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We need to update you on the predicament of Roger Stone, even though we damn near break out into hives every time we have to look at his incorrectly shaped head, because it seems like special counsel Robert Mueller is getting closer ... closer ... closer ... closer ...

Anyway!

Stone hasn't been indicted in connection to the investigation into the Trump campaign's conspiracies with Russia. Mueller hasn't even talked to him. (They don't usually talk to targets.) But Stone's public behavior lately suggests he might be going a li'l bit unhinged as he waits for the feds to show up and put a bag over his gross pee-colored hair (just so they don't have to look at him) and then arrest him. For instance, who among us hasn't posted the picture above on Instagram, of ourselves dressed up as Space Force Trump Nazis? And then deletes it? Oh, just Roger Stone does that? And deletes it? Well OK then.


Robert Mueller's team currently seems to be working its way through everybody Roger Stone has ever met, and it's making them all crazy. Mother Jones reported this week that Mueller is reading all Stone's BUT HER EMAILS, and our very funny headline above comes from correspondence between Stone and Randy Credico, an odd figure in the investigation who is a radio host and a comedian, who supported Bernie Sanders in 2016, and may have acted as a conduit of some sort between Stone and Julian Assange regarding the release of hacked DNC and Hillary Clinton campaign emails, which Stone seemed to know was coming beforehand. Stone has changed his story a few times -- he's claimed before that he and Julian Assange are tight and that they "dined together," but he also says he's never even communicated with the guy -- but it seems like Stone at least tried to use Credico to get damaging WikiLeaks on Hillary Clinton during the campaign. Stone has even said Credico ponied up with information from Assange. Is he lying about Credico? Who the fuck knows! Stone seems to have had several back channels to the Russian hackers and WikiLeaks anyway, but regardless, MoJo confirms that Credico has been subpoenaed by the Mueller investigation.

And about that PREPARE TO DIE COCK SUCKER stuff! You see, Randy Credico said on the radio that Roger Stone was saying fibs about him, so Stone emailed Credico on April 9 of this year:

"I am so ready. Let's get it on. Prepare to die cock sucker," Stone emailed Credico on April 9 in response to Credico indicating he would publicly challenge Stone's description of their 2016 contacts.

He's so charming. But Roger Stone told MoJo that no, he was not threatening Credico, but that Credico had told him recently that he has terminal prostate cancer (yes, we know, prostate cancer and le ball cancer we refer to in our headline are not the same thing. It's called ARTISTIC LICENSE, ASSHOLES) and he was emailing to say how sorry he was about that. Who among us hasn't emailed someone with cancer to say "PREPARE TO DIE COCK SUCKER"? Oh, you haven't?

Credico confirms he doesn't have prostate cancer or nut cancer or anything like that and is not dying right now.

Regardless, Roger Stone says Credico better TELL THE TRUTH or, we guess, alternatively, PREPARE TO DIE COCK SUCKER, when he sits with Mueller's investigators. That doesn't sound like a threat at all!

On top of Credico, Mueller has been hauling in everybody Stone has ever met, or at least trying to haul them in. One of his longtime aides, Andrew Miller, has tried and failed to SEE YOU IN COURT Robert Mueller, and get a judge to say the Mueller investigation is a NO COLUSION WITCH HUNT. That judge is one of the four judges who have ruled that challenges to the constitutionality of the Mueller probe are invited to fuck right off. After Miller refused to appear before the grand jury, he was held in contempt and might get to SEE YOU IN JAIL.

Meanwhile, because everything is stupid now, Mueller's grand jury also met last Friday with the Manhattan Madam AKA Kristin Davis, who is now a world-famous graphic designer, and who has worked for Stone in the past. On CNN recently, she said Mueller's team seems to be zeroing in hard on Trump campaign conspiracies with Russia. She doesn't think Stone did anything wrong, but then again, she admits she didn't work for Stone during the 2016 campaign. Anyway, she says they're coming for him very soon.

Oh, and who can forget professional nutfuck Sam Nunberg, who basically considers Roger Stone to be the misshapen daddy he never had? He's been with Mueller too.

And there are so many things they could have Stone on! His contacts with Guccifer 2.0, which it turns out, according to Robert Mueller's indictment, is 12 Russian military intelligence dudes. (Stone is all but named in that indictment.) His contacts with WikiLeaks. HIS WEIRD-SHAPED HEAD.

Oh, and then there was Stone's meeting with "Henry Greenberg," that weird guy with the "viscous Russian accent," who just happened to be claiming he had sexxxy Russian dirts on Hillary Clinton. (Stone says that was the Deep State attacking him again.) And Stone's weird contacts with Mueller cooperating witness Rick Gates. SO MANY THINGS!

So will Roger Stone's time in the barrel be coming soon, as he predicted about Hillary's campaign chair John Podesta's emails?

ONLY ROBERT MUELLER KNOWS!

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[Mother Jones]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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