President Patsy Still Working Part Time As Putin’s Press Secretary
You might recall that Vladimir Putin put a bounty on the heads of US troops in Afghanistan, and since that revelation emerged, Donald Trump has done absolutely nothing. He didn't bring it up during a recent conversation with Uncle Vlad because they were too busy discussing more important issues, like how best to remain in power forever with sham elections. He hasn't even tweeted anything mean about Russia like the country is a Black member of Congress or a Black former president or anyone who goes about their life while Black.
The president, who should care about this sort of thing, has been more focused on sending federal troops to "Democrat-run cities" that don't have their graffiti artists under control. Trump has tougher words for Oregon Governor Kate Brown than he does for an authoritarian dictator.
Trump was asked again about Putin's naughtiness Friday and claimed he knew nothing about it. The whole story was just another "hoax" unlike the burning streets of Portland.
The President is asked about Russian bounties and says he thinks it’s another Russia Hoax. He says it was never bro… https://t.co/gDRVvgsrQO— Acyn Torabi (@Acyn Torabi)1596234169.0
Trump insists that he reads his presidential briefings “all the time," but those briefings included the deets about Russia's scheme to murder American soldiers. This is somewhat of a Catch-22 for the Trump administration: Either the president or his staff is totally incompetent. (We're going with “all of the above.") It's also obvious that the only real “briefings" Trump receives is his daily binging of Fox News, and there's no “intelligence" in the information conveyed to his racist reptile brain.
The president has no problem with logical inconsistencies because, like George Costanza, he can live multiple lies at once. He insists that his crackerjack staff never brought Russia's act of war to his attention.
TRUMP: I think it's another Russia hoax.
That's our so-called president talking, not Putin's version of Kayleigh McEnany.
TRUMP: They've been giving me the Russia hoax, Shifty Schiff and all those characters from the day I got here.
It's a little unsettling for Trump to refer to the bounty story another “Russia hoax." That's how he's described claims that his campaign of felons colluded with Russia to help win the election and ruin the country. Trump was at the sticky center of that Tootsie Roll pop of corruption. It was in his interests to pretend the whole thing was bullshit, but why is he still fronting for Putin?
TRUMP: We're working with Russia now on a non-proliferation agreement. If we get something like that, it'll be great.
Yeah, Russia will just pay other people to kill our soldiers. They won't have to nuke them, which is messier. Trump continued tap dancing his ass off in a deranged effort to exonerate Putin.
TRUMP: It was never brought to my attention.
That's a lie.
TRUMP: Because it didn't reach the level ...
Right, a hostile foreign power targeting US soldiers wasn't anything serious like Portland moms protesting against police violence in front of a federal courthouse.
TRUMP: There were a lot of people, including a lot of Democrats, who said it never took place.
That's another lie, obviously, which you know because of Trump's “a lot of people were saying" tell. Also, his lips are moving.
Trump lied some more about how if anyone had bothered to mention Putin's murder plot to him — aside from the press, Democrats, and his own staff — he'd have taken decisive action. Instead, he's keeping Putin on his Jelly of the Month Club list. He did say one true thing:
TRUMP: When you look at what we've done compared to the past administrations, there's no contest.
The US is pulling 12,000 troops from Germany — presumably so he can redeploy them in Oakland and Chicago, because Trump hates German Chancellor Angela Merkel and is alway, maddeningly eager to please Putin.
A popular theory is that Putin has something incriminating on Trump, such as conclusive evidence that he's related to Donald Trump Jr. It's also possible that Trump is a two-bit gangster who considers US troops and law enforcement nothing more than his own personal button men. He has no problem sacrificing them if he considers it good for business, and it's clear to anyone with functioning brain cells that Trump and Putin are in business.
Stephen Robinson on Twitter.
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Stephen Robinson is a writer and social kibbitzer based in Portland, Oregon. He's on the board of the Portland Playhouse theater and writes for the immersive theater Cafe Nordo in Seattle. Tickets are on sale now for his latest Nordo collaboration, "Curiouser and Curiouser," an adaptation of "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" and "Through the Looking Glass." It promises to feel like an actual evening with SER (for good or for ill).