R. Kelly Has Been Assassinated By The Lying Devil

We, your wonderful saviors at Wonkette, have been cancelling R. Kelly for nearly a year now, as we have chronicled the trials and tribulations this "God-fearing" crooner has endured at the hands of Lucifer. Oh Satan, why hast thou forsaken thine own favored son? For some, the recent assassination of R. Kelly is a much needed change for our culture; for R. Kelly, it is all some amazingly indecipherable plot to steal his joy, set him up, and trick starry eyed young ingenues into believing that the lying Devil is in fact, R. Kelly himself. Will he ever receive justice? In order to restore the world to its proper order, R. Kelly took his crazy ass to sit for an interview with Gayle King (who is NOT Robin Roberts, okay Jesse Waters?) so he could defend himself. It was all supposed to clear his name, and prove to the all the haters and the lying vicious whooores that Daddy Kelly don't lock no girls up in closets and chains, and also, that the youngest of ladies love strange ass orgies with midlife-crisis-having misanthropes. Seems legit.

The full interview won't be out until Friday (my b-day, awesome gift, Jesus, you shouldn't have, really) but lucky for us, R. Kelly is so damn crazy, the few minutes of clips they have released so far gives us PLENTY of insight into this ... situation.

First an update from CBS:

R. Kelly broke his silence in an explosive interview about the sexual abuse charges that landed him in jail last month. The embattled R&B singer spoke with "CBS This Morning" co-host Gayle King for nearly 80 minutes Tuesday, saying all the women now accusing him of physical and sexual abuse are lying. Just 24 hours later, Kelly was back in custody, and authorities said Kelly will stay in jail until he comes up with more than $161,000 in unpaid child support.

Pay your goddamn child support you punk MF. Far be it from me to call a man names or judge him for owning a luxury pad in Trump Tower while owing that much money for the care and upkeep of his very own children while he is sleeping with young women who could BE his children, so I will call him a nasty fucking shady ass grimey low down shitty ass deadbeat dad. Sell yourself, ROBERT, if you don't have the funds. We don't care what happens to you, really.

Let's watch this crazy ass shit together and see why everyone is melting down over it.

R. Kelly was "unhinged" in interview with Gayle King, columnist saysyoutu.be

I rather enjoyed how he blamed social media for making it easy to "start rumors" about him even though these "rumors" have been around since Netscape was a big deal and we got AOL disks in the mail once a week. Also, I tend to remember not having a Facebook or Twitter account back in 2002 when the "Pee tape" came out or in 2008 when the Child Porn trial went down. Hmmm, jinkies!

"Have you ever had sex with anyone under the age of 17?" King asked.

"No. No," Kelly said.


"No!" Kelly responded.

"I have to tell you, it's so hard to believe that based on all that we've read, and what the women have said about you," King said.

"What women said about me. So nobody's allowed to be mad at me and be scorned and lie on me?" Kelly said.

"So they're lying on you? That's your explanation? They're lying on you?"

"Absolutely. Absolutely. Absolutely," Kelly said. "I have been assassinated. I have been buried alive. But I'm alive."

Da fuq? Who assassinated and buried R. Kelly alive? Why is he not dead? These are just two questions I have based on this ... whatever it is.

At this point I was feeling that maybe Kelly needed a nap because he was getting a little upset and you could see him winding up to give a performance on par with his "Trapped in a Closet" opera. So, of course, he kicked it up about 1,200 notches and started wilding the fuck out.

Look, I have to be straight up with you. This muthafucka is lying his ass off. I'm sorry. Dude MARRIED a teen idol; the one that I got all of my dance moves and hairstyling tips from, and she was 15 years old at the time. Lord knows I cried and cancelled his ass on the spot, so for him to deny it so strenuously makes me rather want to choke him. I won't. Because, lol, his ass is in jail, hahahaha!

"That's stupid, guys! Is this camera on me?" Kelly said.

"Yes, it's on," King said.

"That's stupid! Use your common sense. Forget the blogs, forget how you feel about me. Hate me if you want to, love me if you want. But just use your common sense. How stupid would it be for me, with my crazy past and what I've been through – oh right, now I just think I have to be monster, and hold girls against their will, chain them up in my basement, and don't let them eat, don't let them out, unless they need some shoes down the street from their uncle!"

Okay, he's right. I would never let my hostage out to get shoes from their uncle, I mean, what the hell would my hostage, Idris Elba, ever need those raggedy shoes for? I WOULD BUY HIM SOME BETTER SHOES. Yes, only the best for my beautiful hostage. R. Kelly is crazy, ya'll, it's infecting me just by watching.

Here is where the meltdown begins.

"Robert –"

"Stop it. You all quit playing! Quit playing! I didn't do this stuff! This is not me! I'm fighting for my f***ing life! Y'all killing me with this sh*t!" Kelly said, standing up. "I gave you 30 years of my f***ing career!"

"Robert –"

"Thirty years of my career! And y'all trying to kill me? You killing me, man! This is not about music! I'm trying to have a relationship with my kids! And I can't do it! Y'all just don't want to believe the truth! You don't want to believe it!" Kelly said.

"I hope this camera keep going –" Kelly said. "This is not true! That doesn't even make sense! Why would I hold all these women? Their fathers and mothers told me, we're going to destroy your career!"

His handlers ha to calm him the fuck down

At this point he's up out of his seat bordering on hysterical, sort of like Brett Kavanaugh would have done at the Senate hearing if Squi had brought those beers like he promised. It got so uncomfortable for everyone, except Gayle King who is as smooth as cool silk, that Kelly's handlers had to sponge him down (with make-up, lol) like a heavyweight boxer.

"I need help!"

"What kind of help do you need, Robert?"

"I need somebody to help me not have a big heart. Cause my heart is so big, people betray me, and i keep forgiving them."

"You sound like you're playing the victim here…"

Oh give me an eternal break, Robert. I just can't even deal with your shit anymore.


Case closed, R. Kelly innocent. MONEY PLEASE.

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Follow Wonderbitch aka Bravenak aka Bianca DeLaRosa, loves her jobs as Social Media Manager for Wonkette more than Sarah Huckabee Sanders loves lying to America. Bianca also moonlights as a Witch (THE BAD KIND!!) and is a Freelance Goddess of All Things Ever. Be very nice her because she likes to curse people, especially mean people. You can find Bianca on Twitter @Wonderbitch81, or email her at bianca@wonkette.com


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