QAnon Dipshits Get Raptured: Presidential Emergency Alert Texting Edition
When most people got that "presidential alert" text message yesterday, they briefly glanced -- or glared -- at their phones, deleted the thing, and went on with their day. Or maybe they got on Twitter to make one of the same dumb jokes everyone else did about Trump texting "NO COLLUSION" to the entire country. But for fans of "QAnon," the Stupidest Conspiracy Ever, the alert was absolute proof that Donald Trump is watching over them and keeping them safe from the vast Clinton/Obama/Soros/Deep State conspiracy that's about to be taken down any darn minute now, just as soon as Trump has all his plans in place. Or at least, like everyone else, it was a reason to say something online as a howl against the existential emptiness of the void. One of those, for sure.
Remember, these are the same geniuses who think John McCain was executed for his crimes against Trump, that JFK Jr. faked his own death so he could watch over our nation and keep us safe, and Hillary Clinton is busy putting actual hexes on people to hide her vast child sex trafficking ring. To them, the nationwide text alert isn't just a new tool FEMA has to alert people to natural disasters (or alien invasions, always a possibility); instead, it's the system Donald Trump will use to announce the beginning of "The Storm," the grand moment when Donald Trump finally springs the trap he's been laying for all the Deep State enemies of America like Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton, the media, and pretty much all Democrats, plus a whole lot of insufficiently loyal Republicans. There will be mass arrests, military tribunals, and the imposition of martial law, but only temporarily to clean out the bad guys, after which the Constitution will again be honored and incels will finally get laid, by law.
Many QAnoners were positively giddy to see the alert, or at least happy to pretend to believe insane things to own the libs, as tracker of conspiracy loons Will Sommer noted at the Daily Beast:
"That is how we will receive orders if all else fails," wrote one QAnon believer on the 8Chan internet forum. "We are the next generation Minutemen! Standing by Sir!"
"SO HAPPY!" wrote another. "THANK YOU 45!"
Needless to say, there HAD to be Deep Meaning in the text, because words are magic, aren't they? You sheeple may have thought it was only a bland test message: "Presidential Alert: THIS IS A TEST of the National Wireless Emergency Alert System. No action is needed." But no, JUST LOOK at the code staring you right in the face: There are 17 words in the message, and the 17th letter in the alphabet is Q!!!!!
"The alert itself has 17 words," wrote one pro-QAnon Twitter user. "#NoCoincidence."
There are literally no coincidences for these folks, who rival End Times Bible thumpers in their zeal to tease out the signs and wonders of our amazing age. But wait! There's even more code in that anodyne message (which, again, is from FEMA -- or so They want the sheeple to believe, for now):
Others focused on the portion of the message that said "no action is needed," which they saw as an echo of their motto: "Trust the plan." That section of the test message, they believed, was a sign that Trump and the military are in control of the government and would soon settle all the country's problems.
On Twitter, it was a day of confused jubilation, because after all, something was happening. A plastic bag blew down the street, then suddenly stopped and changed direction on its own! The radio played only half of an ad. Your phone beeped in a way it hadn't before! Things! All sorts of THINGS!
The STORM is upon us. #qanon https://t.co/8q1zqo7GNr— Jewels (@Jewels)1538655212.0
The Storm is Cominch Patriots 💭 #QAnon ALERT D5 👇🙏🏻🇺🇸 https://t.co/JhsfIv5VzH— Rogue (@Rogue)1538617020.0
Also, we have no doubt at all that this really happened, with this exact exclamation:
Mind you, some QAnoners had been hoping the test message would have been a more overt declaration of decisive action, like the firing of Rod Rosenstein, the installation of Brett Kavanaugh, or at least the return of Crystal Pepsi. Sommer notes that "Q," the online troll these shitbirds think is a highly placed government operative, maybe Trump Himself, has fueled the excitement around the alert system:
In a series of posts, Q said that the date of the test had been moved to coincide with Kavanaugh's confirmation and claimed that Rosenstein was "standing down." In another, Q claimed that the test would mark the start of "RED OCTOBER," an increasingly QAnon-world concept in which Democrats are utterly crushed in various ways before the month is over.
"Goodbye, Mr. Rosenstein," read one Q post that referenced the test.
Several smart QAnoners even thought they knew exactly what the message would be, or will be once the shit really hits the fan:
Going off a months-old Q post, they claimed that it would be a message from Trump saying, "My fellow Americans, the Storm is upon us."
Sure, that wasn't the message yesterday, but no problem! The system worked, which proves now is the time to be alert for the REAL Storm, so get out of here, Daily Beast, with your lies, you silly people. We liked this tweet which conclusively REFUTES Sommers:
If the End of the World fails to appear, then by golly, that just proves it's time to prepare for the End of the World, which is definitely on its way, as one genius explained yesterday with the message, "Today was a test for THIS real soon!!" and this inspiring meme thing:
In a hundred years, all these Great Disappointments will no doubt lead to the establishment of a QAnon-derived church, from which the Ben Carson of 2120 will no doubt emerge. BE READY!!!
Also too, here's a good 'splainer thread on why, even though the current "president" is an ass, a national emergency alert system really is srs bsns.
It's a shitfuck of a week. Please send money if you're able!
Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.