President Bugf*ck's New Year's Resolution Clearly 'Be More Bugf*ck'

Donald Trump did THAT THING HE DOES today. It was time for his first Cabinet meeting of the year, so of course, he had everybody come in so he could say dipshit words at them. This is what the table looked like:

That's right, the president of the United States brought his SUPER COOL "Sanctions Are Coming" post, we guess to show it off to all the people who are paid to be nice to him, since everybody else made fun of it.

There was of course a required round of ass-kissing, where cabinet members bowed down and begged Dear Leader for his blessing. Here's pretend acting attorney general "Meatball"givin' him a nut-scratchin' for "giving up" his Christmas holidays so he could stay in the White House and whine on Twitter while the government has been shut down:

After that, Trump talked to reporters. And boy oh boy, did he talk! Some of his words were in English, we think.

In this first video, Trump rambles about our military not knowing anything and something about tariffs, and then explains he could be the president of Europe if he wanted to, but he doesn't want to, he wants to do other stuff, and he would have won the popular vote in Europe too if the electoral college wasn't #rigged against Republicans. Then he said the prime minister of India is always telling him they built a library in Afghanistan, LOL, libraries are where nerds who know how to read go.

We are only slightly exaggerating:

"I could be the most popular person in Europe. I could run for any office if I wanted to. I don't want to."

In response to a question about Lord Mittens of Romney's very mean op-ed, Trump talked about how he did really good tax cuts, he repealed Obamacare, and when the Supreme Court agrees with the idiot judge who struck down Obamacare just recently, Obamacare will be SUPER-repealed, because Obamacare, which has been both repealed and not repealed, is so very bad that you can't get healthcare unless you get hit by a tractor. Yes, by a tractor.

Then he took a shit on dearly departed former Secretary of Defense Jim Mattis, and claimed he fired Mattis, which is a lie. (Trump changed his tune on Mattis's resignation once somebody read Mattis's resignation letter to him and explained the big words.)

Sure, buddy, YOU BET.

Trump, still on the subject of world history, dropped some #KnowledgeWords on the room when he explained why the Soviet Union is just Russia now:

Russia used to be the Soviet Union. Afghanistan made it Russia. Because they went bankrupt fighting in Afghanistan.

Yeah, Mister President, we think there was a bit more to it than that and every historian this side of Dinesh D'Souza is probably slitting their wrists right now, but WHATEVER. Trump also said in that segment that the Soviet war in Afghanistan was a good idea, so there's a #HotTake.

Later on in the same clip, Trump said, "I think I would have been a good general." You know, if he hadn't fucked off and maybe gotten his doctor to invent some bone spurs out of whole cloth, to get him out of Vietnam. If things had gone differently, he DEFINITELY would be a general now, and a VERY GOOD ONE.

Weird enough for you yet? Well maybe you'd like to hear the president's thoughts on his premature reverse ejaculation from Syria, a war he says was already lost anyway, and it's not like there are any riches for Trump to rape and pillage there, it's just "sand and death." You've heard of Cake Or Death, but this is a totally different game, where you always get both sand and death. "It's sand. And it's death." TRUMP HATH SPOKEN!

There was lots of yammering about WALL, which is not just for national security but also "health and wellness," as Trump explained. Then he started whining about spending Christmas alone in his underpants.

I was here on Christmas evening, I was all by myself in the White House. That's a big, big house. Except for all the guys out on the lawn with machine guns, nicest machine guns I've ever seen. I was wavin' to 'em!

That's a real quote. He was "all alone with the machine gunners," but they didn't wave back at him. He felt very safe, though. He wanted somebody to come back to Washington and do negotiations with him. Nobody did. The end.

Moving on ...


How did Trump keep gas prices from going up really high? He picked up the phone and said "DON'T DO IT." And they didn't do it. The end.

Have you heard about the time Trump met with some generals about Syria? They were really hot and sexxxy generals, even more dick-licious than Tom Cruise. It was in the room that is the most beautiful of all the rooms. It was full of "computer boards," yes, he said "computer boards," so many "computer boards" you'll get sick of "computer boards."

Jesus, did we miss anything? Sure! We missed the part about how Trump got a letter from Kim Jong-Un and it was a nice letter and PBS did a good special on North Korea and it wasn't even fake news, not even a little bit, and Kirstjen Nielsen beamed upvia satellite from hell and said some lies about "fake families" rushing the border, and Trump told some other lies, and the entire thing was just bugfuck.

If you'd like to know exactly how many bugfuck lies Trump told in this short period of time, check out Daniel Dale's Twitter. He's good for that.

The rest of you may have an OPEN THREAD.

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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