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OOH BOY HOWDY, The Federalist is on fire this week! Just this morning we told you about the hilarious Federalist column where one neo-Nazi's mom and dad are Democrats, ipso facto QED NEO-NAZIS ARE THE REAL LIBERALS, FUCKERS! Is America's dumbest woman whose name doesn't rhyme with Cara Snailin' over there being a total fuckin' Mollie Hemingway right now? Sadly, she blocked us on Twitter, so how could we possibly know? The answer is WE DON'T CARE.

But now we have a gem of the Federalist genre, an article written by a whiny-ass gay quisling conservative, who would like to chew on his blankie and whine about how much harder it is out there for a conservative than it is for a gay person. This is a subject we happen to have some knowledge about, because we are super gay! And we know a lot about conservatives, both firsthand -- being subjected to them every single one of our almost four decades of life -- and also from covering extremist right-wing Christians for a very long time. Particularly the kind that tell young, impressionable, vulnerable gay kids that they need to pray away the gay if they want Jesus to exercise some self control and refrain from sending them to a fiery hell for all eternity.

We clicked on the article with high hopes. See if you can spot why:


"OMG LOL," we said to ourselves. "Ben Shapiro has written an article about how he is far more persecuted for being an obnoxious shit-ass (allegedly!) never-nude forever-virgin than gay people are! This is going to be GREAT." For a brief moment we were horrified to think maybe Ben Shapiro was coming out of the closet, because GO 'WAY, WE DO NOT WANT HIM.

But it was not a Ben Shapiro article.

Instead we just got some snowflake crap from some queen we've never heard of, Chad Felix Greene. (You know he's gay because of the double first name and the "Chad.") Chad Felix has written such Federalist #HotTakes as It's OK To Let Innocent Gay Kids Be Subjected To Fraudulent "Ex-Gay" Torture, Because Why Not and I Hate Gay Pride, And Also Myself and Honestly, Gay People Shouldn't Have Equal Wedding Cake Rights, and let's not forget Know Who Actually Hates Jews? Liberals. (No, that's a different Federalist #HotTake from the one Wonkette wrote about this morning, albeit on basically the same subject.)

And he wrote this one:

He should talk to his shithole president about that one, because his shithole president disagrees. Mike Pence's entire career also disagrees. But we guess Chad Felix ascribes to the common Stockholm Syndrome gay conservative notion that if they're not bashing you in the face right now, they cannot possibly be homophobic.

Clearly, Chad Felix is a real piece of shit. We can hardly wait for him to write a thing about how nobody will fuck him because all his buttplugs have Trump's face on them. Should be a good read!

Shall we look at his "It's harder to be Ben Shapiro than it is to be a self-hating homosexual like me" thing? Yeah fuck it, we guess. Should we mention at the outset that Chad Felix wouldn't even be able to compare his "persecution" as a conservative to the actual mistreatment of gay people if conservatives didn't have such a long track record of destroying gay people's lives? You bet!

Chad Felix begins with this quote: "Why would a person choose a life where they will be hated, judged, and rejected by society?" He says when he was a wee gay, he would ask unfriendly people that question, to explain that he did not choose his gayness. Now he says it helps him explain why he has chosen a life of reactionary dipshit snowflake conservatism -- because to be clear, unless Chad Felix is arguing he was born this stupid (a possibility we might grant), he chose this path.

Today I look out across the turbulent sea of political discourse and ask, "Why would anyone choose to be a conservative?" To be a conservative means to openly invite others' hatred into your life and to lose your humanity in the eyes of strangers who view you exclusively through stereotypes and prejudices.

Haha OK. Or maybe the majority of the country that isn't conservative looks at the decades of racist, LGBT-hating, woman-hating policies wingnuts have advanced, and judges them by the fruits of their rotten tree. Perhaps we look at Trump putting babies in baby jails and getting in bed with hostile foreign powers and think that's not, you know, American. Dunno!

Or maybe it is the thing Chad Felix is whining about, please let's give the talking stick back to Chad Felix, who is sharing right now:

To be a conservative means to be forced to choose when to speak and when to remain silent, since offending someone on the left, even mildly or by accident, is a social battle you may not be able to win. To be a conservative means carefully regulating your speech and constructing opinions in such a way as to avoid being banned from the public square.

