Presidential Wannabes Prepare For Saturday Night Massacre Funtimes, Yay!

And bring all your dead friends!

Greetings, salutations, and happy voting day. Wait WHAT!? Voting day?!?! Calm down, you don't need to readjust your calendar or change out of your footie pajamas and hurry off to work. (Unless you work the weekend shift, in which case, you're late.) It really is Saturday o'clock. But for some reason, some states like to do electioning on Saturday. And oh look, here are some of them now.

It's NevAda, Not NevAHda, Dumbass

Oh good, it's another big-D Democratic caucus clusterfucktastrophe, this time in Nevada. (Yeah yeah, go ahead and make all your "Stays in Vegas" jokes. Those never get old. Really. You're all very hilarious.)

Democrats show up to their designated caucusing locations at 11 AM Pacific, to stand in their various corners and shout "HILLZ YES!" or "FEEL THE BERN!" at each other, until they are hoarse and end up flipping coins or however Nevada Democrats do "it's a tie" democracy (they draw cards, actually; true story) in the very not democratic caucus process. (We lived in a caucus state one time, so we have MANY opinions about how caucuses are 17 types of bullshit that disenfranchise voters who can't make it to that specific place at that very specific time because jobs or for other reasons. And also, no one should be publicly shamed by their neighbors into voting for a candidate, and seriously, you caucus states are THE WORST.)

What time do the polls close? They don't, because weren't you even listening just now? It's a caucus, so the results will be announced at whenever time they wrap it up to go hit the bars and brothels. Hope you weren't planning to go anywhere or do anything for your entire Saturday!

South Caroliniantonians Finally Send Jeb Bush Home, Probably

Meanwhile, in the Palmetto State, Republicans are casting their heritage-not-hate primary votes for Donald Trump or one of the other guys. But probably Donald Trump. Maybe Ted Cruz. Definitely not Jeb Bush.

Polls close at 7 PM eastern, and then, thanks to this week's endorsement from Gov. Nikki Haley (R-"A Benetton commercial"), we can't wait to fap to another glorious victory speech from Marco Rubio, for winning third place again. Stop laughing, third place is a perfectly respectable win for a loser, and hey, it's better than being Jeb, right? Right.

We don't want to ruin the surprise, but Ben Carson? Yeah, he ain't long for this here primary world, y'all. Someone wake him up some time tomorrow and let him know, m'kay?

Oh, and what's this Washington nonsense?

There is also a Republican "caucus" on Saturday, in the state of Washington. Why are we using ironic mocking bunny ears quotation marks? Because the Republican "caucus" is the voting equivalent of shooting blanks. Here, we shall let local Seattle Times reporter Jim Brunner explain at you the stupidity of his state's system:

Thousands of Republicans will meet across the state Saturday for precinct caucuses, but the gatherings will lack the oomph of previous election years.

There is a reason Donald Trump and his rivals have focused entirely on the South Carolina Republican primary the same day.

Unlike the Palmetto State showdown, Washington’s GOP caucuses won’t count in the race for the party’s presidential nomination.

The state’s 44 national Republican delegates won’t be up for grabs until the May 24 presidential primary.

So ... what's the point? There is no point, it is super fuckin' dumb and a waste of everyone's time and state dollars. Or, as the state's Republican Party chairlady Susan Hutchinson put it:

It allows people to meet and get to know their Republican neighbors. You sit at a table with them and you get to discuss candidates and issues[.]

Right. Like we said, a waste of everyone's time. And yes, Democrats do it too, only the opposite way, just to keep things nice and complicated. Democrats caucus on March 26, where their results actually count. But they can also participate in the presidential primary for shits and giggles that don't actually count for anything except shits and giggles. What a terrific system, huh?

Anything else happening on Saturday?

This is America, you can do whatever you want. Do brunch or do nothing at all or do adult activities with your activity partner or yourself, whatever, we don't judge. That's between you and your splooge sock.


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