President Zen Master Totally Losing His Shit Right Now, So That's New And Different
With all the terrible news this week and last, you might be wondering how Donald Trump is really feeling in his heart. Or maybe you are like most patriotic Americans and don't give two fucks and just hope that asshole is having a bad day. (SPOILER: He is.)
Last week, Trump's campaign chair was convicted of eight felonies and his personal lawyer/thug/fixer confessed to eight more, implicating the president in two of them. At the end of the week, the Trump Organization CFO was granted immunity from prosecutors, as was former Trump buddy David Pecker, whose National Enquirer has been burying Trump's bodies forfuckingever. Then John McCain died, which led pretty much the entire non-deplorable population of the country to at least pause to recognize the passing of an icon in American politics, which is just unfair to Trump because a cursory examination of McCain's life story reads like a rebuke of the very existence of President Bone Spurs.
What's a loser president to do to get his groove back?
Shame his attorney general into resigning? Hahaha, no dice, buddy.
Pretend to murder NAFTA but really it's just a photo op of the president dancing on his own dick? Well that's one way to handle it.
Make everybody see what a big strong guy he is, by refusing to honor John McCain in his passing? America's response to that was basically to point at Trump and say "LOL what a fucking pussy." (As of this writing, the flag is back at half staff at the White House. Maybe at some point they'll put up a livestream so we can watch them move it up and down as Trump's mood gets progressively Sundown-y this evening.)
Even Trump's daily Twitter affirmations of his own greatness are sounding sadder:
Gabe Sherman has one of his fun little thingies in Vanity Fair, about how apeshit Trump is right now. The short version is that it's waaaaaaay worse than usual, and people inside the White House are a-skeered.
"Trump is nuts," said one former West Wing official. "This time really feels different." Deputy Chief of Staff Bill Shine has privately expressed concern, a source said, telling a friend that Trump's emotional state is "very tender." Even Jared Kushner and Ivanka Trump are unsettled that Trump is so gleefully acting on his most self-destructive impulses as his legal peril grows.
Everyone be nice for a minute, as the president is feeling VERY TENDER right now! Or, you know, call him mean names on Twitter if you want, to hurt his feelings more, if you're into that sort of thing, and we are.
White House people reportedly tried to distract the baby by inviting all his best buddies from New York for a playdate, but Trump stomped his feet and said no, because he was pretty sure they were only going to invite his friends over to try to be the boss of him, and nobody is the boss of him.
"People" say Trump taking away John Brennan's security clearance and shitting on John McCain are just Trump lashing out like the thin-skinned and weak little Trump he is. Also, he was very "bummed" and "down and out" last week, according to "people." If his fingers were long enough, he would have been sitting on his bed with a guitar playing Morrissey songs, but LOL, President Stubby Paws can't do that, allegedly.
But then this weekend he was MAD, if you couldn't tell that by looking at his Twitter feed:
"He spent the weekend calling people and screaming," one former White House official said.
It's not that Trump and his lawyers don't have a coherent strategy to deal with all his problems, like for instance that thing about how Trump is literally an unindicted co-conspirator now:
Trump attorneys suggested that a strategy for dealing with the issue could be for Trump to admit to having affairs with women and paying hush money to them for years. That way, he could assert that the payments to Daniels and McDougal were normal business—not campaign donations meant to influence the 2016 election. Trump, according to the sources, rejected this advice. "It was because of Melania," one source said.
Hell yeah, Rudy Giuliani is still in the house! First of all, you can't just say the president has been paying every porn star $130,000 to fuck him for decades -- you'd have to show the receipts. And then you'd be literally admitting that the president can't get any strange on the side without paying $130,000. But sure, Rudy, go with the "unfuckable" defense!
Also, though, we highly doubt Michael Avenatti is that dumb. He has said he has evidence of more payoffs, and Steve Bannon told Michael Wolff that former Trump lawyer Marc Kasowitz dealt with literal BINDERS full of women, all during the campaign.
So we're going to rate that "strategy" as #FullOfShit. Also, we're pretty sure Melania knows all.
Finally, Trump is very sad because Don McGahn, who reportedly has been cooperating VERY NICELY with special counsel Robert Mueller, won't draw him up a pardon for Paul Manafort:
Trump has told people he's considering bringing in a new lawyer to draft a Manafort pardon, if McGahn won't do it. "He really at this point does not care," a former official said. "He would rather fight the battle. He doesn't want to do anything that would cede executive authority."
More like he's an idiot who'll do anything at this point, no matter how stupid, to protect his own ass, even if he ultimately takes down his own ass in the process.
Good plan, fuckjob.
Have a HAPPY OPEN THREAD, everyone, because Donald Trump, as usual, is a sad sack of shit.
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