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Good morning, Wonklets! How can we possibly review what happened yesterday? Has yesterday even ended yet? All we know is that everybody is going to emergency and everybody is going to jail, and that if you look at the president's Twitter this morning, that little weak-ass fucker is FREAKED. He's also probably preparing his pardon pen, at least for Paul Manafort.


As for Michael Cohen, President Baby Hands is taking a different tack. First he tried to be cute about it:

A few minutes later, Trump rolled over in bed and started screaming NO CRIME, NO CRIME, MICHAEL COHEN CONFESSED TO CRIMES THAT ARE NOT CRIMES! Which is strange, because just a few minutes ago Trump was saying Cohen "made up" his crimes to get a "deal." Oh well, President Full-Of-Shit's just making it up as he goes along.

OK buddy, whatever's keeping you from hurling yourself off the Truman Balcony today.

We see why he's freaked, though. Many smart people are saying 8/21/18 will go down as the day Everything Changed, the day the president of the United States was officially named as an unindicted co-conspirator, a man who not only committed crimes but directed them. And Michael Cohen's lawyer Lanny Davis says Cohen doesn't even want a stinky gross pardon from President Grabass! Davis also told Rachel Maddow on Tuesday night that Cohen can't wait to tell Robert Mueller about all Trump's NO COLUSION with Russia. OHHHHHHHH YES. Davis specifically referenced Don Jr.'s Russian treason meeting in Trump Tower and the possibility that Trump had foreknowledge of the Russian hacking and even maybe "cheered it on."

So we thought it might be useful to look at Michael Cohen's guilty plea real fast, as well as the government's information document on Cohen's crimes, to assess precisely how many crimes the president of the United States directed Cohen to commit, so far, that we know of. SPOILER: It's more than two!

In Michael Cohen's hearing on Tuesday, he went further than he had to in his guilty plea, directly implicating Donald Trump. On the campaign finance violations, he specifically said he coordinated illegal payments to a Playboy lady and a porn lady during the campaign, specifically for the purpose of influencing the outcome of the 2016 election, and at the direction of Donald Trump. Indeed, Cohen's exact words were "in coordination with and at the direction of a candidate for federal office" and "for the principal purpose of influencing the election."

But let's remember that one of the charges Cohen copped to was bank fraud in obtaining a home equity line of credit (HELOC) in December of 2015, grossly understating his millions of dollars of debt. It was that HELOC he used to pay Stormy Daniels. He transferred the money to Essential Consultants LLC (the slush fund he set up to pay porn ladies, which he then used for all kinds of grifting, some of it with skeevy Russians) and paid Daniels from there. According to the criminal information document on Cohen, he lied to the bank about what that payment was for.

Oh, and he "coordinated with one or more members of the campaign" in making the porn payoffs.

Then he invoiced the Trump Organization for reimbursement, but lied on the forms about what they were for. And then the Trump Organization added a whole bunch of extra money to Cohen's "reimbursement" and put it on an installment plan. We'll have more analysis on that later, because it's JUICY.

Remember, in the hearing Cohen said he did all this at the direction of the oozing, whining, one-million-pound blob of orange make-up and shame who is now president of the United States.

How many crimes did Trump have Cohen commit for him? COUPLE FEW, so far! We have no idea how many more crimes there are, but our guess is that yesterday was just the tip of the iceberg.

And Cohen wants to talk more!

Oh, Donald Trump. Everything you touch turns to shit. And none of this would have happened if your mom had just gotten an abortion you hadn't incorrectly thought you were a valuable human being worthy of being president of this great country. How many more people's lives will you ruin before you resign and never show your ugly shitface in public again?

The sooner the better, asshole.

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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