BREAKING NEWS! The Senate Judiciary Committee will not be prosecuting Brett Kavanaugh for attempted rape! Rachel Mitchell, the Aunt Lydia dispatched to discredit Dr. Christine Blasey Ford, has looked at the limited pile of uninvestigated evidence against Kavanaugh and given him a clean bill of health. HE CAN HAZ SCOTUS NOW?

A "he said, she said" case is incredibly difficult to prove. But this case is even weaker than that. Dr. Ford identified other witnesses to the event, and those witnesses either refuted her allegations or failed to corroborate them. For the reasons discussed below, I do not think that a reasonable prosecutor would bring this case based on the evidence before the Committee.

You hear that, Chuck Grassley? Your "female assistant" who was hired specifically to poke holes in Blasey's story, whom you didn't allow to interview any corroborating witnesses, whom you kicked to the curb as soon as she started asking your nominee real questions, is not ready to slap the cuffs on Judge McRapeface. Guess we can all go home now, right?

Astute observers will note that this hearing was not about whether to indict Brett Kavanaugh for attempted rape, and was in fact about his fitness to serve as a judge on the highest court in the land. But when you're flogging the party line about poor Brett Kavanaugh being sacrificed like Jesus on the cross to a pack of Democratic Pharisees, sometimes you gotta frame the narrative a little. Although, we guess for a privileged white guy born with every advantage in life, not getting that job you really, really wanted even after you cried and stomped your feet and called everyone names must feel like being executed for a crime you didn't commit.

Here, let's go to Mitchell's boss in the Maricopa County Attorney's Office for an objective, lawyerly evaluation.

Right. Because Maricopa County is known far and wide for its impartial, unbiased application of justice. That's why Republicans, hellbent on ramming Kavanaugh through, knew that Rachel Mitchell was the right woman to act as Kavanaugh's attorney, nitpicking every detail of Blasey's conduct and testimony to magnify any minor inconsistencies and ignore corroboration. Which is why she harped on the fact that Blasey's friend Leland Keyser doesn't remember the party in question, but forgets to mention that Keyser has said she believes Blasey. It's why she plays up the omission of Kavanaugh's name in Blasey's therapist's notes, as if that omission is somehow out of the ordinary. And its why she's spewing this bullshit about Blasey being confused as to when the assault happened, while leaving out her testimony that it was the summer when Mark Judge worked at the Potomac Village Safeway.

Of course, the FBI has reportedly been barred from asking the Safeway for employee records that might confirm Blasey's timeline, leaving Mitchell free to speculate that BITCHES BE LYIN' OR MAYBE JUST CONFUSED. Maybe the real assailant is a rainbow suspender-clad alien from Planet Ork who landed here in 1991. Rachel Mitchell doesn't know, she's just asking questions! Because how can you trust a woman who didn't even fail out of high school the year after she was sexually assaulted?

She alleges that she struggled academically in college, but she has never made any similar claim about her last two years of high school.

Also, too, Rachel Mitchell knows that the real assailant is Dianne Feinstein. Because, ummmm, well look at this timeline and draw your own conclusions, 'kay?

Here, have a Scribd of this pathetic, political hitjob masquerading as a non-partisan investigative document. Read it and then vote your ass off this fall.

Mitchell Memo by on Scribd


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Liz Dye

Liz Dye lives in Baltimore with her wonderful husband and a houseful of teenagers. When she isn't being mad about a thing on the internet, she's hiding in plain sight in the carpool line. She's the one wearing yoga pants glaring at her phone.


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