That bill thing, with the $1.9 trillion and the $1,400 or more coming to your bank account and the funding to slam the vaccine into your Obama bicep so hard you don't get the coronavirus anymore?

It is signed. Because that is part of how a "bill" becomes a "law." Gotta remember to sign it.

Here is video of President Joseph "All I Do Is Win" Biden signing that damn thing like it's a big fuckin' deal or something.


If you watch the video, you will notice that Biden used a normal adult pen to sign the bill, instead of using a big fat Sharpie like a jackass. This is presumably because Biden's hands are normal-sized and capable of grasping normal adult pens.

You will also notice Biden did not hold up the bill afterward like show-and-tell, which obviously means the entire signing ceremony was invalid.

In case Biden doesn't know yet, THIS is how you sign coronavirus relief bills into law:

Jesus, he is so new at this.

ANYWAY.

As a result, there's at least $1,400 coming to most Americans very soon, plus much much more if you have children, in the form of child tax credits between $3,000 and $3,600 per child, which will be paid out in monthly installments. Unemployment benefits of $300 per week will continue for people. Obamacare will be WAY better, and some people's premiums will go down to diddly squat. Child poverty will be cut in half, just like our beloved memory of Dr. Seuss.

There are 128 gabillions of dollars to get schools back open. There is $28 billion to help the restaurant industry, which GOP Senator Roger Wicker, who did not vote for the bill, was sure to let his constituents know, like HEY GIRL, LOOK!

To be fair, it was his (and Kyrsten Sinema's) amendment.

But he didn't vote for the bill. So fuck off.

There's rental assistance, there's PPP loan dollarbucks, there's broadband internet dollarbucks ... it's just a lot of dollarbucks, OK?

In addition, in little-noticed provisions, Drag Queen Story Hour is now mandatory daily for the children of white conservatives, and all Potato Head products, regardless of gender, will now be rebranded as DOCTOR Potato Head, by First Lady Dr. Jill Biden's decree.

Tonight at maybe 8 p.m., maybe another time, who can even say, President Biden will holler at the nation like "I WIN! I WIN! I WIN I WIN I WIN I WIN I WIN!" Or at least we wouldn't blame him if he did that. "My fellow Americans, WHEEEEEEEEE I WIN!" and he just starts popping wheelies all over the Oval Office on his presidential trike. That would be a fine speech.

Today is a good day in America.

If you've missed Wonkette's earlier coverage of "COVID Bill: What Even Is That Thing?" peruse below:

OPEN THREAD.

Follow Evan Hurst on Twitter RIGHT HERE, DO IT RIGHT HERE!

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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