The truth is much uglier than the SNL version.

Donald Trump had a fun holiday weekend. After spending approximately 11 minutes mugging for the camera and giving thumbs up to Florida high school shooting survivors, he retired to Mar-a-Lago, whereupon he threw on his favorite nightgown, got under the covers, and spent what appears to be 48 solid hours tweeting about any old thing that came to his mind.

For one thing, he is VERY EXCITED about Friday's indictments from Robert Mueller, because they 100 percent vindicated Trump and said NO COLLUSION, NO COLLUSION, HILLARY IS THE REAL COLLUSION. Of course, they said nothing of the sort, and Deputy Attorney General Rod Rosenstein went to great lengths to say these particular indictments don't allege any wrongdoing by the president or his campaign, but they 100 percent say this was a Russian operation to swing the election for Trump. Rosenstein didn't mention all the Mueller indictments that haven't happened yet.

But no matter! Trump is innocent! He especially liked it when Some Other Idiot validated his own thin-skinned thoughts and feelings:

Another aspect of the indictments that somehow clears President Raccoon Brain of all guilt is that the Russian troll farm that was indicted by Mueller was formed in 2014, which is BEFORE HE DECIDED TO RUN FOR PRESIDENT. How can Russia work to tip an election for a presidential candidate who WASN'T EVEN BORNED YET, HUH? HUH?

Look at all those likes and retweets. It's like Trump fans are shouting from the rooftops, "I am 70 IQ, and so can you!"

Somehow Trump found the Twitter account of Rob Goldman, vice president of ads at Facebook, who believes the majority of Russian ads bought on Facebook by Russia weren't meant to swing the election, but to sow general political chaos. Fair enough. Of course, the Mueller indictments from Friday are about WAY MORE THAN ADS, but fine, Trump, if these tweets get your dick hard, far be it from us to interrupt your Happy Time:

He tweets like a grandmother cutting out articles and mailing them to her grandchildren with very specific lines highlighted, you know, to make sure you see them.

Lest you think Trump spent the entire weekend focused on the indictments, there were other tweets too. Like these, about how the Florida shooting was the Democrats' fault and the FBI's fault, because the FBI won't stop investigating the Russian hoax, which is crazy because NO COLLUSION, NO COLLUSION, EVERYBODY AGREES that the senile shithole's brain has completed a full revolution, and he is back to saying "NO COLLUSION" again:

You'd think we would be on Sunday by now, but no, these are still Saturday tweets.

Trump was especially mad National Security Advisor H.R. McMaster acknowledged that it's undeniable Russia interfered in the election, especially after the Mueller indictments:

That's right, Donald, H.R. McMaster "forgot" to say those things. Those are definitely things H.R. McMaster "believes," because he's got a "good brain" just like Trump's. You bet.

Trump, we assume, spent the rest of Saturday night dreaming about a big great white shark with the face of Robert Mueller, then awakened Sunday morning angry about an old conspiracy theory about Barack Obama:

Didn't happen, moron. You motherfucking moron.

Schiff didn't say that. Also, when Trump used liddle', with that stray apostrophe, to describe Bob Corker, we assumed he was having a stroke. Guess he's just fucking stupid, because there it is again!

Has Donald Trump mentioned NO COLLUSION lately? He should probably mention NO COLLUSION:

For the record, Trump went exactly eight hours between "no collusion" tweets, most of it while he was sleeping. That's how long his goldfish brain cycle is, after which point everything is brand new again, the world is fascinating, and there is no collusion, no collusion.

Now that Adam Schiff is saying something Adam Schiff is actually not saying, could you all please scratch the president's balls and tell him he's pretty?

We'll take a hard pass on that one, asshole.

Donald Trump has figured out what Russia is up to with its election meddling, and golly, it makes YOU look stupid:

We absolutely agree that they are "laughing their asses off in Moscow." At their loser intelligence asset Donald Trump.

Trump's next tweet was a retweet of a HILARIOUS cartoon of Wolf Blitzer on Fake News CNN in 2038 still trying to find the Trump-Russia collusion. We'd share it with you, but the account he retweeted has been suspended for some reason. Maybe the president of the United States retweeted a Russian bot or something.

Moving forward:

Actually, McLaughlin's polling doesn't say that, but good job trying to sound out some words and tweet them for your followers, Mr. President! You'll get something right one of these days.

We're getting close to the end, so time for quick hits. KEN STARR GOOD! ROBERT MUELLER BAD!

NASCAR GOOD! US OLYMPIC TEAM BAD, we guess, because he hasn't had fuck-all to say about them:


Yeah, we're sure Oprah was "very insecure" as she interviewed voters in Michigan, because Oprah is always "very insecure" when she interviews people. TYPICAL OPRAH. But let the record show, Trump switched it off Fox News for a few minutes on Sunday, so he could watch some Oprah.

And that was the end of Sunday. He's tweeted once this morning:

It's George Washington's birthday. Does Trump even know what Presidents Day is?

But sure, we will be reflective, and remember to #NeverForget how George Washington died for our sins in Vietnam or whatever we are commemorating today, Donald Trump clearly has no fucking clue what it is.

Good tweeting, Donald! You betcha! All the gold medals!

This is our reality now, in America.

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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