Time for a quick dispatch from Russia, where Donald Trump's handler Vladimir Putin just signed a law that would/will make Trump literally squeal with jealousy. Tell us, Bloomberg:

President Vladimir Putin signed laws punishing online media and individuals for spreading "fake news" or material that's considered insulting to Russian officials.

Prosecutors can now complain about online publications to the state communications watchdog, which has powers to block access to the websites if their owners fail to remove the material promptly. Publications found guilty of spreading "unreliable socially significant information" may face fines of as much as 1.5 million rubles ($23,000).

Individuals also face fines and up to 15 days in jail if they publish material online that expresses "clear disrespect for society, the state, the official state symbols of the Russian Federation, the Constitution of the Russian Federation and bodies exercising state power."

That's about what we'd expect from the guy who, in 2013, banned "gay propaganda" to minors, by which they meant being open and honest about the fact that gay people exist. (That law is not all that different from a bill that has often been introduced in the shithole totalitarian nation of ... um, Tennessee.)

So anyway, with the signing of this new bill, you can officially get in trouble in Russia -- we say "officially" because you could already get murdered by Putin's thugs for saying something mildly critical about the government or being gay or being a journalist who tells the truth -- if you say mean swears about Russian government officials (all of whom should go fuck themselves with a Matryoshka doll) or if you propagate "fake news," which in an authoritarian state means news that displeases Dear Leader. (Also Donald Trump's definition.)

Also you can get in trouble for writing things online that hurt the feelings of "the official state symbols of the Russian federation," so in honor of the fact that we still live in a semi-free society, we'd like to go on record saying that double-headed eagles are biological freakshows and that Russian bears are A IDIOT.

Can you imagine how much Donald Trump is going to jizz himself over this law? He will lose it over this.

Reminder: Trump has spent the last 48 hours not only punching John McCain's ghost because it can't punch back, but also calling on the FCC and the FEC to investigate "Saturday Night Live," which was a rerun this weekend, for making fun of him.

Also, we already know about Trump's relationship with so-called "fake news," which is that literally everything he believes in his heart and the malignant tumor he calls a Very Good Brain is verifiable and dangerous bullshit.

In other words, if Trump ever got a law like this -- and he absolutely wants one, considering he's the guy who's spent the last four years whining that he wants to "open up the libel laws," for to keep his feelings from getting hurted -- he wouldn't be banning any actual fake news. He'd be banning the Washington Post.

Now, would Trump ever actually be able to weaken our American institutions so much that he could make something like this happen here? Yeah, we guess there's a slim possibility -- like if an actual divine miracle happened and it made him smart -- but probably not. One of the few saving graces of this precarious time in American history is that Trump is the stupidest, most ineffective and weakest person in the entire Western hemisphere.

But if he were a little bit more intelligent ...

The point is that yes, it could happen here, if we allow another authoritarian to take power, one that isn't so mindfuckingly dumb.

You'll be glad to know Russian officials have a sense of humor about all this:

Valentina Matviyenko, a key Putin ally who heads the upper house of parliament, laughed off the impact of the new laws last week, however, citing jokes that Russians had made about the legislation.

The powers mean that "if you criticize the authorities, you"ll be prosecuted under the law against insulting officials," she told an advisory council. "And if you praise the authorities, you'll be prosecuted under the law against fake news."

Ha! Ha ha! OK, that is a pretty good joke, even if Ms. Matviyenko is lying.

On a related subject, Trump's handler Vladimir Putin has been in the news today because he's taking a victory lap for the five-year anniversary of his illegal invasion of the Crimean peninsula in Ukraine, the act that caused America and other Western countries to slap Russian banks and oligarchs (AKA the Trump family's financiers) with massive sanctions that it seems pretty much every Russian citizen lobbied the Trump campaign to get rid of in exchange for hot wet secrets about the Democrats and Hillary Clinton.

We're sure Trump will condemn Putin's grandstanding visit to Crimea any second now, oh wait, just kidding, Trump thinks Putin's illegal invasion was just great, because they speak Russian in Crimea, right?

In summary and in conclusion, the preceding words in this blog post were extremely insulting to the president of the United States, and we wrote them because we are proud to be an American, where at least we know we're free, hey look at this bald eagle, motherfucker, IN YOUR FACE.



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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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