President Grand Dragon Confesses To Criminal Negligence Before Practically Tens Of People
Saturday night, Donald Trump was tricked by teenagers into believing people liked him. Reportedly, kids across the nation registered for the president's Klan bake and ghosted him so he'd look silly. It was like that scene in the V.C. Andrews novel Seeds of Yesterday when no one comes to the rich fundamentalist creep's birthday, except you almost felt sorry for that guy.
TikTok users and K-pop fans might've inflated expectations but they didn't prevent Trump's actual dumbass supporters from showing up. There was no cap on tickets, and the Trump campaign spent most of last week bragging about the expected
1,000-year-reign of Cobra turnout.
Compilation of people bragging about a million people signing up for the rally https://t.co/X9EHPSvv8Z— Acyn Torabi (@Acyn Torabi)1592711013.0
A social media super genius like Brad Parscale should've found it suspicious that the rally was breaking sign-up records during a pandemic. Actual attendance was flaccid with turnout estimated at just under 6,200 COVID-19-curious fans. Parscale blamed “radical protesters" and “apocalyptic media coverage" for scaring away Trump's devoted fanbase. On the plus side, all those rows and rows of empty seats means the rally is far less likely to become a coronavirus super spreader event, but if I were Brad Parscale, I'd avoid any cannoli-related errands in the near future.
Leave the gun Take the cannoli www.youtube.com
Trump entered the mostly empty arena to Tom Petty's “I Won't Back Down," and Petty's estate immediately issued a cease and desist. Petty wasn't a racist and advocated for marginalized people. Trump is just going to have to stick with Ted Nugent's greatest hit or James Woods Sings The Cole Porter Song Book.
The president didn't update his pre-coronavirus Vaudeville schtick. He brought up Hillary Clinton and the crowd didn't bother chanting “lock her up" because even they've finally realized she's not running for anything. The audience loudly booed Nancy Pelosi, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, Ilhan Omar and ... Neil Gorsuch, who Trump nominated to the Supreme Court. However, his attacks didn't land against Uncle Joe Biden. The crowd wouldn't boo him, and that's a problem because Trump isn't running for re-election against ice-cream-loving women, minority women, or conservative Supreme Court Justices.
Actually you just got ROCKED by teens on TikTok who flooded the Trump campaign w/ fake ticket reservations & tricke… https://t.co/FNq1MoOIUI— Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (@Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez)1592699220.0
Trump held his white supremacist jamboree in Tulsa, Oklahoma, the site of the worst act of racial terror in US history. It was originally scheduled for June 19 or Juneteenth, which commemorates the end of slavery. It's not a given that a Trump rally crowd would boo “slavery." Despite White House press secretary Kayleigh McEnany's intelligence-insulting claim that the “African American community is very near and dear" to his shriveled heart, Trump didn't mention George Floyd, Ahmaud Arbery, or Rayshard Brooks. He only acknowledged the ongoing Black Lives Matter demonstrations against protesters when he bragged about siccing the National Guard on peaceful protesters so he could have a photo op with Ivanka's designer imposter Bible.
He whined that the “unhinged left" was “demolishing our heritage" by removing Confederate monuments, which he thinks are very “beautiful." He claimed that Omar, a sitting congresswoman and American citizen, was trying to make “our country" like where “she came from." Trump could've defended white supremacist traitors and slandered black women at Mar-a-Lago on Jefferson Davis's birthday. As Swamp Thing famously said, don't "bring your evil here."
We all know Trump ain't shit, but Omar's father died from COVID-19 last fucking week. This is her first Father's Day without him. Elizabeth Warren and Maxine Waters have also lost loved ones to this disease. Biden would've acknowledged the personal loss of even his fiercest Republican political opponents. Instead, Trump gave the killer of 120,000 Americans the racist nickname “kung flu" and confessed to more high crimes when he “joked" that he told his “people, slow the testing down, please."
Today would be a good day for the president to announce a comprehensive national testing plan. https://t.co/jVk6sKhxL8— Rep. Val Demings (@Rep. Val Demings)1592700277.0
David Frost asked Richard Nixon why he didn't burn the tapes. If Frost were still alive, he might ask Trump why he didn't keep his damn mouth shut at a campaign rally. Sure, there are fewer people there than turned out for the opening weekend of last year's Charlie's Angels, but everyone is going to see this clip. The Lincoln Project is probably already cutting the ad.
The president's handlers claim he was just “joking" about the deaths of 120,000 people, which is something you do when you're a stone-cold sociopath. Trump is scum, and he's so stupid and vain that people have died needlessly. The joke isn't funny anymore. I'm not interested in why idiots support this monster. I just want to end his infestation of the White House.
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Stephen Robinson is a writer and social kibbitzer based in Portland, Oregon. He's on the board of the Portland Playhouse theater and writes for the immersive theater Cafe Nordo in Seattle. Tickets are on sale now for his latest Nordo collaboration, "Curiouser and Curiouser," an adaptation of "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" and "Through the Looking Glass." It promises to feel like an actual evening with SER (for good or for ill).