Segways, we get D.C.’s most enjoyable season, spring. This means there is pig to be eaten and patios to be enjoyed.


A refresher on springtime in D.C.:

You’re really fooling yourself if you think that being outside in the summer in D.C. is an enjoyable experience. Even if D.C. is slowly becoming a city that caters to more than the craft-beer-loving crowd, it will always, always be a swamp of despair and misery in the summertime. Seeing as how nasty summer will be, here's some ideas for how to enjoy these nice spring days:

Washingtonians love drinking outside and eating brunch. These restaurants allow for both:

Upcoming pig-focused events:

  • Wednesday, April 20: Tonight, Poste will be roasting a happily raised (though now unhappily very dead) pig to celebrate the opening of their courtyard. A plate of pig costs $20 and comes with a beer or a glass of wine. [Poste]
  • Wednesday, April 20: Jackson 20 is hosting an all-you-can-eat “Pig-A-Palooza” (this is why your Wonkabout hates alliteration) in its courtyard. The event features, in addition to slow roasted swine, BBQ ribs, pulled pork, potato salad, cold slaw, smoked corn, cornbread, green bean salad and pies for $35. [Jackson 20]
  • Thursday, April 21: The only acceptable way to welcome spring is with a Pig Party. On Thursday, from 4-8PM, Restaurant 3 will be celebrating the opening of their patio with... fresh-off-the-pig pulled pork sandwiches as well as bacon–stuffed waffles with bacon ice cream. Oh hey, here's something that makes this lavish consumption of pork slightly more acceptable: proceeds from the event will benefit the Ronald McDonald House. [Restaurant 3]
  • Saturday, April 23: If you happen to have an $100 laying around and can't imagine living another day unless you know how break down an entire pig, here's your chance: This Saturday afternoon BLT Steak will be teaching the "art" of breaking down a pig as well as how to create "inventive" pork dishes. The class includes a four-course lunch and cooking demonstration. [BLT Steak (PDF)]
  • Sunday, May 1: But spring really officially begins in D.C. when men don sundresses in a celebration of mumus, cheap beer and freshly roasted pig at Wonderland's Annual Sundress Fest Fundraiser. [Wonderland]

Spring also means Nationals games and D.C. United games, kayaking, the Sweetlife Festival which is May 1, and Jazz in the Garden, which starts May 27. If you are desperate and have no friends — or, conversely, if you have lots of friends and care to round them all up on a weekly basis — there's always spending spring playing kickball on the Mall.

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Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez's first days in Congress have been a doozie. She's been "mistaken" for an intern or a spouse on multiple occasions, everyone's making up pretend fights that she's getting in with people she's not actually getting into fights with, and she's still somehow not performing poverty well enough to convince Fox News and other conservatives that she is not a secret billionaire.

On Wednesday, Fox News published an exposé on AOC and her vast riches -- showing that even though she said that it was going to be tough to afford an apartment in DC for the three months before she'd receive a salary, she was actually a fifteen thousandaire.

If she converted that $15K into pennies, she could probably swim in them, just like her fellow rich person Scrooge McDuck.

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This is the third time this week we've covered the mixed up files of Mrs. Cindy Hyde-Smith. I'm as happy about it as you are, but the US Senator from Mississippi has a bad habit of confessing to bad things in front of cameras. She's clearly a politician best suited for a simpler, more racist time, or at least an alternate reality where cameras weren't invented. Even the most detailed sketch of her saying stupid stuff wouldn't have the same impact.

Hyde-Smith faces Democrat Mike Espy in a runoff election on Nov. 27. Video surfaced Thursday of her at a recent campaign stop in Starkville, Mississippi, promoting the practical benefits of voter disenfranchisement.

"And then they remind me that there's a lot of liberal folks in those other schools who ... maybe we don't want to vote," Hyde-Smith is heard saying. "Maybe we want to make it just a little more difficult. And I think that's a great idea."
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