President Gross-Mouth Gonna Tell You Some Racist Bullshit About Barack Obama, Surprise!
There's yet another entry coming in what feels like an ongoing series of books about the dysfunction in Donald Trump's White House. The latest one is Team of Vipers from former communications aide Cliff Sims. There aren't many revelations that shine any new light on Trump's total absence of character: He berates Paul Ryan for not surrendering to him every last drop of his Ayn Rand-tainted soul. He storms out of meetings like a brat when he doesn't get his way. He even keeps an "enemies list" and is historically illiterate enough to not call it something else (a "not-friends" list, maybe?).
Team of Vipers is set for release on Tuesday, and what stands out so far are the descriptions of Trump walking around 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue like he owns the place, which given his track record means it'll be in foreclosure within the year. You don't have to possess George Washington's patriotism to find Trump's very presence in the White House disturbing and wrong. It's the point in the story where the diabolical mastermind has taken control of the hero's home base. Trump is loose in the Batcave, touching stuff, and all seems lost.
"Most people want to keep parts of the White House private for their families and themselves," presidential historian Douglas Brinkley said of previous presidents. "He's very restless and doesn't like desk work. He'd rather roam around and B.S. with people than hunker down."
He's a lazy sack of shit. We know. Trump really enjoys showing off his Russian spoils to guests of the Oval Office. He brags about having "improved it" with gaudy crap. Now, you'd think even a racist could manage to give a simple tour of their home without being racist. You'd be wrong.
The president has also claimed to guests, without evidence, that his private dining room off the Oval Office was in "rough shape" and had a hole in the wall when he came into the West Wing and that President Barack Obama used it to watch sports, according to two White House officials and two other people who have heard him discuss the dining room. "He just sat in here and watched basketball all day," Trump told a recent group, before saying he upgraded Obama's smaller TV to a sprawling, flat-screen one, the four people said.
Jesus, it's like Birth of a Nation is playing non-stop at the racist bijou in Trump's head: "Obama did nothing but eat fried chicken while putting his stinky bare feet up on the furniture." Trump's racist fantasy simultaneously argues that Obama was so shiftless he just sat around watching ESPN for eight years but was content with a tiny 13-inch Sony with fuzzy rabbit ears reception. Trump had to go bigger, of course, so he could appreciate Sean Hannity in his full HD glory. (In case you really needed to know, an Obama White House official has declared Trump's bigoted claims total bullshit.)
This is how White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders lied about Trump's impromptu tours: "The president is proud of the White House and its rich history." In reality, Trump's approach to this "rich history" is to snicker like the dumber half of Beavis and Butt-Head (you pick) while rehashing the sexual exploits of former Oval Office occupants. Last year, Trump said to a TV anchor, "I'm told this is where Bill and Monica..." This is tacky and dumb because we can safely presume presidents have had some form of sex in the White House during the years they spent there (if not, this explains a lot of the dumber wars). Even Ronald Reagan probably got lucky once or twice. "Just Say No" was not a sweeping philosophy from Nancy.
We get that Trump, who's inhuman, delights in bringing up the subject of his political opponent's very personal betrayal and humiliation. He reportedly has joked about President Clinton and the former White House intern (a private citizen) with multiple people he's taken on a tour. He laughs and "makes facial expressions" because he's a monster. Aides claim this leads to "lengthy, sometimes crass conversations."
When not creating a hostile work environment, Trump likes to take members of Congress after dinner to the Lincoln Bedroom. It's not an orgy or anything. He just like to point out how small the bed is for so tall a president.
"I don't know how he slept there," Trump said on one tour in early 2018, according to a person on the tour. "He was a really tall guy!"
According to the White House Museum, Lincoln probably never slept in that bed. If Trump insists on giving repulsive tours of the White House, they should at least be well-researched.
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Stephen Robinson is a writer and social kibbitzer based in Portland, Oregon. He's on the board of the Portland Playhouse theater and writes for the immersive theater Cafe Nordo in Seattle. Tickets are on sale now for his latest Nordo collaboration, "Curiouser and Curiouser," an adaptation of "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" and "Through the Looking Glass." It promises to feel like an actual evening with SER (for good or for ill).