Protesting Hippies To Be Forced To Taste Awful Vegan Meals Twice
Back in the good old days, hippies used to thrive on physical conflict with the brave, short-haired men of our police and national guard. At protests against the Vietnam War, getting your pot-addled head busted open by a police baton was a badge of honor. That's why you egged the lawmen on to violence by throwing feces at them!
Nowadays, though, hippies are just like other Americans: whiny wusses who can't handle a little chin music, and who sue if they think that their "right" to a non-cracked skull has been violated by the po-po. And those legal fees add up for our beleaguered law enforcement agencies. Thus, scientists have been working hard on an anti-hippie weapon that will break up some libtarded anti-war protest but not leave permanent scars on the patchouli-scented protesters.
Finally, success! A California company called Intelligent Optical Systems, working under contract with the Department of Homeland Security, has developed a flashlight-like gizmo that they call the "LED Incapacitator," but which Fox News cheerfully calls a "Puke Saber" and "Barf Beamer." The gadget produces "super-bright pulses of light at rapidly changing wavelengths," which cause disorientation, nausea, and, yes, upchucking. Vladimir Rubtsov, the sinister Russian who is the company's chief scientist, says that there's "one wavelength that gets everybody," which he calls "the evil color," which we actually find genuinely creepy.
DHS will also be outfitting the Border Patrol with these things, which means that they will be used against Mexicans as well as hippies.