President Great Words Will Write Very Own SOTU Address Without Parents' Help

Trump

The New York Times has an article out today about the brave men and women mostly men whose job it is to put somewhat coherent words into Donald Trump's mouth when he speaks publicly. The (impeached) president is set to deliver his third and preferably final State of the Union address Tuesday night to a stunned nation. The theme is the "Great American Comeback," but don't call it a comeback! He's gonna be here another four years, because it's in the "national interest" for him to rig the hell out of the upcoming election.

Vince Haley and Ross Worthington are described as "little-known aides" who'll "assemble" Trump's address from the robbed graves of abnormal ideas. Haley and Worthington will humbly give the president "all the credit" for his speech (if that was their plan, they shouldn't have spoken with the New York Times). Trump play-acts as president every day, but the State of the Union is when you're forced to watch someone's dumb child perform "I'm a Little Teapot." How adorable! That kid's going places!


Trump believes he's his "own best communicator," and White House spokesman Hogan Gidley enables that delusion with this statement about the glorious leader.

The president is a best-selling author and deeply gifted orator who packs arenas and has a meticulous and carefully honed method for writing his speeches, whether it be at a rally, a manufacturing plant opening or the State of the Union. What the American people hear is 100 percent President Trump's own words.

media.giphy.com

Of all existing words in the English language, "meticulous" is the last one I'd use to describe anything related to Donald Trump. Writing the mad emperor's speeches is best done anonymously and right after he's been measured for invisible clothing. Newt Gingrich claims his former employees, Haley and Worthington, are "better off" if no one knows their connection to the president. That's probably true. I'm sure Melania Trump agrees.

Haley and Worthington currently work for Stephen Miller, Trump's senior white supremacist. They reportedly add "historical sweep," along with some "eye of newt and toe of frog" from Miller's personal stash. Policy advisers and Cabinet officials submit "their top-line achievements and talking points for review." You can't expect Trump himself to keep track of what his administration actually did all year. He only monitors his own petty grievances and personal feuds on Twitter. The president, however, is an active participant in this process.

For months Mr. Trump also passed along scraps of paper scribbled with sentences or themes he wanted included in the speech, and had those forwarded to his writers.

"Scraps of paper," y'all. The president can't even bother to dictate a single page double-spaced that just repeats the sentence "Make me sound like a mammal." That's harder than it looks. Trump let former chief strategist (and yet another white supremacist) Stephen Bannon near his speeches, and they were all "fire and brimstone." You'll recall Trump's bizarre inauguration speech when he condemned "American carnage." At least someone should've sounded upbeat on the day Trump was sworn in as president.

Worthington, who is 31, resents liberals with the experience of a white man twice his age. He whined about how mean we all were in a 2014 column for the Federalist.

And it turns out that for ideas the privilege police don't like, we can never check our privilege enough. We'll never express the thoughts in a way that no longer merits ad hominem appeals to our race, gender, or economic status. Don't even try.

"Don't Even Try" is an apt rallying cry for modern conservatism.

Trump is expected to stick to message Tuesday and "compartmentalize" his anger over impeachment. That's just laughable. Nancy Pelosi is standing right behind him. Adam Schiff is also in the same room. If Trump possessed that degree of self-control, he wouldn't have been impeached in the first place.

Haley and Worthington can script the part of a staid, conservative champion, but America screwed up on the casting.

[The New York Times]

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Stephen Robinson

Stephen Robinson is a writer and social kibbitzer based in Portland, Oregon. He's on the board of the Portland Playhouse theater and writes for the immersive theater Cafe Nordo in Seattle. Tickets are on sale now for his latest Nordo collaboration, "Curiouser and Curiouser," an adaptation of "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" and "Through the Looking Glass." It promises to feel like an actual evening with SER (for good or for ill).

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