So much bullshit, so few sentences. Chad Felix, you have the right to offend people, but you don't have the right to do so without pushback. No one is being banned from the "public square," but Nazis and racists and other manner of garden-variety conservatives are being de-platformed for spewing their white supremacist shit on Twitter and YouTube and Patreon and whatever else Milo has been banned from lately. That's not the "public square," though, that's the private free market.

To be a conservative means to be a marginalized voice, suppressed and dehumanized; bullied into hesitating to speak out.

AND YET WE CAN STILL HEAR CHAD FELIX TALKING.

Chad Felix says that, just like when he was (wrongly) told not to "flaunt" his sexuality in high school, he is now being told not to "flaunt" his conservatism. And we'd agree that writing gay-hating bullshit on The Federalist is pretty flaunt-y.

Even to bring up the subject is to invite taunting and disdain from the very people we attempt, in vain, to reach out to. While I always hoped that I could break through to a person who saw me as a sinner, I find today that it is impossible to even hold a conversation with someone who sees me as a bigot. Our concerns are mocked and our moments of frustration are viewed as weakness. We find no compassion from our adversaries. In fact, we see them champion silencing us permanently.

Oh wait, OUR BAD. We said above that we couldn't wait to read Chad Felix's "None of the boys will fuck me because I insist on screaming #MAGA when I'm cumming" article. We didn't realize we are reading it right now.

Chad Felix goes on to complain about how gay bigot Milo lost all his fame because the free market rudely took it away from him, and then complains some more that everybody thinks all conservatives are like Milo. Then he complains that the mean liberals are taking everything away from ALL the conservatives, both the Milo kind and the himself kind, not that they are the same. Hey Milo, hey Milo, HEY MILO!

If the left believes surrounding the homes of political figures and threatening their families is justified protest, what would happen to a person with far less of a powerful voice to fight back? Everything I was told to fear about being openly gay has become a reality in being openly conservative. The fear of being fired, harassed, called dehumanizing names, bullied, and denied access to public life (even violence) are all realities I face today as a conservative.

Oh my god, Chad Felix, stop letting Tucker Carlson (who brags about beating up gay guys in bathrooms) lie to you about what happened at his house that night. Every responsible figure on the left (including Wonkette!) condemns actual violence, while also acknowledging that actual violence usually doesn't come from our side. Look at the Charlottesville Nazis. Look at the rise in anti-LGBT hate crimes and racist hate crimes since Trump was elected. Look at the recent run of white supremacist, woman-hating mass shooters who have all found refuge in the deepest crevasses of the right wing internet.

And then bitch some more about Sarah Huckabee Sanders being denied her chicken dinner, because we all know that's what Chad Felix is talking about.

We said above that we were willing to entertain the argument that, just like Chad Felix didn't choose dick, he also didn't choose to be DUMB AS DICK, and he confirms it:

But just as I did not choose to be gay, I did not choose to be conservative.

Chad Felix spends a few more sentences explaining what happened to him that made him this way, but we don't care. His point is that no more will he be hiding his wingnut Federalist lamp under a bushel, he's going to carry it with PRIDE. Just not gay pride, because, again, he hates that.

Today I feel the same nervousness and obligation not to hide when I speak about gender or science to the left as I did deciding to go to the prom with a man.

Did we mention Chad Felix hates transgender people and parrots religious right fake science talking points about transgender people and that Chad Felix should go fuck himself? We should mention that. (And again, because he is a gay conservative, he would take issue with our saying he "hates" transgender people, likely citing the fact that he's not punching them right now.)

Anyway, Chad Felix's point is that Chad Felix is going to let his conservative freak flag fly, even on Twitter, where he might get banned for saying something "conservative" hate speech that goes against Twitter's guidelines, which Twitter is free to set as a company whose business model in fact has very little to do with Chad Felix's needs and desires. If Chad Felix doesn't like it, he can go hang out on Gab or incel message boards or whatever.

But listen, Chad Felix is not giving up hope that one day he and all the rest of the Deplorable Unfuckables might be free to be gigantic Nazi racist shitbags on the internet and nobody will hurt their feelings by criticizing them. Hell, he might break out into a drag anthem about fighting the power if he liked gay things. But he doesn't so fuck him:

Just as I dreamed as a teenager of a time when I could live freely as a gay person without fear or harassment, today I hope for a future where my voice and others like me can speak freely without fear of retribution or silencing. Until then, we must never give up, and we must keep fighting. They can't ban all of us.

Whatever, Mary.

All righty, gentle readers, it is time for your OPEN THREAD.

[The Federalist]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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