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We do not know who told Donald Trump that "Wheels are old and we still use wheels, therefore walls are also old and GIVE ME WALL!" was a good argument that would be taken seriously by sentient human beings. We prefer to think it was somebody in the White House who secretly haaaaaaaaate him and just likes to play games to see what kind of dumb shit they can get the president to say. The alternative is that it was Stephen Miller or Vladimir Putin.

But Trump really really really really really really thinks his "wheel" analogy is so cool, and that when he says it, he totally sticks it to the libs. Know who uses wheels on their cars? Libs. Know who lives inside houses that have walls? Libs named Barack Hussein Gay-Bama and Mean Nancy. Trump has been saying this "wheel" thing repeatedly for months now. He tweets it.

THE WHEELS ON THE BUS GO 'ROUND AND 'ROUND! 'ROUND AND 'ROUND! 'ROUND AND 'ROUND! THE WHEELS ON THE BUS GO 'ROUND AND 'ROUND TILL THEY CRASH INTO WALL!

Anyway, he did it again.


After suffering what appeared to be a full blown brain aneurysm on camera while talking to reporters at this morning's press gaggle, Trump flew to the border to talk about WALL. We are very shocked he was able to enter the region safely, considering how there is a NATIONAL EMERGY there and no one comes out alive. But he's there, and may God bless him and keep him as he travels through the valley of the shadow of death, even though that valley does not have WALL.

Here's what President Shithole said, to the amusement of himself and the worshipful human skidmarks in attendance:


A wheel is older than a wall. And I looked, and every single car out there, even the really expensive ones that the Secret Service uses, and believe me they are expensive, I said, 'Do they all have wheels?' 'Yes.' 'Oh. I thought it was medieval. [...]

There are some things that work. A wheel works, and a wall works!

AND IF CAR GETS TO HAVE WHEEL, TRUMP GETS TO HAVE WALL.

Of course, #FactCheck, wheels are not older than walls. We could get into a history lesson, or we could just continue assuming that our average reader is not mindfuckingly stupid.

Instead, we want you to imagine you are a fly on the wall, listening to Donald Trump asking somebody if all the Secret Service vehicles have wheels. Imagine he is asking with a straight face. Envision how clever he thinks he's being. Did you, the fly on the wall, just hurl yourself to a smashy death on the floor? Yes you did, because you, the fly on the wall, could not even. On your organ donor card for flies on walls, you donated your three fly brain cells to the president of the United States, because you are after all a Christian fly, and Jesus said you're supposed to help the less fortunate.

Trump did his typical disgusting blood libel shit at the border, just like he always does, just like he did this morning, saying "nobody talks about" how thousands, probably tens of thousands, maybe even millions of gabillions of people every day are murdered by immigrants. This time, though, he did the special thing where he invited family members of people murdered by immigrants to share their stories, so that Bubba and Betty Kay Goatrapist watching Fox News at home in eastern Tennessee with their #MAGA hats hanging off their various no-no bits might be strengthened in their racist belief that all immigrants with skin darker than theirs are like that. Of course, undocumented immigrants commit far fewer violent crimes than natural-born Murricans do, but when have facts ever been relevant in Trump's life, or for Bubba and Betty Kay, who just shit the couch they got so skeered of what the president of the USA was sayin' on the TV!

Trump made up stories about women in bondage at the border, and let's just say he seemed li'l bit too excited when he talked about it. Anyway, these are Trump's imaginary Mexican rapists, we guess.

And we don't know what else happened at the border, because there is no reason for us to give any more attention to Trashbag Hitler's little escapade to the border to scare up hate and fear against innocent people, most of whom are, themselves, running from violence and murder in their own countries, willing to risk a trip to Trump's America for the hope of better lives.

So fuck him and whatever other words he said.

Have an OPEN THREAD. It's time for that.

Follow Evan Hurst on Twitter RIGHT HERE, DO IT RIGHT HERE!

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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CLEAR YOUR CALENDARS FOR FEBRUARY 7! And then fill them back up with whatever the fuck you want, because Michael Cohen has announced through his lawyers that he is too scared to testify before an open session of Congress that day, citing threats to his family from Donald Trump and Rudy Giuliani.

Wonkette has no reason to believe Cohen isn't being serious here, and NBC News reports Cohen's wife and father-in-law are particularly concerned about their safety if the man who used to call his boss MIS-TURRRR TWUMP goes to Congress and tells the truth this time. Still, we must pause to note that this is the same guy who said this to NPR reporter Tim Mak, back when Mak was at The Daily Beast:

"I will make sure that you and I meet one day while we're in the courthouse. And I will take you for every penny you still don't have," Cohen told Mak [...] "And I will come after your Daily Beast and everybody else that you possibly know."

"So I'm warning you, tread very fucking lightly, because what I'm going to do to you is going to be fucking disgusting. You understand me?"

It's not so fun when the shoe is on the other foot, IS IT, MICHAEL?

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Did Nancy Pelosi do something to give Donald Trump the mistaken impression he has leverage here? We don't remember her doing anything like that!

Trump sent Pelosi a letter this morning to say that, despite how she told him to stay the fuck out of her House because of his government shutdown, he would still be coming to the House on January 29 to deliver his State of the Union address. And for some weird-ass reason, Trump and his advisers in the White House actually thought she would back down. It's both hilarious and alarming that Trump and his people are that stupid, isn't it?

Anyway, Pelosi took the dare. She took the dare. Was there anybody besides those dumb fucking idiots in the White House who thought she wouldn't take the dare?

Pelosi sent a letter right back to Trump to kindly explain to him that no means "go fuck yourself," and that if he'd like her to stick her foot further up his ass and kick it around a bunch, he's welcome to test her some more:

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