Protip For Rainbow Family Gathering: Don't Trust Anyone Named 'Hitler,' Even If She Is A Hippie
There was some serious harshing of the mellow at this year's Rainbow Family Gathering near Heber City, Utah, when a hippie lady who calls herself "Hitler" stabbed another hippie person, nonfatally, thank goodness. Leilani Novak-Garcia, who prefers the name "Hitler" (we couldn't find any background on why she chose that moniker, exactly), was arrested and charged with attempted murder after stabbing a 45-year-old man multiple times. But we bet she had a really good reason!
The Salt Lake Tribune explains how things went sideways at the annual gathering of the peaceful patchouli-huffing set in the Wasatch Mountains:
Novak-Garcia, 32, had been honking her car horn for about a half hour when the victim approached her about 1 a.m. ... The victim, a 45-year-old man, asked Novak-Garcia to stop honking, "but she didn’t want to," investigators wrote.
See? We knew there had to be a provocation. She was not going to be quieted by The Man, or whatever man happened along.
The victim then tried to remove fuses from under the hood of the car to disable the horn, when Novak-Garcia stabbed him in the head and shoulder, investigators wrote. Forest rangers said they heard someone scream, "I’ll [expletive deleted] kill you." They found the victim bleeding from serious injuries in a nearby camp; Novak-Garcia’s car was empty, but investigators later found her hiding in the camp.
Ooh, we're going to go with "fucking" for that expletive, but we should keep in mind that, given her preferred name, it may also have been something in German. Add your own "brown acid" joke here.
So far, roughly 650 people have arrived for HippieFest 2014; the Gathering often draws as many as 20,000 people and in past years, a similar number of moral-panic articles have appeared to warn us about how dangerous these '60s holdovers are to the land, public safety, and basic decency, as many of the revelers like to git stoned and go nay-ked, and lie in a great big pile:
We would also note that none of those good old '60s nayked stoners had a shiv, for pete's sake.
The Heber City Police Department's Facebook page warns that
While many members of the Rainbow Family are upstanding citizens, a small segment of their population have reportedly caused significant and detrimental impacts on nearby communities.
For instance, reports of previous Rainbow Gatherings show some past attendees engaged in criminal activity, including aggressive panhandling at stores and gas stations, trespassing, shoplifting, public urination, and nudity/lewdness. In addition, these reports show some attendees have left local emergency room and hospital facilities with unpaid medical services totaling hundreds of thousands of dollars before leaving the area a month or so later.
Don't these dirty hippies know that their presence is desperately needed in Washington DC, where they could at least help overthrow the government?
Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.