President Ted Cruz To Pardon That Planned Parenthood Video Guy First Thing, For Justice

2016 Presidential Election
President Ted Cruz To Pardon That Planned Parenthood Video Guy First Thing, For Justice

who would ted pardon?

Have you been wondering who Mr. Ted "I love the rule of law so much I take it to bed at night and spoon it just like I would the corpse of Antonin Scalia" Cruz would pardon if he got into office? Probably not, likely because "list of potential pardons" is not usually how people decide which presidential candidate to vote for, we think? We hope? Also, we sorta thought Cruz had bigger things to worry about right now since he's trailing Trump by an almost comical amount. But our Teddy has been thinking really hard about who he would dispense justice and mercy to, and haha of course it is a nutbag anti-choice activist with only a passing familiarity with the concepts of legality or truth.

During a town hall with Fox News' Megyn Kelly on Wednesday night, Sen. Ted Cruz said he would pardon David Daleiden, one of the activists who faces a felony charge after creating "sting" videos about Planned Parenthood.

An audience member asked the Texas senator if he would pardon Daleiden if his case became a federal one.

"The answer is yes," Cruz responded.

You know, Ted, normal people just answer a question with "yes" or "no" or some variation thereof. They don't need to actually tell people they're about to tell them the answer, as you did there, unless they're a fatuous dickbag. Oh, but wait! You ARE a fatuous dickbag, so it's totally fine. We were going to ask if anyone wanted to throw down a bet as to whether Cruz placed that person in the audience just so he could smugly answer the question, but then we remembered it was a Fox News town hall, so the audience was probably littered with people thinking this was the Great Justice Question Of Our Age.

Cruz also took the time to helpfully remind those of us that are not fatuous dickbags or anti-choice nutballs why elections really really fucking matter.

"I’ve pledged, if I’m elected president, on the very first day in office, I intend to instruct the U.S. Department of Justice to open an investigation into Planned Parenthood and to prosecute any and all criminal conduct by that organization," he said. "It appears Planned Parenthood is a national criminal enterprise committing multiple felonies."

[contextly_sidebar id="V2OgrrImIOvYJe5FxjyjJctD0bmd3L8j"]Setting aside the fact that every entity that has investigated Planned Parenthood has come up empty-handed, probably because Planned Parenthood is not actually gently searing babies on the grill out back for a quick afternoon snack as Cruz's fevered imagination suggests, just let yourself imagine, for a moment, what a Ted Cruz DOJ would look like: it would look like ... Ted Cruz. Jesus Christ, now we've scared ourselves off the internet the rest of the day.



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