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OH HOLY SHIT WHAT THE FUCK?

Looks like Ye Olde Wonkette's Grande Theory of how James Comey is actually a good guy running a real-ass investigation into Donald Trump's VERY OBVIOUS RUSSIAN TIES was correct! Because Donald Trump, our stupid fucking president, has just fired FBI Director James Comey:

FBI Director James B. Comey has been dismissed by the president, according to White House spokesman Sean Spicer.

“The president has accepted the recommendation of the Attorney General and the deputy Attorney General regarding the dismissal of the director of the Federal Bureau of Investigation,” Spicer told reporters in the briefing room, according to a pool report.

Read Trump's letter to Comey, which he signed with his tiny little pussy hand:

Dear Director Comey,

I have received the attached letters from the Attorney General and Deputy Attorney General of the United States recommending your dismissal as Director of the Federal Bureau of Investigation. I have accepted their recommendation and you are hereby terminated and removed from office, effective immediately.

While I greatly appreciate you informing me, on three separate occasions, that I am not under investigation, I nevertheless concur with the judgment of the Department of Justice that you are not able to effectively lead the Bureau.

It is essential that we find new leadership for the FBI that restores public trust and confidence in its vital law enforcement mission.

I wish you the best of luck in your future endeavors.

Donald J. Trump

Trump is very happy that Comey promised that Trump wasn't under investigation personally, and he's real darn appreciative of how Comey threw the 2016 election in his direction, but anyway fuck him. James Comey is invited to hit Trump up if he needs a letter of recommendation for his next job, at Arby's!

So, if you're keeping score, Trump has now fired Sally Yates, U.S. Attorney Preet Bharara and James Comey -- all three of whom are potentially most likely definitely sitting on explosive criminal information on Trump. Probably just a coincidence!

According to CNBC, Attorney General Jeff Sessions sent Trump a letter saying "a fresh start is needed at the leadership of the FBI," because that fucking perjurer is such an expert on stuff and things.

You also need to behold the bullshit letter from Deputy Attorney General Rod Rosenstein, on why Trump made this move right now. Surprise, ALL the reasons he cites are arguments the Trump team COULD HAVE CITED just after the inauguration, but now are suddenly important, because #Reasons:

In case you can't read that on your Obamaphone, Trump's deputy attorney general is pissed off about (?!?!?!) how Comey handled (?!?!?!) HILLARY CLINTON'S EMAILS? They're suddenly mad that they were TOO MEAN to Hillary? It's just chapping their asses how Comey somehow undermined former Attorney General Loretta Lynch? REALLY? Is this some cynical play to get Democrats on board with this? Are we supposed to be too stupid to remember how Loretta Lynch had said, officially, on record, that she would accept Comey's recommendations on the Hillary investigation, because all kinds of morons were pissed off that she discussed casserole recipes with Bill Clinton on a tarmac in Phoenix?

The Washington Post also reports that this is partially happening now because Comey accidentally said some wrong and dumb things about Hillary Clinton's emails in his testimony before the Senate Judiciary Committee last week, to which we reply, "EAT ME."

We're pretty sure this is ACTUALLY happening because Comey was running the only credible investigation into Trump and Russia that exists, don't you think? Yeah, we'll go with that because we're goddamned patriots. Who is left to stop the anti-American traitors currently staging a coup against the American government?

Look, Comey has fucked up a lot of things. OBVIOUSLY. We have spent many days being GRRRR ANGRY at him, as we lovingly detailed in this post.

But y'all? This is fucked. WAKE UP, SHEEPLE.

Hey, let's look at the front page of the Los Angeles Times on the day after Richard Nixon's Saturday Night Massacre! Why? Oh no reason:

The new acting director of the FBI will be its current deputy director, Andrew McCabe, who is married to a known Democrat lady and is pals with Virginia Democratic Governor Terry McAuliffe, so Trump will fire him later tonight on Twitter probably.

God help us.

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[Washington Post]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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Photo by Wonkette operative 'Zippy W. Spincycle'

Last week, Yr Dok Zoom talked a little bit about his damn dissertation, which looked at "Wabbit Literacy," the weird thing where we sometimes learn about the world from parodies and jokes long before we ever encounter the original stuff -- like learning about opera from cartoons. More than one person in the comments (which Wonkette does not allow and yet, like life, you find a way) mentioned they were disappointed, as kids, to learn that while roadrunners are real birds, the actual critter looks nothing like this:

Which is not to say that real roadrunners are the least bit disappointing, as animals go, because they're freaking incredible. Yes, even if they don't actually leave lines of flame down the center line of desert highways and go "Meep! Meep!" But they can sprint up to 20 miles per hour, which is faster than you, albeit slower than a real coyote's top speed. Also, yes, real coyotes are among the predators what eat roadrunners, which is why the wily birds adopted the evolutionary strategy of running right through fake tunnels coyotes paint on the sides of mountains.

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Once upon a time... about ten years ago, a group of entirely ridiculous men burst onto the scene wearing stupid hats and telling men that wearing stupid hats and telling men that walking up to women in bars and insulting ("negging") them would get them laid. This did not last long, as women also had televisions and computers and were completely aware of these tricks as well, so when some ass came up to us in a bar and said "Hey, nice nails, are they real?" we would laugh and laugh and loudly announce "Oh my god, this guy just tried to neg me! Can you believe that shit? HEY EVERYONE, THIS GUY JUST TRIED TO NEG ME!" and then refer to him as "Mystery" the whole night.

Most of the men who tried that shit only did so a few times before realizing that it wasn't going to work, and thus moved on to other things. Perhaps things that did not involve furry hats and coming off as a huge creep. We may never know, because I would assume that those who tried it are now extremely embarrassed and would never, ever admit to this to us.

Still, there were a few men willing to eat that shit up, as well as some grifters willing to take advantage of that. Said grifters tended to be extremely misogynistic and seemed more like they were teaching men how to be as despised by women as they were than teaching them how to actually be liked by women.

Some of them, like Roosh V, a creepy weirdo who actually does live in his mom's basement, actively encouraged men to rape women who were intoxicated to the point of being obviously unable to consent.

However, even that branch of the PUA tree is wilting away. Many "self-help" style PUA forums like Nextasf and RSDnation are shutting down or have already shut down. In March, Chateau Heartiste, a batshit crazy PUA turned White Nationalist/Alt-Right blog was shut down by Wordpress. This week, rape advocate Roosh V (whom you may recall once called yours truly a "Wonkette typist/clown face, would not bang") announced that he was renouncing his PUA ways and devoting himself to Jesus. He explained to the forum he manages that he would no longer be allowing anyone to discuss premarital "fornication."

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