President #NeverMoist Got His Ass Chapped About SOMETHIN' Today. Wonder What!

Yesterday was a national holiday, which means President Lazy Ass spent the whole entire morning in his boudoir, grunting around under the covers with his phone and refusing to answer the door when mean John Kelly tried to knock and make him GO TO WORK, DAMMIT. On top of his normal morning stuff -- cacophonous waterbed farts, "Fox & Friends" and narcissism -- he decided it was time to desperately try to rewrite the narrative, already set in stone, that he is a piece of shit who embarrassed America on his trip to Paris; who cried like a baby because none of the parades in France were personally for him; who made up lies about how he couldn't go visit the graves of 50,000 Americans who died in war because of how his helicopter couldn't possibly fly in France's "partly cloudy with a chance of moist" conditions LAND HURRICANES; and who, upon arrival back in the United States, couldn't be bothered to travel two miles to lay a wreath at Arlington National Cemetery on VETERANS DAY, because, again, he couldn't deal with getting his hair wet in the it wasn't actually raining LAND HURRICANES, which apparently followed him back from France.

Maybe he has rabies and can't even risk touching water, we don't know.

Anyway, let's look at today's TwitShow ShitShow from the man who never quite did become the leader of the free world:

Wonder which aide whispered in Trump's ear that Germany used to be bad. Oh well, guess we don't even care enough to wildly speculate. We're sure, though, that Europeans will be swayed by Trump's appeal to the former enmity between France and Germany.

Blah blah "I don't understand tariffs" blah blah "I don't understand wine even though I own a winery" blah blah blah STFU. But sure, Trump will right this wrong and give the residents of Beaujolais and Bordeaux the Yellowtail wines they've been craving this whole time, you betcha.

It's true, Macron has a low approval rating. The rest of this is utter projection, because know who else has a low approval rating? Donald Fucking Trump, who's back under 40 percent. Know who changes the subject to distract people from news that's bad for him? Donald Fucking Trump. Know who's probably feeling threatened by dashing Emmanuel Macron's 12-inch penis (we've heard, just kidding we're making shit up), compared to the little This Little Piggy Mario Kart business he's packin'?

We are just guessing.

Trump is still so mad that Macron made fun of him to his face this weekend and said nationalism is a betrayal of patriotism. In that moment, you could tell by looking at Trump's face that he was humiliated, and that people were laughing at him. He's still very obviously upset. And because he's fucking stupid, and great big dictionaries don't come with handles for little tiny hands, he still doesn't quite know what the word "nationalist" means. (He knows it makes his racists happy, though!) It's true that there is a disturbing far-right freakshow nationalist movement in France, just like there is in the US, but "nationalist" does not actually mean "proud."

But never let facts get in the way of a good syphilitic temper tantrum:

We see what the president did there.

Now, let's talk about how Trump can't get wet because when he gets wet he looks even more grotesque than he looks all the rest of the time, or maybe he has rabies:

Bullshit. James Fallows, who is a pilot and who worked in the White House, examined the weather conditions at the time and the protocols for when it's safe for Marine One to fly, and found that Donald Trump is

Or, you know, just lying, like he always does.

We should also point out that in the original version of this tweet, the second time Trump wrote "cemetery" he spelled it

Trump had an intelligence briefing scheduled for 11:30 AM ET today. So it stands to reason that he was still in the residence mid-shit at 11:32 AM ET whining about Florida ballot-counting procedures his brain is too decayed to understand:

And then he tweeted something about North Korea, but it's not important.

Anyway, wonder what Trump's ass is so chapped about right now. Did he get some bad news? Maybe some bad Mueller news like we predicted? Is Junior finally going to prison forever? Because VERY OFTEN when Trump loses his mind like this for hours at a time, it means he got bad news.

Other times, it just means it's Tuesday.

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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