Ramblin’ Man Bradlee Dean Chased Out Of Schools, Town, For Being The Worst
“The reports that you are getting about the beliefs of students in public schools is not coming from the students, but rather the sick media spin-doctors and their disinformation.”
– Bradlee Dean
-- Bradlee Dean, quoting Bradlee Dean
Like so many failed heavy metal musicians from the 1980s, Bradlee Dean has been reduced to wandering Real America in the hopes that talking to our nation’s youths will allow him to retire before his chins start dragging on the ground in front of him. And while Dean certainly can bring a whole heaping pile of crazy that could briefly distract his high school audience from shoving vodka soaked tampons in their ass out of boredom, it seems that SOME PEOPLE don’t take kindly to the Bradlee carnie act (NOT US BRADLEE KEEP ‘EM COMING SLUGGER). Mr. Comandant Dean has not only been chased out of moar (public) schools in the middle of his Bible Studies for Sluts and Wantons, but he has even been escorted by police to the town lines! So saith Bradlee Dean, anyway. Let us read of his trials and tribulations and Moseslike wanderings through the desert that is Godless Amercia.
It seems that poor ol’ Bradlee’s plan to avoid being served with a summons to pay Rachel Maddow the attorneys fees he owes her by traveling around the country as an itinerant preacher/school-to-school DVD salesman has hit a few bumps along the road. Apparently none of the schools that hired Dean to come into their school felt it necessary to check the content of his presentation (or google him) before giving him free access to word vomit all over their students. Now some of those schools, which didn't realize “ex-heavy mental motivational speaker” just automatically meant a fat guy with long hair rambling about his past crystal meth addiction, have found themselves hosting America’s foremost proponent of pogroms against gay people.
Dean is now beyond pissed as his hard-hitting Christian Truth Powerpoint was cut short in mid-rant by a couple of school principals in Missouri (!) and Arkansas (!!). It apparently dawned on them that Dean was actually managing to make public education in those states in danger of surpassing Mississippi.
Upon closer examination of the incidents, it kind of seems that the old grifter was simply out matched in the flim-flam game by the local yokels. The guy in Missouri manages to not just kick Bradlee Dean out of the school (Dean’s speech about magical thumb-wrestling fetuses was just too much derp even for rural Missouri), but he also jiu-jitsued Bradlee’s self-righteous flagellating ass into signing away his right to sue for damages related to breaking their contract. Nice lawyering hoss!
Dean's decision to prolong this taped humiliation continued to Arkansas, where Bradlee accomplished a feat of sadness that even the writers of Spinal Tap couldn’t have imagined, as he was quite literally chased out of town by THE LAW. In just two years Dean has gone from giving the opening prayer at the Minnesota House to being run out of small town Arkansas like a some sort of Wiccan lesbian abortionist. It’s a “Behind the Music” worthy downfall (just substitute the usual stories of anally ingesting heroin with tales of lonely trips hawking Christian themed DVD’s to bored trailer park denizens).
It goes without saying that the real victim in this sad turn of events (besides the kids, who at least got to experience the fun of missing class to see Dean while they were presumably high as hell), is Dean himself. While Dean is out scrounging for pocket change from the few school districts that have money for a speaker AND that haven’t figured out that he is a legit lunatic, his lawyer Patrick T. Tierney is sitting on his ass and threatening worthless defamation lawsuits instead of demanding that these schools actually pay his client. What is happening to this country when a bible-banging huckster can’t swindle from the public in peace and you can’t trust lawyers to act ethically? If only there was some sort of belligerent asshole out there with a self-aggrandizing polemic on a powerpoint to show us the path towards righteousness. Oh well.