Donate

We do not know who told Donald Trump that "Wheels are old and we still use wheels, therefore walls are also old and GIVE ME WALL!" was a good argument that would be taken seriously by sentient human beings. We prefer to think it was somebody in the White House who secretly haaaaaaaaate him and just likes to play games to see what kind of dumb shit they can get the president to say. The alternative is that it was Stephen Miller or Vladimir Putin.

But Trump really really really really really really thinks his "wheel" analogy is so cool, and that when he says it, he totally sticks it to the libs. Know who uses wheels on their cars? Libs. Know who lives inside houses that have walls? Libs named Barack Hussein Gay-Bama and Mean Nancy. Trump has been saying this "wheel" thing repeatedly for months now. He tweets it.

THE WHEELS ON THE BUS GO 'ROUND AND 'ROUND! 'ROUND AND 'ROUND! 'ROUND AND 'ROUND! THE WHEELS ON THE BUS GO 'ROUND AND 'ROUND TILL THEY CRASH INTO WALL!

Anyway, he did it again.


After suffering what appeared to be a full blown brain aneurysm on camera while talking to reporters at this morning's press gaggle, Trump flew to the border to talk about WALL. We are very shocked he was able to enter the region safely, considering how there is a NATIONAL EMERGY there and no one comes out alive. But he's there, and may God bless him and keep him as he travels through the valley of the shadow of death, even though that valley does not have WALL.

Here's what President Shithole said, to the amusement of himself and the worshipful human skidmarks in attendance:


A wheel is older than a wall. And I looked, and every single car out there, even the really expensive ones that the Secret Service uses, and believe me they are expensive, I said, 'Do they all have wheels?' 'Yes.' 'Oh. I thought it was medieval. [...]

There are some things that work. A wheel works, and a wall works!

AND IF CAR GETS TO HAVE WHEEL, TRUMP GETS TO HAVE WALL.

Of course, #FactCheck, wheels are not older than walls. We could get into a history lesson, or we could just continue assuming that our average reader is not mindfuckingly stupid.

Instead, we want you to imagine you are a fly on the wall, listening to Donald Trump asking somebody if all the Secret Service vehicles have wheels. Imagine he is asking with a straight face. Envision how clever he thinks he's being. Did you, the fly on the wall, just hurl yourself to a smashy death on the floor? Yes you did, because you, the fly on the wall, could not even. On your organ donor card for flies on walls, you donated your three fly brain cells to the president of the United States, because you are after all a Christian fly, and Jesus said you're supposed to help the less fortunate.

Trump did his typical disgusting blood libel shit at the border, just like he always does, just like he did this morning, saying "nobody talks about" how thousands, probably tens of thousands, maybe even millions of gabillions of people every day are murdered by immigrants. This time, though, he did the special thing where he invited family members of people murdered by immigrants to share their stories, so that Bubba and Betty Kay Goatrapist watching Fox News at home in eastern Tennessee with their #MAGA hats hanging off their various no-no bits might be strengthened in their racist belief that all immigrants with skin darker than theirs are like that. Of course, undocumented immigrants commit far fewer violent crimes than natural-born Murricans do, but when have facts ever been relevant in Trump's life, or for Bubba and Betty Kay, who just shit the couch they got so skeered of what the president of the USA was sayin' on the TV!

Trump made up stories about women in bondage at the border, and let's just say he seemed li'l bit too excited when he talked about it. Anyway, these are Trump's imaginary Mexican rapists, we guess.

And we don't know what else happened at the border, because there is no reason for us to give any more attention to Trashbag Hitler's little escapade to the border to scare up hate and fear against innocent people, most of whom are, themselves, running from violence and murder in their own countries, willing to risk a trip to Trump's America for the hope of better lives.

So fuck him and whatever other words he said.

Have an OPEN THREAD. It's time for that.

Follow Evan Hurst on Twitter RIGHT HERE, DO IT RIGHT HERE!

Wonkette is ad-free and funded ONLY by YOU, our dear readers. Click below to donate so Wonkette can live forever!

How often would you like to donate?

Select an amount (USD)

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

$
Donate with CC

Hooray, it's time for yet another dispatch from Fox News's big fun week of failure. (No, we mean even more failure than usual.) While all of Twitter is being annoying and talking incessantly about nothing but Bran and Daenerys and Carl and Peg or whoever they are, we have been (ignoring it and) focusing on all Fox's sadness, starting with Pete Buttigieg's town hall, where he called Fox News a piece of shit to its face. Then we laughed and laughed at Fox News idiot Pete Hegseth, who is sending lots of begging to today's college graduates, that they might immediately get dropped on their heads and forget all their education, so they might grow up to be the Fox News viewers of the future.

Oh, and we haven't even had a chance to LOL at the epic hilarity of Steve Doocy trying to do man-on-the-street interviews in Midtown Manhattan, shoving the mic into the faces of New Yorkers who literally don't care if he goes and plays in traffic. That was fun!

But the point of this post is that we have finally learned what makes at least some Fox News viewers tick, and it is that Tucker Carlson "laughs like a girl." That is not us saying that, that is a Fox News fan lady telling the Washington Post's Erik Wemple why she loves Tucker Carlson so much.

Keep reading... Show less
$
Donate with CC

Old White Guys Try To Explain Abortion

Throwing the baby out with the bathwater. It's your Sunday show rundown!

popular

Michael is out, so I'm taking over your Sunday Show Rundown. This week everyone was talking about those awful abortion laws worming their way through state legislatures. As usual, most of the men were tripping on their dicks while trying to talk about vag. Luckily, there's enough women around to ladysplain things.

Bernie Sanders went on Meet the Press for the first time in FOREVER and played his greatest hits for all the kids. Sanders criticized Joe Biden's environmental policy (which is literally just "beat Trump"), stating that it wasn't "good enough." Sanders is right! (NO FIGHTING.)

SANDERS: Beating Trump is not good enough. You have to beat the fossil fuel industry, you have to take on all the forces of the status quo who do not want to move this country to energy efficiency and sustainable energy.

But then Chuck Todd asked Bernie a loaded question about women getting "sex-selective" abortions and the whole interview went off the rails. Bernie struggled to answer the dumbass question and came across looking stupid despite having spent the better part of the last week in Alabama railing against abortion bans.

Keep reading... Show less
$
Donate with CC
Donate

How often would you like to donate?

Select an amount (USD)

Newsletter

©2018 by Commie Girl Industries, Inc