QAnon Idiots Very Concerned About Mole Children Now

Conspiracy Theories

Since the very beginnings of the Satanic Panic in the 1980s, believers in Satanic Ritual Abuse have been obsessed with tunnels. One of the most memorable features of the investigation into McMartin Preschool in Manhattan Beach, California, were reports of underground tunnels where the McMartins brought children to sexually assault them. The McMartins, of course, were found innocent after a three year trial and no one ever found any damn tunnels. Including Gloria Steinem, who helped fund an excavation of the area around the preschool searching for them.

And now, thirty-plus years later, we're back to the damn tunnels. Because the QAnon idiots have recently turned their attention to a theory that Central Park is currently teeming with mole children who had been living in underground tunnels, and who have recently been rescued by the US military, on the orders of one Donald J. Trump.

It is, perhaps, one of the stupidest theories to have come from these people, and that's saying a lot.


So here's what the deal is (I think): They believe that the COVID-19 epidemic is a big ruse meant to keep people in their houses while the US military rescues thousands of children from underground tunnels, some of which they claim are right underneath Central Park. These children were, I guess, transported to the Navy hospital ships — the USNS Comfort in New York and the USNS Mercy in Los Angeles. Now, they claim, these children are being treated in all of the tents that were set up in Central Park to treat people with COVID-19.

The mole children, they claim, have lived underground all of their lives, and are thus "deformed" and sensitive to light (cause it's dark down there in the tunnels). They have, of course, been bred for the specific purpose of being sex slaves, but also for being eaten and having their adrenal glands harvested so "elites" can get high on their adrenochrome. Which, for the 47,000th time, is not a thing anyone can get high off of.

These pictures, apparently, are some kind of "evidence" (it is no kind of evidence). You know, because of course the US military is cool with professional photojournalists taking pictures of their top secret mole children rescue missions.

Of course, like all of the QAnon bullshit, it is rather difficult to pin down what the "official" storyline is here.

This theory appears to have originated with a brief recording of two people who claim to know people who know nurses working at the Central Park field hospital. We don't know who these people are. We do know that the guy who shared the convo is a chiropractor in the Philippines named Heath Motley. He is a QAnon guy with 1,378 Twitter followers who is apparently quite fond of neon tank tops.


The first person we hear from in this recording is a woman who says her mom is friends with a nurse who went up to work at the field hospital, who reportedly told her that "The thing with the kids, it's real, and I have to tell you, it's horrible. So horrible." Then we hear from a guy who knows someone personally who knows a nurse who knows other nurses and those nurses told the other nurse that they're just rescuing kids that are severely screwed up. "Like they're sex slaves from birth, kinda situation. Some of them are deformed."

Here are some other odd ladies explaining it all, in case you want to torture yourself.

Qanon, the storm is upon us Its habbening #savethemolechildren youtu.be


So yeah, now they are all super worried about the mole children. So much so that they are even writing poems about them.

One of the loudest voices promoting this theory is none other than Vincent Fuska, the guy they all think is Not Dead JFK Jr.

The responses to these tweets, by the way, are just absolutely incredible. All of these people are just so excited to pray for these non-existent mole children! Mole children they believe exist with their whole hearts because of almost two minutes of very unverified audio.

Curiously, this imaginary "rescue mission" bears a strong resemblance to another QAnon conspiracy invented last year by a man named Timothy Charles Holmseth, who claims to be a part of — no joke — the "Pentagon Pedophile Task Force." Holmseth claimed that he was the only person allowed to report on a story about Navy Seals rescuing 2100 children, also from underground tunnels.

It will shock you to learn that there is no such thing as the Pentagon Pedophile Task force.

In case you are wondering why we haven't heard anything about this marvelous rescue mission, it is because if we all found out what has really been going on, we'd all go crazy and end up in mental institutions.

It just makes sense!

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Robyn Pennacchia

Robyn Pennacchia is a brilliant, fabulously talented and visually stunning angel of a human being, who shrugged off what she is pretty sure would have been a Tony Award-winning career in musical theater in order to write about stuff on the internet. In addition to her work at Wonkette, she also has a biweekly column at Dame. Follow her on Twitter at @RobynElyse

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