President Obama Thanks Donald Trump And Ted Cruz For Being Stupid Jackholes

He's gossiping with Beyonce about how Ted Cruz and Donald Trump are idiots probably.

[wonkbar]<a href=""></a>[/wonkbar]Your president is out there making LOL sounds again. Just this week, he was saying OMG you guys have you even SEEN this fool Donald Trump, who thinks he's going to make the Messicans pay for a border wall with the money they send to their families, and who thinks it's a good idea to give nukes to MORE COUNTRIES? He called Trump's ideas "half-baked" and was all "Good luck with that!"

In response, Trump farted out the saddest I Know You Are But What Am I. It was so puny and un-terrific it didn't even merit a Wonkette post.

Now Obama's at it again:

"I recognize that there is a deep obsession right now about Mr. Trump. And one of you pulled me aside and squeezed me hard and said, 'Tell me ... that Mr. Trump is not succeeding you!' And I said, 'Mr. Trump's not succeeding me,'" the president said Thursday.

And then he giggled so hard he drooled on his mom jeans. That's how hilariously confident he is that Donald Trump will go down as the World's Most Famous Loser of the 2016 election.

He was not finished though! Know who else is dumb and stupid? Ted Cruz, the Canadian guy everybody hates, and whose penis is shaped like the sad half of a wishbone after a dog eated it, ALLEGEDLY.

But instead of just pointing and laughing, Obama decided to thank them, for being fucking dumpster fires:

"Mr. Trump has actually done a service as Mr. Cruz is doing a service and that is laying bare, unvarnished some of the nonsense that we have been dealing with in Congress on a daily basis. People act as if these folks are outliers but they are not!” the president said. “We should thank Mr. Trump and Mr. Cruz for just being honest that this is how we're thinking these days, or not thinking these days."

Goddamn, we love Don't Give No Fucks Obama. Whether he's in Argentina, getting his sexxxy tango on, flirting with Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau RIGHT IN FRONT OF BOTH THEIR WIVES ...

Oops got distracted, what were we saying?

[wonkbar]<a href=""></a>[/wonkbar]Oh yes, Obama Don't Give No Fucks. This is just yet another example of the president checking out every Republican politician alive on Tinder and swiping left as fast as he goddamn can. He's said he knows Americans aren't dumb enough to elect a Republican president. He's made fun of Republicans TO THEIR FACES over what pussies they are about Syrian toddler refugee children.

[wonkbar]<a href=""></a>[/wonkbar]He's actually sliced their whole dicks off by saying the current slate of Republicans is so terrible, he almost wishes they'd act more like President Gee Dubya War Criminal Pretzel-Choker Who Moves His Lips When He Reads The Pet Goat Bush.

And now here he is, straight up thanking the two leading GOP presidential candidates for being bile-spewing, horse-romancing dumb dumbs. We love you more and more every single day, Mr. President Sexxxy Obama, XOXOXOXOXO.


Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.


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