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Hello, everyone, please make way to your bunks so you can have some privacy, as the exclusive internet-only offer in this blog post is going to titillate you in the bathing suit area.

Here is a preview:

Giphy

Ohhhhhhhh ZOINKS!

That's right, it's former screaming lying White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer (yes, we used to have one of those), who went on to a several-week-long career as a forbidden sexual dancer on the "Dancing With The Stars" program, and he is selling some special Valentine's Day videos.

You know, for your lover.

You know, in case you haven't boned in a while.

And you definitely aren't interested in breaking that dry spell this Friday night.


Check out this NSFW post from Spicer's official Instaface page:

In case you can't read that, here is the sexxxclusive offer from Sean Spicer, for Valentine's day:

If you forgot to get someone you love a thoughtful Valentine's Day gift, it's not too late. I've made my video shout outs on Cameo more than half off, only $199 through the end of Feb and all the proceeds are going directly to the Independence Fund.

Wait, you get Sean Spicer J/O material, and you also get to give the veterans a helping hand? That means both your hands will be doing something useful this Valentine's Day!

TELL US MORE.

You get the best way to tell someone you love them (a video from me)

"The best way."

And so forth.

If you do not know about Cameo, it's pretty fun, but literally anybody who's barely halfway anybody can get on there. It's especially big with washed-up Trumpers. As Mediaite notes, you can get videos from Tomi Lahren for only $80 and Omarosa for only $49 and Corey Lewandowski for only $55. We don't know if they are going to run big sexxxy Valentine's Day sales, though. We also do not know why Spicey's regular price, at like $400 bucks, is so high, or why $199 is supposed to be such a bargain for this obviously very arousing product.

Our point is, if you need a gag gift to embarrass somebody — VERY GOOD FOR WEDDINGS — the cast of MAGA throwaways on Cameo gotchu.

There are also non-MAGA people on there, obviously. For example, you can get the actual Chris Hansen to do a "Hi I'm Chris Hansen" video for your dad for $50, or Mark McGrath/Sugar Ray to do a "Chin up, dude, at least you're not Mark McGrath/Sugar Ray!" video for $125, for literally anybody you know who is down on their luck. For $150 you can get a nice video from actual cool person Kathy Najimy. Browse your heart out!

There are shitloads of people. Remember that dumbass kinda hot but still dumbass Olympic swimmer Ryan Lochte? Hunnerd bucks. The "Shark Tank" lady Barbara Corcoran? $499. FUCKIN' DEBBIE GODDAMN GIBSON? $150 bucks!

So yeah, some of 'em are kinda cool.

Anyway, we just wanted you to know that Sean Spicer can take your special Valentine on a one-way video journey to a videographical technicolor Bone Zone, and it is on sale.

(To be clear for anybody reading this who doesn't know Wonkette and doesn't understand that we will turn literally anything into a dick joke: We are not really saying Sean Spicer will do a XXX video for your Valentine's lover lady or gentleman. At least we hope he won't. Inquire within, though, we guess!)

We don't know how you are even still reading this, unless you can read Wonkette in your bunk while ordering Sean Spicer sexxx videos for your boyfriend.

OPEN THREAD.

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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