Put Down Your Chram, Rudy, The FBI's At The Door!

We had just been thinking to ourselves that it's been a good hot minute since we got to enjoy bad things happening to bad people. Too long, really.

The New York Times keeps updating its story, but let's just kick off with the headline: The FBI went to Rudy Giuliani's house and said KNOCK KNOCK, MOTHERFUCKER. One of the things you've been waiting for all your life, for the FBI to barge into that scumbag's house. You will obviously like it more when and if he gets arrested and then thrown in prison.

The FBI also raided the house (or possibly just the cell phone? It's unclear) of Victoria Toensing, AKA the wife part of the husband/wife lawyer duo of Hairball and Hairball, Attorneys at Law. You remember the Hairballs! Or you will soon.

If you guessed this is all about the Ukraine scandal, you'd be right.

Let's read some Times and wallow in joy at the Southern District of New York executing warrants on the loser who used to run their office before he fell in with the wrong crowd and starting doing senile cosplay of "Breaking Bad," allegedly:

Federal investigators in Manhattan executed search warrants early Wednesday at the home and office of Rudolph W. Giuliani. [...]

The investigators seized Mr. Giuliani's electronic devices and searched his Madison Avenue apartment and his Park Avenue office at about 6 a.m., two of the people said.

The execution of search warrants is an extraordinary action for prosecutors to take against a lawyer, let alone a lawyer for a former president.

Yeah, to say the least.

Hey, remember how former Attorney General Bill Barr tried to kill the investigation into Giuliani and put the kibosh on a subpoena for all his iPhones and his Jitterbugs last summer? Well apparently the investigation didn't go all the way away. We guess SDNY just stuck it somewhere for safekeeping. According to the Times, the Justice Department's objections to a warrant for Rudy's shit officially magically went away once Merrick Garland was confirmed. Funny, that.

Giuliani's lawyer Robert Costello — yes of course you know him too from another time another Trump lawyer got in a spot of bother— is VERY MAD GRR ARGH:

"What they did today was legal thuggery," Mr. Costello said. "Why would you do this to anyone, let alone someone who was the associate attorney general, United States attorney, the mayor of New York City and the personal lawyer to the 45th president of the United States."

Um ... maybe he is a criminal or something? Dunno, shruggie emoticon, hashtag "innocent until proven guilty" of course.

In case you forgot, this lawyer for the 45th president of the United States — along with Toensing, her hairball husband Joe diGenova, and some indicted Ukrainian pals of Rudy's named Igor Fruman and Lev Parnas AKA the Chucklefucks — was heavily involved in the machinations that led to Donald Trump's first impeachment, the one where Trump extorted Ukraine to gin up fake shit on Joe Biden before Biden even won the Democratic nomination, in order to try to steal the then-upcoming 2020 election. Once it was actually election season, Giuliani continued his dirty work, acting as a conduit for Russian disinformation about the Bidens in Ukraine, again, to help Russia help Trump steal another election. Sadly, it did not work this time!

(If you need some refreshers on what all this Rudy Ukraine business is about, we don't have the mental bandwidth to type it all now, but try HERE and HERE and HERE and HERE and ... HERE and ... oh hell, just search Wonkette for Roodles the Clown, you'll find what you're looking for, like the FBI hopefully did this morning.)

And as per the Times, that's what this is about:

The federal authorities have largely focused on whether Mr. Giuliani illegally lobbied the Trump administration in 2019 on behalf of Ukrainian officials and oligarchs, who at the time were helping Mr. Giuliani search for damaging information on Mr. Trump's political rivals, including Mr. Biden, who was then a leading contender for the Democratic presidential nomination.

The authorities are reportedly specifically very interested in Giuliani's little campaign to get Trump to fire Marie Yovanovitch as ambassador to Ukraine, as she was one of the major roadblocks in the way of getting Ukraine to launch bullshit investigations into the Bidens and imaginary Ukrainian influence on the 2016 American election to help Trump. (READ THE TRANCSRIPTs111!11) Indeed, she was a major roadblock in general for pro-Kremlin Ukrainians and the personal corruption they wanted to do for their own purposes. The FBI would really like to know if Giuliani was both working as Trump's lawyer and lobbying him for shit and also working for corrupt Ukrainians on the side. Because doing that without registering as a foreign agent would be — what's that word? — CRIME.

There are many more details in the Times piece and we imagine we're all going to have to brush up on our Rudy/Chucklefucks/Hairballs/JOHN SOLOMON/Dmitry Firtash/Ukraine knowledge in the next few days/weeks, but for now, we'll just leave you with this mental image:

At around six this morning, Rudy Giuliani was wherever he was, playing with his chram maybe, and the feds showed up and busted up his shit. Did they tell him to put down his chram? Did he jump up and down all mad with his chram wiggling around all silly-like? We don't know, but hopefully one day soon the FBI will tell us a whole story.

Meet Michele Herbert, one of Roodles The Clowns's neighbors, who describes what it was like for the feds to come up in their building and bust up Rudy's shit. There aren't any amazing quotes, it's just funny as hell.

"They were bringing out a lot of stuff"! Yay!

In summary and in conclusion, none of this is about any election crimes Rudy may have perhaps also committed in his Four Seasons Total Landscape quest to overturn the 2020 election and have his crime boss declared Dear Leader For Life. That's a whole 'nother barrel of apples!

Something happy happened today.

Don't forget to join us at 9 Eastern, when we'll liveblog the first congressional address from President Joe Biden, whom — no matter how crimily they tried! — they couldn't prevent from beating Donald Trump like the dead horse he is. OPEN THREAD!

[New York Times]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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