Princess Cookies 'N' Cream Vanderbilt Rothschild Pelosi Has Granite Countertops

A long time ago in a land far away, in the early days of the internet, wingnut blogger Michelle Malkin gained some notoriety when, in her quest to prove that a little boy named Graeme Frost didn't need children's health insurance under the S-CHIP program, she EXPOSED his parents for the frauds they are, because they had ... granite countertops. (Allegedly! She thought she saw them THROUGH THE WINDOWS and they were granite! Actually they were concrete, according to the Frosts.)

Yeah, well, guess who has granite countertops now? Um, well, it's the year 2020, so pretty much anybody who's done a kitchen reno over the past 20 years, unless they've upgraded to more modern choices like marble or quartz.

But Speaker Nancy Pelosi has some countertops! They are on either side of her PRADA REFRIGERATORS, which hide her LOUIS VUITTON ICE CREAMS! And she dares have these things in her house, during coronavirus!

Look, there is evidence, right here in this silly video Pelosi did with late night host James Corden:

If you watch the video, you are confronted with these shocking facts about Pelosi's survival skills during the pandemic:

1) Nancy Pelosi likes chocolate. (This is the most well-kept secret on Capitol Hill, just like Aaron Schock's sexuality was a very well kept secret on Capitol Hill.)

2) Nancy Pelosi has double stainless steel refrigerators. (!!!!!!1!!1!!!1!!FRIDGEGATE!!1!)

3) Nancy Pelosi has a microwave between her refrigerators, bet she thinks she's better than us, probably every time she sees another human being she thinks, "They don't have any microwaves between their refrigerators," yep we bet that's what she thinks.

4) Nancy Pelosi has TOO MANY ICE CREAMS in her stainless steel refrigerators, and she orders it on internet.

OK, so we have established that Nancy Pelosi is the Moira Rose of kitchen appliances and exclusive mail order organic free-range cage-free ice cream.

moira rose GIF by Schitt's Creek Giphy

And you, reading this, if you are a normal and well-developed human, are not bothered by any of this.

Ready for the stupids?

We start at wingnut website PJ Media, where Jim Treacher (his real name is Sean Medlock) has some brain thoughts about Princess Cookies 'N' Cream Vanderbilt Rothschild Pelosi up there. Treacher is very good at hot takes that uncover liberal hypocrisy, like did you know Leonardo DiCaprio goes to Vegas on airplanes sometimes WHARS YR GLOBAL WARMIN NOW LIB?

Treacher (Medlock) spends two paragraphs making "jokes" about COVID-19 "Chinese virus" and how he is above knowing who James Corden is, then gets to his deranged point:

Well, nothing says "Woman of the People" quite like posing in front of two of your enormous gleaming stainless-steel luxury refrigerators with a sweater tied around your neck. What color is that, is that peach? No, more of a tangerine. Pumpkin, perhaps. Very comforting, in any case. Whoever dresses Pelosi is earning his and/or her pay.

ENORMOUS GLEAMING STAINLESS STEEL LUXURY REFRIGERATORS! With pumpkin sweaters tied about the neck, no less! Where does SHE get off!

Treacher (Medlock) shares the results of his exclusive Google investigation into the contents of Nancy Pelosi's freezer:

Those containers of Jeni's Splendid Ice Creams you saw packed into Pelosi's freezers are only $12 per pint, so you can buy literally 100 of them with your Trump check. Almost as many as Pelosi has. Now that's what I call bipartisanship!

Cartier ice creams! (And we clicked his link and that ice cream is fancy as fuck and we want it now.)

And now for the anilingus joke, and if you don't understand why, then you just don't understand conservative humor joke designs:

By the way, what sort of mouthwash does James Corden use? I hope it's very strong, considering where his tongue just went.

He means Nancy Pelosi's butt.

All the social distancing rules in the world won't keep a CBS employee from kissing a Democrat's keister.


Treacher (Medlock) goes on a few more flowery paragraphs before calling Pelosi "Nancy Antoinette," which is nowhere near as creative or awesome as "Princess Cookies 'N' Cream Vanderbilt Rothschild Pelosi," so his part of this blog post is over.

Because Horseshoe Theory is dedicated to fucking itself at both ends without a condom every day these days, Jeremy Scahill from the Intercept is also very mad about Nancy Pelosi's Hermes countertops and her Rolex ice creams.

FIFTEEN flavors of ice cream! That is like half a Baskin Robbins, in Nancy Pelosi's house! Not that Queen Pelosi would ever deign to visit such a pedestrian ice cream shoppe!

Scahill continued on Twitter with this unassailable logic:

OK, so putting aside Scahill's comment about Pelosi's "expensive ice cream collection," like they're Basquiats or something, we are having trouble with that last tweet. He notes that SOME refrigerators are more than $40K (#NotAllRefrigerators), and that SOME houses in Milwaukee are under $80K. He fails to establish that Nancy Pelosi's fridges were $40K, or why that's a fair comparison to inexpensive homes in Milwaukee, but sure whatever. Point definitely made, Jeremy!

This is so fucking stupid.

Jeremy Scahill, in his high-level job at the Intercept, earned about $349,000 in 2015, which is the most recent year we could find info for. (His pal Glenn Greenwald took in over $500K that year.) And honestly, we don't care! We think that's a perfectly fine salary for a large media company executive editorial position. But it's also why Jeremy Scahill should shut the fuuuuuuuuuuuuck up.

Meanwhile, Nancy Pelosi is a wealthy 80-year-old woman and an Italian grandmother of approximately 648 children. So we can see why she might have done her kitchen re-do with double fridges, and why she might be just absolutely full of ice cream treats, since she freely admits she's going to eat about half of them herself. She can have as many fridges and ice creams as she wants.

And honestly, we don't care if her fridges were $40K each. It just has literally no bearing on any of our lives. Sure, it's funny to see the celebrity quarantine pix, where they are despondently lying on their 1600-square-foot couches in their 3800-square-foot living rooms that somehow overlook both the Rocky Mountains and the beach in Tahiti. But like ... grow up. Pelosi might have a bigger house than many of us do, but "I AM EATING SO MUCH FUCKING ICE CREAM RIGHT NOW" is really not outside the bounds of any normal human answer to "How are you handling quarantine?"

Like ... is she not also cooped up, just like the rest of us are? Are we supposed to be offended and angry and resentful that she has way more refrigerator space than we do, or can we just be jealous, like normal people?

Also, HI THERE HELLO, but who controls the House of Representatives and is working her ass off day in, day out, to get the American people the relief they need during this shitty pandemic? Is it Republicans? No, it is Nancy Pelosi. Republicans are the ones she's fighting.

So terribly sorry she's not giving a free Chanel refrigerator and a pint of Gucci ice cream to each and every American, from her personal collection.

Point is, if any of this bothers you, you have issues, fuck off.

What time is it? OPEN THREAD.

[PJ Media]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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