Donald Trump was leaving the White House this morning on the way to, we dunno, probably spin class, and he decided to stop and share some of his very good brain thought words with reporters. It went as well as it usually does.

How are we feeling about Paul Manafort's hot wet sexxx massage from Judge T.S. Ellis in Virginia, Mr. President?


It's a ... collusion hunt! It's a ... it's a FAKE WITCH! It's a ... it's a ... THERE'S HAMBERDERS IN MY UNDERPANTS, BETTER GO EAT 'EM!

To understand what it might be like to live inside the word association syphilis ratatouille that is the president's brain, we plugged "collusion witch hoax" into our iPhone and let predictive text tell us a story:

Collusion witch hoax and the same time I was like yeah that's why the guy that is going in the house is so weird and he is so scared to tell me he's going over there right away and then I just told her that she is not a good mom or so she just told her she is not a feeling it was just gonna was the night I wanna hang in the morning and I just got back from a party I was gonna was the night and then I'll go to the store to see if you want me it just went out to the house to pick y'all stuff out of my car and stuff like I gotta ...


Anyway, as to what Trump said the judge said about NO COLLUSION, you will be shocked to learn that the judge didn't say that. All he said is that Manafort wasn't being sentenced on anything about Russian collusion. But as Aaron Rupar notes at Vox, that hasn't stopped Trump from jizz-tweeting in excitement that the judge had said that, either because President Words Good cannot understand words very good, or because he's a common liar (it's both):

As for Trump's belief that Manafort's thick-headed dumbass lawyer Kevin Downing also said NO COLLUSION, it's true that Downing very briefly appeared after the sentencing and, bizarrely, instead of thanking the judge for the surprise rimjob or anything like that, said his client did NO COLLUSION with any "government official" in Russia, a lawyered sentence if there ever was one. Considering that the two closest access points we know of that Manafort has to the Russian government are his spy buddy/business partner Konstantin Kilimnik, who is assessed to have ties to Russian intelligence, and his former boss Oleg Deripaska, an oligarch very close to Vladimir Putin, we wouldn't expect that Manafort did direct collusion with a "government official" from Russia. Everything we know about Russian fuckery for Trump is that Putin has directed it through cut-outs for the most part, not government officials.

Also, know how every time Trump says something, the opposite is true? "I am the smartest person" means ACTUALLY I AM THE STUPIDEST PERSON ALIVE. "I have no deals with Russia" means I AM LITERALLY DOING A DEAL WITH RUSSIA, SECRETLY, RIGHT NOW. "We're building the wall already!" means NO WALL, NO WALL, YOU ARE THE WALL. We just need to point out, for the umpteenth time, that every time you hear "No collusion!" you should treat it as an admission of guilt from the president, because he is a LIARFUCKINGLIAR.

Trump also briefly addressed everything that's going on with his former thug fixer golden boy Michael Cohen:

TRUMP: Bad lawyer. I had a bad lawyer. That happens.

Yes, Mr. President, it does seem to happen approximately 100 percent of the time for you! And why? Because you're a bad stupid client who lies to his lawyers and doesn't fucking pay his bills, therefore good lawyers won't work for you!

As usual, the president's id was on full display on Twitter, and he may have accidentally oopsie poopsie OH FIDDLESHITS admitted to discussing pardons with Michael Cohen and may have waived privilege on any conversations like that, even if he is lying, which he almost certainly is:

Remember, Trump is referring to that time when Cohen was still his BEST FRIEND who called him MIS-TURRRR TWUMP. And let's also remember that it is established that Trump is "Individual-1," and that "Individual-1" directed Cohen to commit crimes on his behalf, crimes Cohen is now going to prison for.

Anyway, sure Trump, go right ahead and assert attorney-client or executive privilege about conversations you just tweeted about, that's always a good plan.

Any final thoughts, President Word Salad Shooter?

Oh go shove a Big Mac up your ass.

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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Hooray, it's time for yet another dispatch from Fox News's big fun week of failure. (No, we mean even more failure than usual.) While all of Twitter is being annoying and talking incessantly about nothing but Bran and Daenerys and Carl and Peg or whoever they are, we have been (ignoring it and) focusing on all Fox's sadness, starting with Pete Buttigieg's town hall, where he called Fox News a piece of shit to its face. Then we laughed and laughed at Fox News idiot Pete Hegseth, who is sending lots of begging to today's college graduates, that they might immediately get dropped on their heads and forget all their education, so they might grow up to be the Fox News viewers of the future.

Oh, and we haven't even had a chance to LOL at the epic hilarity of Steve Doocy trying to do man-on-the-street interviews in Midtown Manhattan, shoving the mic into the faces of New Yorkers who literally don't care if he goes and plays in traffic. That was fun!

But the point of this post is that we have finally learned what makes at least some Fox News viewers tick, and it is that Tucker Carlson "laughs like a girl." That is not us saying that, that is a Fox News fan lady telling the Washington Post's Erik Wemple why she loves Tucker Carlson so much.

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Old White Guys Try To Explain Abortion

Throwing the baby out with the bathwater. It's your Sunday show rundown!


Michael is out, so I'm taking over your Sunday Show Rundown. This week everyone was talking about those awful abortion laws worming their way through state legislatures. As usual, most of the men were tripping on their dicks while trying to talk about vag. Luckily, there's enough women around to ladysplain things.

Bernie Sanders went on Meet the Press for the first time in FOREVER and played his greatest hits for all the kids. Sanders criticized Joe Biden's environmental policy (which is literally just "beat Trump"), stating that it wasn't "good enough." Sanders is right! (NO FIGHTING.)

SANDERS: Beating Trump is not good enough. You have to beat the fossil fuel industry, you have to take on all the forces of the status quo who do not want to move this country to energy efficiency and sustainable energy.

But then Chuck Todd asked Bernie a loaded question about women getting "sex-selective" abortions and the whole interview went off the rails. Bernie struggled to answer the dumbass question and came across looking stupid despite having spent the better part of the last week in Alabama railing against abortion bans.

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