President Trump Will Get His WALL If He Has To Break Every Bone In Mick Mulvaney's Body

OH, NOES! Did Donald Trump utter a scandalous cuss? However shall the republic continue when our elected leaders do befoul our precious civil discourse with vile profanities? We beseech you, good sirs, to think of the children!

On January 4, President Arty McDeals met with congressional leaders to bluster uselessly about the federal shutdown, then in its 14th day. Lest anyone think he'd come to negotiate, Trump's promise to keep the government closed for "months or even years" should have tipped off his staff -- it was just another round of brinkmanship from a guy who got where he is by always being the craziest liar in the room.

Acting Chief of Staff Mick Mulvaney provided the perfect foil when he suggested a compromise to fund WALL at some number between the president's $5.7 billion demand, and the Democrat's initial offer of $1.3 billion. Axios reports:

"Trump cut him off ... 'You just fucked it all up, Mick,'" the source recalled Trump saying. "It was kind of weird."

Another source who was in the room confirmed the account. That source said their impression was that Trump was irritated at Mulvaney's negotiating style. "As a negotiator, Trump was resetting," the source said. "Mick was not reading the room or the president."

After Motherfuckergate, we anticipate at least five thousand hours of breathless news coverage, including serious discussion of congressional censure for President Pottymouth.

Oh, but we are silly today! That's for brown ladies what don't know their place. Also, too, IOKIYAR.

Having established dominance by kicking his own consigliere in the jimmies, Trump "reset" the dialogue by announcing his intention to keep 800,000 workers furloughed forever. He's going to hold his breath until the country turns blue, SO THERE.

With polls showing Americans hold Trump responsible for the shutdown -- he did, after all, say he was proud to slap his stupid name on it -- Republicans are getting desperate for an off-ramp. Senators Collins, Murkowski, and Gardner are begging Trump to reopen the rest of the government, and dick around over WALL later. And Trump's BFF Lindsey Graham has even sweetened the pot by promising Trump he can have his State of Emergency Funtimes in February if he will just please, for the love of God, open the government now. Yesterday he addressed the president through Fox, saying:

Before he pulls the plug on the legislative option, and I think we are almost there, I would urge them to open up the government for a short period of time, like three weeks before he pulls the plug, see if we can get a deal. If we can't at the end of three weeks, all bets are off, see if he can do it by himself through the emergency powers. That's my recommendation.

Never fear, Senator! The White House Brain Trust has come up with A PLAN to outflank that wily Nancy Pelosi. What if Donald Trump uses his manly charm and animal magnetism to get Connor Lamb and Abigail Spanberger to give him WALL? Axios got the scoop again:

Senior administration officials have discussed inviting rank-and-file Democrats to the White House, hoping they may be willing to negotiate over funding for a barrier, according to two sources privy to the private discussions. They're planning to target freshman Democratic House members from districts Trump won in 2016.

It's so crazy, it just might work!

Hahahahaha, no it won't. First of all, candidates who ran as the anti-Trump aren't about to cross the aisle to cut the legs out from under their own caucus, particularly when Democrats are winning the public relations battle. And second, that's not how any of this works! Nancy Pelosi isn't about to bring a WALL budget to the floor just because a couple of Democrats get weak in the knees. Unlike Paul Ryan, Madame Speaker knows how to whip her own caucus.

But by all means, Mister President, please proceed with that Democratic charm offensive. Add in the silverback dominance displays, and you've got an unbeatable negotiating strategy. Have you considered pissing on Pence's leg at the next congressional powwow?


[Axios / Fox / Axios, again]

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Liz Dye

Liz Dye lives in Baltimore with her wonderful husband and a houseful of teenagers. When she isn't being mad about a thing on the internet, she's hiding in plain sight in the carpool line. She's the one wearing yoga pants glaring at her phone.


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