Lindsey Graham is confused. He doesn't think that presidents should be able to commit crimes, and as the chair of the Senate Judiciary Committee, he takes very seriously his role in the trial portion of an impeachment, and he would even vote to remove the president IF he could see evidence that the president committed high crimes and misdemeanors.

But alas, Lindsey Graham just can't see any of that evidence, we guess because his face, which is permanently kissing Donald Trump's ass, is smooshed into the president's ass cheeks, rendering him permanently blinded by Trump's ass fat. And maybe his ears are smooshed into the president's ass cheeks as well, because he apparently is unable to hear ALL THE CONFESSIONS.

Graham explained this in an interview for Axios's hot HBO show "Axios After Dark: HARDER, WETTER, STILL SUCKS" (may not be what show is called) on Sunday night.

"Sure. I mean ... show me something that ... is a crime," Graham told Axios' Jonathan Swan. "If you could show me that, you know, Trump actually was engaging in a quid pro quo, outside the phone call, that would be very disturbing."

You want outside the phone call, Linds? Because the phone call by itself is pretty holy shitballs.

Graham said: "I've read the transcript of the Ukrainian phone call. That's not a quid pro quo to me."

Oh OK, well first of all, Lindsey Graham is a fuckin' idiot, because we have also read the transcript, and while it doesn't actually matter if there was a quid pro quo -- the crime is asking a foreign power to do political investigations into Trump's political rivals in order to ratfuck the 2020 election for him -- there actually was a quid pro quo. And we understand this because we have read the transcript of the call in context of everything else we know about what the Trump administration was up to with Ukraine.

Here is how the call goes: Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskiy says thank you for help with putting more sanctions on Russia. Thank you for partnering with Ukraine on defense. We are going to buy some Javelin military weapons from you! And immediately, Trump says "I WOULD LIKE YOU TO DO US A FAVOR, THOUGH." Remember that at that very moment, Trump has Ukraine's military aid between his man boobs and he's squeezing it tight. He wouldn't end up releasing that aid for six weeks and change.

But whatever, Lindsey Graham wants outside the phone call. What about a confession from Trump? Would that work? Because he's done several of them.

Look, a confession!

Maybe Lindsey Graham would be interested in a taped confession, which aired live on TV, from (acting) White House Chief of Staff Mick Mulvaney. Would that work? (To be fair to Graham, his Axios interview was taped Tuesday. Mulvaney committed arson against his own face on Thursday.)

What about text messages from some of the "three amigos" Trump deputized to do Ukrainian crime-committing with Rudy Giuliani, wherein one of the non-"three amigos" says HEY I THINK IT'S PRETTY FUCKED UP THAT WE'RE WITHHOLDING AID FROM UKRAINE TO MAKE THEM INVESTIGATE THE GHOSTS DONALD TRUMP FINDS IN HIS UNDERWEAR? Would those help Lindsey Graham?

We could read the opening statement from Gordon Sondland, one of the "three amigos," where he throws Trump and Rudy Giuliani directly under the bus. Shall we do that together, Lindsey Graham? We could take turns reading aloud to each other!

Whatever you need, Lindsey.

Graham shares other thoughts in the interview, like how Trump has created a "shitshow" with his dumbass Syria decisions, which Graham also called "dishonorable." But alas, Graham is still in love:

"I've got to know him, and I find him to be a handful," Graham said. "I find him to be an equal opportunity abuser of people. But at the end of the day, he can be very charming and be very gracious, and I'm judging him by his conduct."

In other words, "He's just a silly handful of Donald! What a silly, silly handful! He beats me."

Here's video of Graham saying Trump is very abusive, but it's OK because he's abusive to everybody:

Sen. Lindsey Graham calls Trump an “equal opportunity abuser of people"

Blink twice if you're in physical danger, Senator.

[Axios After Dark]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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