President Coronary Thrombosis Perfectly Healthy, Just Likes Making Surprise Hospital Visits
Did the president have a heart attack this weekend? We should know enough not to expect a straight answer. Donald Trump made an unscheduled trip Saturday to the Walter Reed National Military Medical Center in Bethesda, Maryland. Sources reportedly told Andrew Vernon, a contributor to The Hill, that Trump was being examined for chest pain. That seems a more likely explanation than what part time White House press secretary Stephanie Grisham offered us. She said in a statement that Trump had some down time so he proactively went to the hospital to have his oil changed.
GRISHAM: Anticipating a very busy 2020, the President is taking advantage of a free weekend here in Washington, D.C., to begin portions of his routine annual physical exam at Walter Reed.
That's hard to believe even if the White House or the press secretary had any credibility. Trump is lazy. He's not someone who gets a jump on things. He's not my wife (thank God). Grisham implies that Trump's weekends are otherwise jam-packed with work, but he usually plays golf like a retired person with no interesting hobbies. He watched The Joker Saturday night, and that seems more like how Trump would spend all his non-crime-related free time. I just don't believe he would voluntarily go to a doctor unless he was in serious discomfort.
It's also suspect that Trump described Saturday's visit to Walter Reed as "phase one" of his annual physical, which he'll actually finish next year. It's like his doctors are unreliable contractors screwing him on a kitchen remodel. They updated the backsplash, but his cabinets are on back order and won't be ready until next spring.
It's possible that "phase two" is just the actual physical, which should only take a few hours because Trump is at least passably human. But we shouldn't promote conspiracy theories. We should take the president at his word despite his documented history of obvious lies.
Saturday evening, while Trump was watching good friend Robert De Niro in The Joker, Grisham stopped by Jeanine Pirro's Fox News show to spread some North Korea-style propaganda. Not only is our dear leader in excellent health, he's in the best health of anyone who ever lived. Actual billionaires want to hunt down Trump for the restorative properties of his blood.
Stephanie Grisham, Jeanine Pirro Praise Trump's Health After Unexpected Checkup 'He's Almost Superhu youtu.be
PIRRO: And there's no truth to the rumors that it was something else because the rumors are flying!
GRISHAM: Oh, the rumors are always flying. Absolutely not. [Trump] is healthy as can be. I put a statement out about that. He has more energy than anybody in the White House. That man works from 6 a.m. until ... very, very late at night. He's doing just fine.
Please join us in a hearty round of derisive laughter. Grisham, who is not a medical doctor, seems very confident about the president's health, but he's only completed "phase one" of his multi-part, perfectly normal, routine physical. She must've skipped to the end.
PIRRO: You know, Stephanie, he's almost superhuman.
He is not.
PIRRO: I don't know how anyone can deal with what he's dealing with. I get frustrated with what's going on in Washington. i want to throw things at the television. But I don't.
Pirro sounds like someone at risk of a heart attack. She should schedule "phase one" of a routine physical soon.
CNN reported Sunday that very little about Trump's visit was normal. Walter Reed staff didn't receive advance notice of the president's arrival. Trump's previous physicals were noted on his daily calendar, but his Saturday visit wasn't even on his internal calendar. People don't even schedule haircuts this spontaneously. Trump also took a motorcade to Walter Reed instead of the Marine One helicopter. This is all very strange, and Grisham was really annoyed that the media kept poking holes in her ridiculous story.
GRISHAM: We're not going to get into security and movement protocols when it comes to the President.
This is probably because she doesn't know them herself.
GRISHAM: [B]ut as my statements said [Trump's] in good health and it was a routine checkup as part of his annual physical. I've given plenty of on the record statements that were truthful and accurate -- actively trying to find and report conspiracy theories really needs to stop.
How dare people imply Grisham's lying when she's not lied "plenty" of times! She can't count how many time she hasn't lied, so get off her back. She worked very hard on that cold plate of bullshit she served us. The least we can do is swallow it.
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Stephen Robinson is a writer and social kibbitzer based in Portland, Oregon. He's on the board of the Portland Playhouse theater and writes for the immersive theater Cafe Nordo in Seattle.