Donald Trump is a grumpy boy today. He stayed up very late last night doing a very low-energy rally in Grand Rapids, Michigan, where he called a Trump-supporting rapper named Lil Pump "Lil Pimp," because he is an idiot who is also very tired and broken-brained.

Then he had to tweet a video at 2:30 a.m. of himself "dancing" to the YMCA song for two solid minutes. No, we don't know why.

So when Trump waddle-rolled out of bed to call in to "Fox & Friends," it was to be expected that he sounded dejected and sad and SOOOOOOOO SWEEPY like an old bloated talking loser corpse.

Listen to Trump VERY SWEEPY 'SPLAIN that he is (zzzzzzzz) going to win and (zzzzzzzzz) don't worry, he's going to declare victory "only when there's victory" because (zzzzzzzz) there's "no reason to play games."

He is too VERY SWEEPY to play games, you see. (He will play games. Unless America landslides him so hard he's utterly humiliated, in which case he'll probably slink away to Russia in shame.)

Trump said he thinks he has a really good chance of winning, firstly because he thinks all the polls (all of them, we guess) are "suppression polls," and also because of "the tremendous crowd size." As Barack Obama explained yesterday, Trump may still be fixated on crowd sizes maybe because there were very small crowd sizes at his childhood birthday parties.

Here is the Ainsley Earhardt "Fox & Friends" idiot telling Trump how much she likes it that he says "I love you too" when somebody says "I love you" to him (???). After that, Trump said presidenting is hard because of "Shifty Schiff" and (zzzzzzzzz) "Crazy Nancy" and "Cryin' Chuck Schumer," who are very "mean" to him (zzzzzzzzzzz).

Here is Brian Kilmeade telling Trump how mean Barack Obama has been to him, to which Trump responded (zzzzzzz) by whining that Fox News plays Obama's speeches too much. Kilmeade defended Fox, saying Fox reports BOTH SIDES and that's why they play Obama's speeches. "Well in the old days they wouldn't put Sleepy Joe Biden on every time he opened his mouth," Trump grumbled, sadly. His point was that Fox News is just not very nice to him anymore.

He sure does sound like a guy who's going to win a presidential election today!

Finally, Trump complained (zzzzzzzz) that the hardest country in the whole wide world to deal with "by far, is the US." He said people ask him, "Is it Russia, is it China, is it North Korea, sir, is it North Korea?" (You know this story is a lie because Trump said somebody called him "sir.") Is he kidding about that? Trump said he is "probably not kidding."

And why is America so bad, President Sleepyhead?

TRUMP: We have very, very deceptive people. We have some people that, you know, I think they have, I think they're sick, in some ways, like an Adam Schiff, I think Adam Schiff is a sick person.

We are not sure, but we think Trump is closing his campaign by saying America sucks harder than Russia, China, and North Korea, because he doesn't like democracies.

Trump also said that if Kamala Harris became the first woman president of America, it would be a "very terrible thing for women." You betcha.

If you go vote today, in 78 days we will never have to write about another fucking Trump "Fox & Friends" therapy session ever again.

Do it for America.

Do it for Wonkette.

First results in just under eight hours.

[videos via Aaron Rupar]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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