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What's President Tinkle Poots yapping about on Twitter today?

Oh really, we're not leaving Syria without a plan in place anymore? Coulda fooled us.

Less than a month ago, Donald Trump tweeted with much fanfare that the war on ISIS was SO OVER, that we had basically defeated ISIS, and that the troops would be coming home within maybe a month, like SEE YA, Kurds! Thanks for helping us fight ISIS, but the president of Turkey whispered in the president of America's ear that he really wants America to get out of the way so he can attack the Kurds, who are our allies. Who else ordered Trump to get out of Syria? Putin, maybe? The possibilities are endless.

Anyway, Trump said then that the troops were coming home "now," and the New York Times reported Trump had ordered the withdrawal to happen within 30 days, which led Congress to say WHAT THE FUCK in a very bipartisan way! Whether people support or don't support our involvement in that war, people across the board agree that if we're pulling out, there needs to be a reason and a strategy and a real plan, which Trump obviously doesn't have.

But we guess the much cooler head of National Security Advisor John Bolton prevailed (yes, we said "cooler head of John Bolton," because in case you haven't noticed, we live in hell now), because it turns out we're not actually leaving Syria. Pay no attention to the tweets from the dipshit behind the curtain, everyone! Much like how former Defense Secretary James Mattis would "slow walk" (try to ignore) Twitter missives from the president, Bolton is now reassuring everyone that actually we're not doing Trump's dumb thing, because there are "conditions" on our withdrawal. They are some big conditions!


The failing New York Times reports, in the article that chapped President Fuck Noggin's ass so very much:

President Trump's national security adviser, John R. Bolton, rolled back on Sunday Mr. Trump's decision to rapidly withdraw from Syria, laying out conditions for a pullout that could leave American forces there for months or even years.

Bolton said we're staying until ISIS is all the way beat, and until we can be certain Turkey won't immediately murder the Kurds the second they get done taking selfies with the American troops and signing "Stay sweet!" and "Have a great summer!" in each other's yearbooks.

Yes, here we are again, simultaneously thanking God the president's advisers literally ignore his bullshit, and being HORRIFIED at the precedent set by the fact that people literally ignore the president's bullshit. Hell, James Mattis resigned in a sternly worded "fuck you" over Trump's order to withdraw troops from Syria immediately. Guess he didn't have the patience to "slow walk" any more of Trump's dipshit orders. The Times also notes that Kevin Sweeney, the Defense Department's chief of staff, announced his resignation on Saturday.

As you can see above, Trump, who may or may not even remember what he said less than a month ago about Syria, and may or may not even know what year it is right now, is pretending he never said the thing he said about us leaving Syria immediately. The Times says that on Sunday he told reporters that he "never said we were doing it that quickly." Ho hum, is the president of the United States lying, stupid, or both? (It is both.)

Trump had already extended the timeline from "NOW NOW NOW, THE BABY WANTS IT NOW!" to four months during his five-minute trip to Iraq over Christmas. If John Bolton's conditions are followed, that means we're going to be over there a LOT longer, but who the fuck knows how long.

Bolton made his comments during a trip to the Middle East, and the Washington Post reports Secretary of State Mike Pompeo is also heading over that-a-way to tell our Arab friends to cool their jets, nobody's "leaving" or "going home" or "doing what the president ordered":

Pompeo is also headed to the region this week to reassure Arab allies that the United States will not abandon them to either the Islamic State or to Iran. Reports that the Americans were leaving, said a senior administration official who briefed reporters Friday on Pompeo's trip, were "false news" and there was no Syria departure timeline.

THE "FALSE NEWS" CAME FROM THE FUCKING PRESIDENT'S TWITTER ACCOUNT.

As we wrote before, the outcry over Trump's ordered immediate withdrawal from Syria wasn't about the argument over whether we should be in Syria in the first goddamned place. Now that it looks like we're going to be there a lot longer, y'all are free to have that argument.

We'll close this post with comments from Rep. Adam Smith, the Democratic CHAIRMAN of the Armed Services Committee, whom Trump has also been yapping about on Twitter today:

"We don't want ISIS to rise again and be a transnational terrorist threat, and we don't want our allies the Kurds to be slaughtered by Erdogan in Turkey. That was obvious," House Armed Services Committee Chairman Adam Smith (D-Wash.) said Sunday on ABC News's "This Week."

"I'm pleased that John Bolton has recognized the national security interest, and that's what we want to have," Smith said, " . . . not a tweet going 'Eh, let's get out of Syria.'"

Ya think?

[New York Times / Washington Post]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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