Rand Paul: Let’s All Celebrate Good Times With COVID-19!

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Rand Paul, Kentucky's second-worst senator, thinks we're being too mopey about the coronavirus that is raging out of control. Yes, new cases are surging but what about all the people who've had the virus, like Paul and almost everyone in the White House? We should think about the survivors and their needs for chicken wings at happy hour.

Paul, who is not a real doctor, told Fox News that Dr. Anthony Fauci wasn't the boss of America.

PAUL: We have 11 million people in our country who have already had COVID. We should tell them to celebrate.

So far, 242,860 people out of that 11 million have died, and the dead are a drag at parties. Many others are COVID-19 “long haulers" and are still suffering debilitating effects from the disease. And even more are stuck with massive hospital bills because they don't have the sweet government-funded health care Paul considers tyranny for the common folk. Let's temper the celebrations for a while.


PAUL: We should tell them to throw away their masks, go to restaurants, and live again because these people are now immune.

They are not “immune." The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention warns that reinfections are possible and states directly that “whether you have had COVID-19" or not, you should wear a mask in public places and social distance. This is also for the protection of people serving you in restaurants, which you really shouldn't be going to anyway.

PAUL: But Dr. Fauci doesn't want to admit to any of that.

That's for good reason. Everything Paul said was bullshit.

PAUL: Dr. Fauci is like, "Oh, woe is me" until the election occurs and now maybe he will be changing his attitude.

This is just gross. Dr. Fauci is cautiously optimistic about a vaccine once it was announced, but he wasn't previously “doom and gloom" prognosticating as part of some effort to throw the election to Joe Biden.

Paul claimed that he thinks Dr. Fauci is “well-intentioned" but believes in "government solutions" like some common hippie. Dr. Fauci actually believes that Americans might care enough about each other to temporarily sacrifice certain freedoms to save lives. That does seem naive when you say it out loud, but Dr. Fauci has consistently stated that he's not an elected official. He's a scientist who offers medical advice regarding the best methods of suppressing the virus.

PAUL: He believes that submission and lockdowns are fine. He's not too worried about individual liberties, but he also tends to gloss over the science, because we've had this debate back and forth about immunity.

First place, Rand Paul is not qualified to “debate" Dr. Fauci about COVID-19. Paul is a non-board-certified eye doctor. Dr. Fauci is an infectious disease expert who helped kick AIDS in the ass.

PAUL: I've been saying all along that I think the children have some sort of pre-existing immunity. The tests are now backing me up on this.

That's a goddamn lie. Children have died from COVID-19. You don't need a medical license to Google.

Just last week, a 5-year-old Texas kindergartner died from the coronavirus.

[Tagan White] did not have common symptoms, such as a fever, cough, or sore throat. However, that Thursday she tested positive for COVID-19.

White explained, "And (the doctor) came in, they discharged us and just told me that she would be fine. It doesn't affect kids, (and advised) not to have her around anybody older."

Throughout the evening, she grew weaker.

Tagan, 5, liked reading and spelling. Rand Paul likes being a monster in human form.

Paul kept insisting that kids were magically immune to COVID-19 and that they shouldn't even be first in line for the vaccine.

PAUL: The death rates for kids is less than the seasonal flu for this.

Fuck off, Senator.

Paul has tweeted that "[Joe Biden] wants to lock us down and force everyone to mask up. Doesn't anyone care to know if mask mandates help? The data on mask mandates actually shows an INCREASED RATE of Covid cases after the mandates." That's really bad science. The virus had reached community spread by the time mask mandates — such as they were — were implemented, and also the president's followers refused to actually abide by them. This doesn't mean that masks gave people coronavirus. It does mean Paul is a shoddy liar, though.

If you care about your health and the health of others, don't believe a word that comes out of Rand Paul's stupid lying mouth.

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Stephen Robinson

Stephen Robinson is a writer and social kibbitzer based in Portland, Oregon. He's on the board of the Portland Playhouse theater and writes for the immersive theater Cafe Nordo in Seattle. Tickets are on sale now for his latest Nordo collaboration, "Curiouser and Curiouser," an adaptation of "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" and "Through the Looking Glass." It promises to feel like an actual evening with SER (for good or for ill).

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