RACHEL MADDOW NOT POISONED BY RUSSIA! (Not That We Were Worried About That Or Anything)
ALL FIRED UP AND READY TO GO
For real, we were not actually worried that Rachel Maddow had been poisoned by the Russians in retaliation for her constant, night-after-night, backbreaking work of reporting on the very weird and byzantine story of Russia's hacking of the 2016 election and Team Trump's possible collusion with those fuckers. Of course, she also finds time to report on ALL THE OTHER SHIT Trump does, while making sure to start every show with a 74-minute lecture on something we didn't know about before, like the history of Raven-Symoné fans in China, and how that connects to one time Paul Manafort washed his grundle on a Tuesday, which connects to how this one Russian oligarch's last name LITERALLY TRANSLATES to "Paul's Grundle Washer," and OMG WE DUNNO.
Anyway, we figured she caught a really bad pneumonia flu sniffle, possibly made worse by exhaustion, and possibly also made worse by how TWO FRIDAYS AGO, she was already sick, but came into work anyway, all hopped up on drugs, so she could report on Jared Kushner begging Russia for a secret Russian spy phone, so he could tell Russian spies his secrets. "GO TO BED, RACHEL," we thought. "Jared will still be a crime-y douche tomorrow."
But when Rachel STILL wasn't back last night (Monday), we were a li'l bit concerned! The fleeting thought entered our brain that we sure hope Trump's Russian pals didn't try any funny business on her, but then we said to ourselves, "pffffft, that is crazy." But then we got on FaceSpace and TweetChat and it turned out a lot of other people were like, "AHEM WHERE IS SHE? WE ARE WORRIED."
It was doubly worrying, especially since right now, MSNBC is #1 in the ratings among the most important demographics, which is in large part Rachel's doing, a fact that has got to be driving NBC News president Andy Lack crazy, as it means his dream of replacing all the night-time liberal content with three straight hours of Greta Van Susteren incessantly asking "Hey know what I think?" is drifting further and further away into the darkness of unreachable goals. If she was taking that much time off, she must be sick.
Anyway point is Rachel is feeling better and she will be back tonight:
YAY! We will for sure use our clicker tonight to tune in to MSNBC to see whatever shenanigans she has in store for us, and Wonkette would also like to ORDER Rachel that if she gets sick again, please go the fuck home and get better, because WE NEEDS OUR RACHEL IN FIGHTIN' SHAPE.
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